Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus
Bagaimana kabar teman-teman?
Aku berharap teman-teman sedang merasa sukacita.
Atau adakah yang sedang merasa pahit hidupnya?
Jika teman-teman ada yang merasa pahit hidupnya, maka tulisan ini cocok untuk teman-teman.
Aku juga pernah merasa pahit hidupnya.
Sejak kecil, aku sering melihat ayah dan ibuku bertengkar hingga KDRT. Aku dibully banci kaleng dan bencong oleh teman-temanku. Padahal, aku perempuan tulen. Aku tidak mengerti alasannya. Aku tumbuh dengan perasaan iri hati melihat adikku lebih disayang oleh ayahku. Selain itu, aku tumbuh dengan luka pelecehan seksual. Saat dewasa, aku haus akan penerimaan dan kasih sayang.
Semua pengalaman itu menjadikanku seorang perempuan yang penakut. Selain itu, aku menjadi perempuan yang mudah marah-marah. Aku merasa disepelekan. Aku merasa menyendiri. Aku merasa geram. Aku merasa memberontak. Aku merasa kecewa. Aku merasa malu, sangat malu. Aku merasa penuh penyesalan. Aku menjadi perempuan yang mudah menghakimi dan memandang rendah sekitarku. Aku sangat beracun.
Suatu ketika, aku membaca ayat ini:
Ibrani 12:15
"Jagalah supaya jangan ada seorang pun menjauhkan diri dari kasih karunia Allah, agar jangan tumbuh akar yang pahit yang menimbulkan kerusuhan dan yang mencemarkan banyak orang."
Lalu, aku membaca penjelasan dalam A Catholic Commentary on Holy Scripture – Hebrews 12:14–24:
15. Charity has an ‘episcopal’ eye; its overseership must ensure that no one defaults from the grace of God, and that no bitter root of poisonous influence causes disturbance resulting in the defilement of the many.
Dari ayat ini aku menyadari alasan diriku menjadi sangat racun, yaitu:
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Aku gagal menerima atau mencapai kasih karunia Allah itu sendiri.
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Tidak ada yang benar-benar mengawasi kehidupanku.
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Tidak ada yang mendampingiku untuk meregulasi emosiku, termasuk aku sendiri yang tidak mengawasi diriku sendiri.
Apa itu kasih karunia?
Dalam Katekismus Gereja Katolik (KGK) dijelaskan sebagai berikut:
KGK 1996
"Our justification comes from the grace of God. Grace is favor, the free and undeserved help that God gives us to respond to his call to become children of God, adoptive sons, partakers of the divine nature and of eternal life."
KGK 1997
"Grace is a participation in the life of God. It introduces us into the intimacy of Trinitarian life: by Baptism the Christian participates in the grace of Christ, the Head of his Body. As an 'adopted son' he can henceforth call God 'Father,' in union with the only Son. He receives the life of the Spirit who breathes charity into him and who forms the Church."
Intinya, kita mendapat pertolongan yang tidak layak kita terima untuk menjadi anak-Nya melalui Kristus sejak baptisan.
Apa korelasinya antara luka batinku dengan panggilan sebagai anak Allah?
Ada korelasinya.
Kalau seseorang sadar bahwa ia dalam Kristus sudah dipanggil sebagai anak Allah, ia akan dengan bebas datang kepada Bapa membawa seluruh luka batinnya untuk dipulihkan. Ia tidak harus bergumul sendirian dan bingung cara meregulasi emosi yang besar itu.
Apakah benar kita bergumul sendirian?
Benarkah Bapa tidak hadir di sana meski kita belum mengenal hal yang sudah menjadi rahmat atau kasih karunia kita?
Saya yakin Bapa ada di sana.
Yesaya 43:2
"Apabila engkau menyeberang melalui air, Aku akan menyertai engkau, atau melalui sungai-sungai, engkau tidak akan dihanyutkan; apabila engkau berjalan melalui api, engkau tidak akan dihanguskan, dan nyala api tidak akan membakar engkau."
Tuhan tidak pernah jauh, bahkan ketika kita merasa ditinggalkan.
Mungkin kita sedang belajar bahwa dalam luka terdalam, justru di situlah kasih karunia-Nya ingin menjemput kita pulang.
Damai Kristus menyertai.
Amin.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
How are you, friends?
I hope you are feeling joyful.
But is there anyone who feels that life has been bitter?
If you are someone who feels the bitterness of life, then this writing is for you.
I, too, have experienced the bitterness of life.
Since childhood, I often saw my father and mother fight, even to the point of domestic violence. I was bullied—called names like “tin can sissy” and “tranny” by my friends. And yet, I am fully a woman. I never understood why. I grew up with jealousy toward my younger sibling, who was more loved by my father. I also carried wounds of sexual abuse. As I grew older, I became desperate for acceptance and love.
All of these experiences turned me into a fearful woman. I also became someone who often lashed out in anger. I felt belittled. I felt alone. I felt furious. I felt rebellious. I felt disappointed. I felt ashamed—deeply ashamed. I was full of regret. I became someone who easily judged and looked down on others. I became deeply toxic.
Then one day, I read this verse:
Hebrews 12:15
"See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."
Then I came across this explanation in A Catholic Commentary on Holy Scripture – Hebrews 12:14–24:
15. Charity has an ‘episcopal’ eye; its overseership must ensure that no one defaults from the grace of God, and that no bitter root of poisonous influence causes disturbance resulting in the defilement of the many.
From this verse, I realized the reason I had become so toxic:
I had failed to receive or reach the grace of God.
There was no one truly watching over my life.
No one accompanied me in regulating my emotions—including myself. I did not watch over my own soul.
What is grace?
The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) explains it as follows:
CCC 1996
"Our justification comes from the grace of God. Grace is favor, the free and undeserved help that God gives us to respond to his call to become children of God, adoptive sons, partakers of the divine nature and of eternal life."
CCC 1997
"Grace is a participation in the life of God. It introduces us into the intimacy of Trinitarian life: by Baptism the Christian participates in the grace of Christ, the Head of his Body. As an 'adopted son' he can henceforth call God 'Father,' in union with the only Son. He receives the life of the Spirit who breathes charity into him and who forms the Church."
In essence, grace is the undeserved help we receive to become His children through Christ, beginning from our baptism.
What is the correlation between my inner wounds and my calling as a child of God?
There is a strong correlation.
When someone becomes aware that in Christ they have been called to be a child of God, they will freely come to the Father, bringing all their inner wounds to be healed. They don’t have to struggle alone or be confused about how to regulate those overwhelming emotions.
Are we truly struggling alone?
Is it true that the Father is absent—even if we haven’t yet recognized the grace that has already been given to us?
I believe the Father is there.
Isaiah 43:2
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you."
God is never far, even when we feel abandoned.
Perhaps we are learning that in our deepest wounds, it is precisely there that His grace longs to come and find us.
Peace of Christ be with you.
Amen.
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