Belajar Setia di Tengah Takut (Learning to Stay Faithful in the Midst of Fear)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, Putra, dan Roh Kudus.

Setelah kupikirkan dan kurenungkan dengan sungguh-sungguh, aku akhirnya menyadari bahwa aku tidak bisa bersama Orang Baru. Ada ketidaknyamanan yang halus tetapi terus-menerus mengetuk hatiku. Tidak ada damai di dalamnya, dan aku merasa bersalah terhadap Abang Sayang. Karena itu, aku memilih untuk tetap setia.

Namun, setelah memilih jalan ini, rasa khawatirku justru semakin terasa. Sampai hari ini aku masih bergumul dengan ketakutan tentang kecukupan finansial. Aku hidup dalam bayang-bayang kekhawatiran: takut tidak cukup, takut kehilangan, bahkan takut Abang pergi terlebih dahulu mengingat perbedaan usia kami yang cukup jauh.

Dalam pergumulan itu, ayat dari 1 Yohanes 4:18 kembali terngiang:
“Di dalam kasih tidak ada ketakutan: kasih yang sempurna melenyapkan ketakutan; sebab ketakutan mengandung hukuman dan barangsiapa takut, ia tidak sempurna di dalam kasih.”

Aku merenungkan kembali apa itu kasih yang sempurna. Dalam doaku, aku teringat bahwa kasih yang sempurna itu bukan berasal dari diriku—melainkan dari Allah sendiri. Kasih yang sempurna adalah kasih yang memperkenankan kita menyapa Dia sebagai Bapa. Kasih yang sempurna adalah ketika Kristus mati untuk menebus dosa manusia. Perenungan ini datang saat aku mendengarkan lagu Bapa Yang Kekal, yang mengingatkanku bahwa kasih-Nya tidak berubah sekalipun hatiku goyah.

Lalu aku bertanya pada diriku sendiri:
“Apakah aku sudah menerima kasih yang sempurna itu?”

Aku percaya, ketika aku berani berseru memanggil Allah sebagai Bapa, di situlah kasih-Nya sudah lebih dulu bekerja. Penebusan itu nyata. Penerimaan itu penuh. Namun, jujur kuakui: saat ini aku seperti mati rasa. Aku tahu kebenarannya, tetapi jiwaku masih berjuang mengecapnya.

Meski begitu, aku percaya kasih Tuhan tidak pernah ditentukan oleh apa yang kurasakan hari ini. Ia tetap bekerja dalam diam. Dan mungkin, justru dalam masa mati rasa inilah, Tuhan sedang membentukku—perlahan, lembut, dan pasti.

Pada akhirnya, aku ingin belajar berjalan perlahan bersama Tuhan. Menerima rasa takutku apa adanya, sambil percaya bahwa kasih-Nya jauh lebih besar daripada seluruh ketidakpastianku. Aku tidak tahu masa depan, tetapi aku tahu siapa yang menggandengku di dalamnya. Dan untuk hari ini, itu sudah cukup.

Amin.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

After much thought and sincere reflection, I finally realized that I could not be with the New Person. There was a subtle, persistent uneasiness in my heart. There was no peace in it, and I felt guilty toward Abang Sayang. Because of that, I chose to remain faithful.

However, after making that decision, my worries only grew stronger. Until today, I am still struggling with fears about financial security. I live in the shadow of anxiety: afraid of not having enough, afraid of losing him, even afraid that Abang might leave this world before me because of our 14-year age difference.

In the midst of these struggles, the verse from 1 John 4:18 echoes in my mind:
“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”

I began to reflect again on what perfect love truly is. In my prayers, I remembered that perfect love does not come from within me—it comes from God Himself. Perfect love is what allows us to call Him Father. Perfect love is Christ who died to redeem the sins of humanity. This reflection came while I was listening to the song Bapa Yang Kekal, which reminded me that His love does not change, even when my heart wavers.

Then I asked myself:
“Have I truly received that perfect love?”

I believe that when I dare to cry out and call God “Father,” His love is already at work within me. Redemption is real. His acceptance is full. Yet I must honestly admit: right now, I feel numb. I know the truth, but my soul is still struggling to feel it.

Even so, I trust that God’s love is never determined by what I feel today. His love continues to work in the quiet. And perhaps, in this season of numbness, God is shaping me—slowly, gently, and surely.

In the end, I want to learn to walk slowly with God. To accept my fears as they are, while trusting that His love is far greater than all my uncertainties. I do not know what the future holds, but I know who is holding my hand in it. And for today, that is enough.

Amen.

Dilema Antara Cinta dan Masa Depan (Dilemma Between Love and the Future)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, Putra, dan Roh Kudus.

Apakah teman-teman pernah merasa dilema?
Bukan karena tidak tahu mana yang baik, tapi karena dua-duanya terasa benar — hanya saja, dalam arah yang berbeda.

Saat ini, aku sedang berada di persimpangan seperti itu.
Aku punya pacar — sebut saja namanya Abang Sayang.
Ia bertanggung jawab, pekerja keras, baik, dan selalu berusaha melindungi keluarganya. Ia bekerja di distributor obat. Kedua orangtuanya sudah tiada. Beberapa hari lalu, ia bercerita: ada apotek yang order melalui dia senilai 24 juta, tapi ternyata gagal bayar. Akibatnya, gajinya dipotong untuk menanggung kerugian perusahaan.
Motornya terpaksa digadaikan 3 juta demi kebutuhan sehari-hari.
Ia tidak punya tabungan, dan baru bisa menabung awal tahun depan.

Lalu, di sisi lain, datang seseorang yang baru.
Sebut saja dia Orang Baru — lulusan Manajemen Logistik Trisakti, bekerja sebagai admin, tinggal dengan orangtua, dan sudah memiliki tabungan. Hidupnya stabil, tenang, dan masa depannya tampak lebih pasti.

Secara logika, tentu pilihan itu mudah. Tapi hati manusia tidak sesederhana hitungan tabungan atau slip gaji. Aku menyayangi Abang Sayang. Aku tidak ingin meninggalkannya saat dia sedang jatuh. Namun, aku juga takut bila aku bertahan hanya karena kasihan, bukan cinta.

Kini, aku bergulat dengan dua pertanyaan:

1. Jika Abang Sayang bangkit secara finansial, apakah aku masih ingin bersamanya karena pribadinya, bukan karena rasa kasihan?

2. Jika aku bersama Orang Baru yang lebih stabil, apakah hatiku akan benar-benar damai, atau justru masih menoleh ke masa lalu dengan rasa bersalah?

Kadang aku merasa, dilema seperti ini bukan sekadar soal cinta, tapi juga tentang siapa diriku dan apa yang sebenarnya aku cari dalam hidup ini — keamanan, cinta, atau keduanya?

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✨ Refleksi untukmu yang membaca ini:
Pernahkah kamu berada di titik di mana cinta dan logika saling tarik menarik?
Apakah kamu lebih memilih hati yang tenang, atau masa depan yang pasti?
Bagikan ceritamu atau refleksimu di kolom komentar — mungkin kita bisa saling menguatkan di tengah dilema yang tak selalu punya jawaban mudah.

In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Have you ever felt torn in a dilemma?
Not because you don’t know which one is right, but because both choices feel right — just in different directions.

Right now, I’m standing at such a crossroads.
I have a boyfriend — let’s call him My Dear One.
He’s responsible, hardworking, kind, and always tries to protect his family. He works at a pharmaceutical distributor. Both of his parents have passed away. A few days ago, he told me that one of the pharmacies ordered through him for 24 million rupiahs, but the payment fell through. As a result, his salary is being deducted to cover the company’s loss.
He had to pawn his motorcycle for 3 million just to meet daily needs.
He has no savings and can only start saving again early next year.

Then, on the other side, someone new appeared.
Let’s call him The New One — a graduate in Logistics Management from Trisakti University, working as an admin, living with his parents, and already having some savings. His life seems stable, calm, and his future looks more certain.

Logically, the choice should be easy. But the human heart isn’t as simple as numbers on a payslip or the amount in a savings account. I care about My Dear One. I don’t want to leave him when he’s down. Yet, I’m also afraid that I might be staying only out of pity, not love.

Now, I wrestle with two questions:

If My Dear One rises again financially, would I still want to be with him because of who he is, not because I feel sorry for him?

If I choose The New One who’s more stable, would my heart truly be at peace — or would I still glance back at the past with guilt?

Sometimes I feel that this dilemma isn’t just about love,
but also about who I am, and what I truly seek in life —
security, love, or both?

✨ A reflection for you who are reading this:
Have you ever stood at the point where love and logic pull you in opposite directions?
Would you rather choose a peaceful heart, or a certain future?
Share your story or reflection in the comments — perhaps we can strengthen one another amidst dilemmas that don’t always have easy answers.

Cukupkah Kasih Karunia-Nya di Tengah Depresi? (Is His Grace Enough in the Midst of Depression? ✨)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus.

Ada satu pertanyaan yang akhir-akhir ini sering muncul dalam hatiku: “Haruskah aku bermegah dalam kelemahanku? Haruskah aku bersaksi tentang kuasa Tuhan, bahkan di tengah depresiku?”

Sudah banyak malam pertobatan yang kulalui bersama Kristus. Aku sudah lepas dari rokok. Aku sudah lepas dari alkohol. Aku sudah lepas dari seks bebas. Aku sedang dalam proses pelepasan dari pornografi. Aku sedang dalam proses pelepasan dari masturbasi. Akhir-akhir ini, aku bersih dari dosa-dosa yang dulu begitu mengikatku.

Namun, kenyataan lain hadir: aku didiagnosa skizoafektif tipe depresi, atau depresi berat dengan ciri psikotik. Aku bergumul dengan kondisi ini sambil merenungkan perikop Paulus dalam 2 Korintus 12:1–10, tentang penglihatan dan duri dalam daging.

Aku pun bertanya dalam doa: “Apakah jangan-jangan aku diizinkan mengalami depresi agar tidak meninggikan diri atas perjalanan pertobatan ini? Bagaimana jika Tuhan berkata: ‘Cukuplah kasih karunia-Ku bagimu, sebab justru dalam kelemahanlah kuasa-Ku menjadi sempurna?’”

Apa yang aku pelajari dari pergumulan ini

1. Depresi menjadi ruang pengingat.
   Lewat depresi, aku belajar untuk tidak mengandalkan diriku sendiri. Hanya kasih karunia-Nya yang mampu menopangku.

2. Aku bisa berani jujur.
   Aku tidak perlu menutupi depresiku. Justru, di tengah kerentanan ini, aku bisa tetap bersaksi bahwa kasih setia Tuhan nyata menopangku.

3. Kesetiaan kecil adalah saksi besar.
   Kuasa Tuhan mungkin tidak selalu hadir lewat mujizat instan. Ia hadir lewat kesetiaan untuk tetap berdoa meski hati hampa, lewat keberanian datang ke psikiater, dan lewat komitmen meninggalkan kebiasaan lama. Semua ini adalah bukti bahwa kasih karunia bekerja.

Jadi, bagaimana caranya bermegah di tengah depresi?

Bukan dengan menolak kenyataan. Bukan juga dengan memamerkan luka. Tapi dengan mengizinkan orang lain melihat bagaimana kasih karunia Kristus menolongku bertahan dan tetap berjalan, meski langkah terasa berat.

“Sebab ketika aku lemah, maka aku kuat.” (2 Korintus 12:10)

Jujur, aku berharap bisa sembuh. Karena, aku mau menikah. Aku mau punya anak yang bersih dari penyakit jiwa.  

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✨ Refleksi untukmu yang membaca:
Pernahkah engkau merasa rapuh, tapi justru di sanalah engkau melihat tangan Tuhan menopangmu? Bagaimana kalau hari ini kita belajar bermegah bukan karena kita kuat, tetapi karena kasih karunia Kristus cukup?

Kalau kamu sedang bergumul juga, aku ingin mengajakmu untuk berani jujur pada Tuhan—dan mungkin juga pada orang terdekat—tentang kelemahanmu. Percayalah, kuasa-Nya nyata dalam kerentananmu.

In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

There’s a question that has been echoing in my heart lately: “Should I boast in my weakness? Should I testify to God’s power, even in the midst of my depression?”

I have walked through many nights of repentance with Christ. I have been freed from cigarettes. I have been freed from alcohol. I have been freed from promiscuity. I am in the process of being freed from pornography. I am in the process of being freed from masturbation. Recently, I have been living clean from the sins that once tightly bound me.

Yet another reality remains: I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, depressive type—or major depressive disorder with psychotic features. I wrestle with this condition while reflecting on Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 12:1–10, about visions and the thorn in the flesh.

I ask in prayer: “Could it be that I was allowed to experience depression so that I would not exalt myself because of this journey of repentance? What if God is saying to me: ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness’?”

What I have learned from this struggle

Depression is a space of reminder.
Through depression, I learn not to rely on myself. Only His grace sustains me.

I can dare to be honest.
I don’t have to hide my depression. Instead, in this vulnerability, I can testify that God’s faithful love truly sustains me.

Small acts of faithfulness are a great witness.
God’s power does not always appear through instant miracles. It is present in the faithfulness to keep praying even when my heart feels empty, in the courage to see a psychiatrist, and in the commitment to leave behind old habits. All of these are proof that His grace is at work.

So, how do I boast in the midst of depression?

Not by denying reality. Not by showcasing my wounds. But by allowing others to see how the grace of Christ helps me endure and keep walking, even when the steps feel heavy.

“For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:10)

Honestly, I do hope to be healed. Because I want to get married. I want to have children who are free from mental illness.

✨ A reflection for you who are reading this:
Have you ever felt fragile, yet in that very place, you saw the hand of God upholding you? What if today we learn to boast—not because we are strong, but because Christ’s grace is enough?

If you are also struggling, I invite you to be honest with God—and perhaps with someone close to you—about your weakness. Believe that His power is revealed in your vulnerability.

Mengapa Yesus Memberitahukan Penderitaan-Nya? (Why Did Jesus Foretell His Suffering?)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus ✝️

Pernahkah kamu merenung, apa sebenarnya faedah Yesus memberitahukan penderitaan-Nya lebih dahulu kepada murid-murid-Nya?

Dalam pembelajaran kelas Matrikulasi atau Katekumen, hal ini dijelaskan sebagai bentuk persiapan: agar murid-murid tidak kaget ketika penderitaan itu benar-benar terjadi. Namun, semakin direnungkan, semakin terasa ada makna yang lebih dalam.

Yesus bukan sekadar memberi peringatan, melainkan juga memperlihatkan ke-Allahan-Nya. Sebab, tidak ada manusia yang bisa mengetahui dengan tepat apa yang akan dialaminya di masa depan—kecuali Allah sendiri yang mengetahui segala rancangan. Pemberitahuan penderitaan itu menjadi tanda bahwa Yesus benar-benar adalah Tuhan, yang tidak hanya berjalan menuju salib, tetapi juga sudah melihat keselamatan yang menanti di baliknya.

Maka, ketika kita membaca bagian Injil ini, kita diajak bukan hanya untuk memahami penderitaan Kristus, melainkan juga untuk menguatkan iman kita. Bahwa hidup kita pun ada di dalam tangan Allah yang tahu segala sesuatu—bahkan sebelum kita mengalaminya.

✨ Pertanyaannya sekarang: apakah kita berani berjalan dalam rancangan-Nya, meskipun jalannya tidak selalu nyaman, karena percaya bahwa Dia sudah melihat akhir yang baik?

🙏 Kalau kamu juga pernah merenungkan hal ini, atau mungkin sedang berjuang mempercayai rencana Tuhan di tengah situasi sulit, tuliskan refleksimu di kolom komentar. Mari kita saling menguatkan dalam iman.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit ✝️

Have you ever wondered, what is the real purpose of Jesus foretelling His suffering to His disciples?

In catechumen or matriculation classes, this is often explained as a form of preparation: so that the disciples would not be shocked when His suffering actually happened. Yet, the more I reflect on it, the more I see a deeper meaning.

Jesus was not merely giving a warning—He was revealing His divinity. No human being can predict with certainty what they will go through in the future, except God Himself who knows every plan. The foretelling of His suffering stands as a sign that Jesus truly is God, who not only walked toward the cross but had already seen the salvation waiting beyond it.

So when we read this passage of the Gospel, we are invited not only to understand Christ’s suffering but also to strengthen our faith. Our lives, too, are in the hands of God who knows everything—even before we experience it.

✨ The question is: are we willing to walk in His plan, even when the path is uncomfortable, trusting that He has already seen the good ending?

🙏 If you’ve also reflected on this, or if you’re struggling to trust God’s plan in the midst of challenges, share your thoughts in the comments below. Let’s strengthen one another in faith.

Keheningan Allah yang Menyelamatkan dan Depresi (God’s Redemptive Silence and the Dark Night of the Soul )

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus 

Saya baru menyadari bahwa penyakit depresi yang saya alami bukan hanya sekadar sakit jiwa biasa, tetapi merupakan respons atas keheningan Allah.

Henry Blackaby sebagaimana dikutip oleh Philip Yancey dalam buku berjudul Doa berbicara begini:

“Anda dapat merespons keheningan Allah dalam dua cara. Salah satu respons adalah Anda masuk ke dalam depresi, rasa bersalah, dan mengutuk diri sendiri. Respons lain adalah Anda memiliki harapan bahwa Allah akan membawa Anda ke pengetahuan yang lebih mendalam mengenai diri-Nya.”

Hal yang kurasakan saat menghadapi keheningan Allah adalah kecewa. Aku kecewa karena aku memiliki ekspektasi tertentu akan suatu keadaan. Atas ketidaktercapaian ekspektasi tersebut, aku menyalahkan diriku sendiri. Aku menganalisis dan mengintrospeksi diri untuk mencari letak kesalahanku. Atas kesalahanku, aku berasumsi bahwa aku tidak layak mendapatkan rahmat tersebut.

Aku memandang bahwa aku telah ditolak Allah. Sebab, aku tidak baik dalam menjaga dan merawat rahmat-Nya. Hal ini yang kurasakan saat retaknya hubunganku dengan Tuan. Aku baru belajar berharap pada umur 30 tahun, meskipun aku tidak percaya bahwa Tuhan akan mengabulkan harapanku.

Ini merupakan pengalaman kesekian kali aku berhadapan dengan diamnya Tuhan dalam permasalahan retaknya relasi dengan pasangan. Namun, saat dulu, aku selalu menghabiskan waktuku dengan mabuk dan merokok. Mungkin, saat ini merupakan masa pertobatanku untuk mengenal kasih Tuhan lebih dalam tanpa mabuk dan rokok pasca hilangnya orang yang kukasihi.

Sebagai seseorang yang mengidap depresi, tentu saja aku belajar mengenai “diamnya Tuhan karena meninggalkan kita” dengan “diamnya Tuhan karena sedang mengerjakan sesuatu.”

Pada masa aku berdosa dulu, aku merasa terkapar. Dadaku berat seperti membawa batu. Aku berteriak dan tantrum kepada Tuhan, tetapi aku tidak mendengar suara-Nya. Karena, aku tidak membiarkan Dia berbicara melalui firman-Nya. Aku hanya datang ke gereja sekali, sehabis itu aku kembali mabuk dan merokok serta mencari laki-laki padahal laki-laki tersebut tidak memberikan kasih sayang—justru memanfaatkanku. Tapi, entah mengapa aku melakukan itu. Aku merasa diamnya Tuhan karena meninggalkanku yang berdosa ini. 

Pada masa aku bertobat saat ini, aku tidak terkapar lagi. Aku berdoa kepada-Nya dan aku membiarkan diriku mendengar suara-Nya melalui pembacaan renungan, kadang-kadang misa harian, dan misa Minggu. Algoritma TikTok-ku juga kuatur agar selalu ada kesaksian dan ayat Alkitab berseliweran.

Kemudian, aku membaca kesaksian teman-temanku di Instagram. Aku mendapat kekuatan dari situ. Aku mencari suara-Nya dan Dia kutemukan. Dia kutemukan dalam firman-Nya. Aku selalu menemukan kalimat,

“Berdoalah, sampai engkau melihat yang kau doakan.”

Maka, aku selalu berdoa agar dikuduskan hati, pikiran, dan mataku. Aku selalu berdoa agar dikuduskan dengan Tuanku itu.

Aku juga seringkali membaca ayat ini:

Yesaya 41:10 (TB)
“Jangan takut, sebab Aku menyertai engkau,
jangan bimbang, sebab Aku ini Allahmu;
Aku akan meneguhkan, bahkan akan menolong engkau;
Aku akan memegang engkau dengan tangan kanan-Ku yang membawa kemenangan.”

Entah kenapa saya percaya diam-Nya karena sedang mengerjakan sesuatu. Meskipun, saya tidak melihat sesuatu apa pun.

Aku tidak tahu bagaimana pengharapanku pada Allah selain daripada mendoakan hubungan ini terus menerus—meskipun kadang bosan mendoakannya. Namun, aku banyak mengikuti kegiatan bermanfaat sambil menunggu. Aku mengikuti kursus menyanyi. Aku mengikuti kursus Kitab Suci. Aku bergabung dengan Legio Maria dan pelayanan paduan suara.

Teman-teman, kita harus belajar positif terhadap Allah. Kita perlu belajar berpandangan bahwa keheningan Allah adalah menyelamatkan kita dari keputusan yang salah.

Saat ini, saya rindu akan perkawinan. Tetapi saya ini rupanya masih membawa luka masa lalu yang sangat dalam. Oleh sebab itu, rusaknya relasi persahabatan masih lebih baik daripada rusaknya relasi dalam rumah tangga—apalagi kekristenan melarang perceraian.

Aku masih percaya bahwa Allah itu baik dan setia. Aku masih percaya bahwa rancangan-Nya membawa keselamatan bagiku. Namun, aku sedang merenungkan: masihkah Tuan ada dalam rancangan agung-Nya Allah atau tidak?

Aku bersedia berjalan dalam iman yang kecil ini, meski aku tidak bisa melihat apa-apa di depan sana. Karena aku percaya bahwa Allah hadir dalam kehidupanku.

Kurasa momen keheningan Allah juga merupakan ujian bagi imanku untuk menumbuhkan kesetiaan, kelemahlembutan, dan penguasaan diri. Agar aku semakin kudus di hadapan Allah.

 Damai Kristus menyertaimu. 

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

I have recently realized that the depression I suffer is not merely a mental illness, but a response to the silence of God.

Henry Blackaby, as quoted by Philip Yancey in his book Doa, once said:

"You can respond to God's silence in two ways. One response is to fall into depression, guilt, and self-condemnation. The other is to hope that God will lead you to a deeper knowledge of Himself."

What I felt in the face of God's silence was disappointment. I was disappointed because I had certain expectations about a situation. When those expectations were not met, I blamed myself. I analyzed and introspected, looking for the fault within me. Because of my faults, I assumed I was unworthy of that grace.

I saw myself as someone rejected by God—because I had not cared for or stewarded His grace well. That’s how I felt when my relationship with Tuan fell apart. I only learned to hope at the age of 30, even though I still did not believe that God would grant me what I hoped for.

This is not the first time I’ve encountered God’s silence in the matter of a broken relationship. In the past, I drowned myself in alcohol and cigarettes. Perhaps now is my season of repentance—to know God’s love more deeply, without intoxication and smoke, in the wake of losing someone I loved.

As someone living with depression, I’ve come to learn the difference between “God’s silence because He has left us” and “God’s silence because He is working on something.”

In my past sinful life, I felt utterly collapsed. My chest was heavy like carrying a stone. I shouted and threw tantrums at God, but I heard nothing. That was because I didn’t allow Him to speak through His Word. I went to church once, then returned to drinking, smoking, and seeking men who offered no love—only exploitation. Yet I didn’t know why I kept doing it. I felt like God was silent because He had abandoned me in my sin.

Now, in this season of repentance, I am no longer collapsed. I pray to Him, and I allow myself to hear His voice through devotionals, occasional daily Mass, and weekly Sunday Mass. I even curated my TikTok algorithm to fill my feed with testimonies and Bible verses.

I also read testimonies from my friends on Instagram. I find strength there. I seek His voice, and I find Him. I find Him in His Word. I often come across this phrase:

"Pray until you see what you are praying for."

And so, I always pray for the purification of my heart, my thoughts, and my eyes. I pray to be sanctified with Tuan.

I also often return to this verse:

Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
“So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Somehow, I believe that His silence means He is working on something—even though I cannot see anything yet.

I don't know how else to hope in God other than to keep praying for this relationship—though I sometimes grow weary of praying. Still, I keep myself occupied with meaningful activities while I wait. I attend vocal lessons. I take part in Bible study. I joined the Legion of Mary and serve in the church choir.

Friends, we must learn to think positively of God. We must learn to believe that God's silence may actually be saving us from making the wrong decision.

At this moment, I long for marriage. But I realize that I still carry wounds from the past—deep ones. That’s why I believe a broken friendship is better than a broken marriage, especially since Christianity forbids divorce.

I still believe that God is good and faithful. I still believe His plans are for my salvation. However, I’m currently reflecting: Is Tuan still part of God’s divine plan for me—or not?

I am willing to walk in this small faith, even if I see nothing ahead. Because I believe God is present in my life.

I believe that this moment of God's silence is a test of my faith—to grow in faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. So that I may be ever more holy before Him.

Peace of Christ be with you.

Mengapa Tuhan Mengeraskan Hati Firaun? (Why Did God Harden Pharaoh’s Heart?)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus

Bagaimana kabarmu, teman-teman?

Aku harap teman-teman dalam keadaan sukacita.

Aku merenungkan sebuah pertanyaan yang bersumber dari Keluaran 4:21,

Firman TUHAN kepada Musa:
"Pada waktu engkau hendak kembali ini ke Mesir, ingatlah, supaya segala mujizat yang telah Kuserahkan ke dalam tanganmu, kauperbuat di depan Firaun. Tetapi Aku akan mengeraskan hatinya, sehingga ia tidak membiarkan bangsa itu pergi."

"Mengapa Tuhan menghukum Mesir, apabila hati Firaun Tuhan sendiri yang keraskan?"

Aku bertanya pada teman-teman, aku mencari di komentar Kitab Suci Katolik maupun Protestan, tapi tidak ada jawaban yang memuaskanku.

Aku pun semakin mencari jawaban setelah aku menemukan ayat lain yang konteksnya sama dengan perenunganku, yaitu Keluaran 7:3-4:

7:3 Tetapi Aku akan mengeraskan hati Firaun, dan Aku akan memperbanyak tanda-tanda dan mujizat-mujizat yang Kubuat di tanah Mesir.
7:4 Bilamana Firaun tidak mendengarkan kamu, maka Aku akan mendatangkan tangan-Ku kepada Mesir dan mengeluarkan pasukan-Ku, umat-Ku, orang Israel, dari tanah Mesir dengan hukuman-hukuman yang berat.

Namun, aku masih tetap percaya pada Tuhan. Tidak sedikitpun luntur kepercayaanku yang saat ini ada hanya karena hal ini.

Lalu, aku menemukan komentar Ramban terkait hal ini. Aku merasa puas dengan jawaban ini.

AND I WILL HARDEN PHARAOH’S HEART.
The Rabbis said in Midrash Rabbah: “G-d revealed to Moses that He was destined to harden Pharaoh’s heart in order to bring judgment upon him for he caused them to work in cruel bondage.”
It is also stated there [in Midrash Rabbah]: “For I have hardened his heart.” Rabbi Yochanan said, “This provides a pretext for the heretics to say that G-d did not allow Pharaoh to repent.” Rabbi Shimon ben Lakish said, “The mouths of the heretics be closed! Only, if it concerneth the scorners, He scorneth them. When He warns one on three occasions and he does not turn from his ways, He closes the door of repentance on him in order to punish him for his sin. Such was the case with wicked Pharaoh.
After the Holy One, blessed be He, sent him five times [the request to let His people go] and he paid no attention to His words, the Holy One, blessed be He, said to him: You have stiffened your neck and hardened your heart; I will double your defilement.”

The Rabbis [in the above Midrash] have thus discussed the question which all ask: “If G-d hardened his heart, what then was Pharaoh’s sin?” For this there are two explanations, and both of them are true.

1. Pharaoh, in his wickedness, had unjustifiably perpetrated such great evils against Israel that justice required that the ways of repentance be withheld from him, as is so indicated in many places in the Torah and in the Writings. He was judged according to his wickedness which he had originally committed of his own will.

2. Half of the plagues came upon him because of his transgressions, for in connection with them it is only said: And Pharaoh’s heart was hardened; And Pharaoh hardened his heart. Thus Pharaoh refused to let the children of Israel go for the glory of G-d. But when the plagues began bearing down upon him and he became weary to suffer them, his heart softened and he bethought himself to send them out on account of the onslaught of the plagues, not in order to do the will of his Creator. Then G-d hardened his spirit and made his heart obstinate, so that His name may be declared [throughout all the earth]. Similar in meaning is the verse, Thus will I magnify Myself…

Before the plagues, And I will harden his heart, and he will not let the people go, was merely His warning to Moses of what He was destined to do to Pharaoh in the last five plagues, it being similar to that which He said, And I know that the king of Egypt will not give you leave to go.
This then is the meaning of the verse [before us], And I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and multiply My signs. That is to say, “I will harden his heart so that My wonders may be multiplied in the land of Egypt,” since in the last five plagues, as well as at the drowning in the sea, it is said, And the Eternal hardened the heart of Pharaoh, for “the king’s heart is in the hand of the Eternal; He turneth it whithersoever He will.”

---

Hal yang perlu kita lakukan adalah kita perlu membedakan mana dosa Firaun dan mana hati Firaun yang dikeraskan Tuhan.

Kita dapat melihat dalam Keluaran 1 bagaimana orang Israel ditindas di Mesir dan bayi-bayi laki-laki diperintahkan untuk dibunuh. Itulah dosa Firaun.

Tetapi, pada saat Firaun menolak bangsa Israel untuk keluar pergi beribadah dari Mesir. Ini rangkaian karya Allah untuk menunjukkan mukjizatNya di tanah Mesir.

Lalu, apabila kekerasan hati Firaun itu Allah yang buat, apakah ada kemungkinan Firaun lebih memilih lunak hatinya? Apakah ada kemungkinan kita bisa lunak hatinya meski Allah merancangkan kita sebagai keras hati?

Ya, ada kemungkinan Firaun bisa saja lunak hati, termasuk kita.
Karena, setiap kita diberkahi kehendak bebas yang mana Allah menghormati kehendak bebas kita.

Sekian perenungan hari ini. 

Damai Kristus menyertai 

In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit

How are you, dear friends?

I hope you are all in joy and peace.

I’ve been reflecting on a question that comes from Exodus 4:21:

The LORD said to Moses,
“When you return to Egypt, see that you perform before Pharaoh all the wonders I have put in your hand.
But I will harden his heart so that he will not let the people go.”

"Why would God punish Egypt, if it was God Himself who hardened Pharaoh’s heart?"

I asked this to some friends. I searched for answers in both Catholic and Protestant Bible commentaries, but none of them satisfied me.

I continued my search for an answer, especially after I found another passage with the same context that deepened my reflection: Exodus 7:3–4:

7:3 But I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and I will multiply My signs and wonders in the land of Egypt.
7:4 Yet Pharaoh will not listen to you. Then I will lay My hand on Egypt and bring out My armies, My people the Israelites, from the land of Egypt by great acts of judgment.

Still, I continue to believe in God. My faith has not diminished in the slightest, even as I wrestle with this question.

Then, I found Ramban’s commentary on this. And I finally felt at peace with his answer.

---

AND I WILL HARDEN PHARAOH’S HEART.

The Rabbis said in Midrash Rabbah:
“God revealed to Moses that He was destined to harden Pharaoh’s heart in order to bring judgment upon him, for he caused them to work in cruel bondage.”
It is also stated there: “For I have hardened his heart.”

Rabbi Yochanan said,
“This provides a pretext for the heretics to say that God did not allow Pharaoh to repent.”

Rabbi Shimon ben Lakish said,
“Let the mouths of the heretics be shut! Only, if it concerns the scorners, He scorns them.
When He warns someone three times and they do not turn from their ways, He closes the door of repentance upon them, in order to punish them for their sin.
Such was the case with wicked Pharaoh.

After the Holy One, blessed be He, sent him five times [the request to let His people go], and he paid no attention to His words, the Holy One said to him:
You have stiffened your neck and hardened your heart; I will double your defilement.”

The Rabbis in the above Midrash addressed the question everyone asks:
“If God hardened Pharaoh’s heart, then what was Pharaoh’s sin?”

There are two explanations, and both are true.

First, Pharaoh—out of his own wickedness—had committed great injustices against Israel. Divine justice demanded that the path of repentance be closed off from him.
This is affirmed in many parts of the Torah and the Writings.
He was judged according to the evil he originally committed by his own will.

Second, half of the plagues were brought upon him because of his transgressions.
About these, Scripture says: “Pharaoh’s heart was hardened” and “Pharaoh hardened his heart.”

Pharaoh refused to let Israel go—not to honor God—but only to relieve the pressure from the plagues.
When the plagues pressed upon him and he grew weary, his heart softened and he thought to release them—not to do the will of his Creator, but to end his suffering.

So then, God hardened his spirit and made his heart obstinate,
so that His name might be proclaimed throughout all the earth.
This is similar to the verse: “Thus will I magnify Myself…”

Before the plagues, “I will harden his heart, and he will not let the people go,” was merely a warning to Moses about what God would do to Pharaoh during the last five plagues.
It echoes another verse: “I know that the king of Egypt will not let you go.”

Thus, the meaning of the verse before us, “I will harden Pharaoh’s heart and multiply My signs,”
is this:
“I will harden his heart so that My wonders may be multiplied in the land of Egypt.”
Indeed, in the last five plagues, and even during the drowning in the sea, it is written:
“The LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh,”
for “the king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wills.”

---

What we must do is learn to distinguish between what was Pharaoh’s sin, and what was Pharaoh’s heart hardened by God.

We can look back to Exodus 1, where the Israelites were oppressed in Egypt, and their baby boys were ordered to be killed. That was Pharaoh’s sin.

But when Pharaoh refused to let Israel go and worship in the wilderness,
that was God’s work—to display His wonders in Egypt.

Now, if Pharaoh’s hardened heart was caused by God,
could there still have been a possibility for Pharaoh to choose to soften his heart?
Could we also soften our hearts even if God intended otherwise?

Yes, there was still a possibility.
Pharaoh could have chosen a softened heart, just like we can.
Because each of us has been given the gift of free will,
and God honors that freedom.

---

That is all for today’s reflection.

May the peace of Christ be with you. ✨

Saat Gereja Tak Menyelesaikan Masalah (When Church Doesn’t Fix Everything)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus

Semoga tulisan ini dapat mengajak kita untuk datang beribadah kepadaNya.

Suatu hari, saya menemukan komentar di Instagram seperti ini:

"Kalau ke gereja ternyata gak menyelesaikan problem hidup, lalu ke gereja buat apa?"

Saya terpanggil untuk merenungkannya juga.
Apakah teman-teman juga terpanggil untuk merenungkannya?

Jika iya, maka tulisan ini untuk teman-teman.

---

Ada banyak ayat-ayat dalam Alkitab yang mengajak kita untuk datang beribadah kepada Tuhan. Salah satunya adalah Ibrani 10:25. Secara kontekstual, ayat ini menjelaskan tentang ketekunan atau keteguhan iman kita.

Ibrani 10:25
Janganlah kita menjauhkan diri dari pertemuan-pertemuan ibadah kita, seperti dibiasakan oleh beberapa orang, tetapi marilah kita saling menasihati, dan semakin giat melakukannya menjelang hari Tuhan yang mendekat.

---

A Catholic Commentary on Holy Scripture – Hebrews 10:19–25
Teks Asli (Inggris):

§ b 10:19–26 Steadfastness — ‘Unwavering confidence rooted in faith and working in charity’ is the watchword.
20. Christ is the inaugurator of the newly opened way to the Sanctuary through the veil of his flesh, and since he is also High Priest over the House of God, he inspires the boldness of our confidence.
22–24. Sincerity, fullness of faith, the sprinkling and washing that come from repentance and baptism give the conscience freedom of access. ‘Let us approach ... let us hold fast ... let us consider each other’ are the three exhortatives which urge the practice of the three divine virtues. Hope particularly is founded on the fidelity of God to his promises, and charity must be social.
25. The necessity of ‘provoking’ charity, of frequenting liturgical gatherings, of mutual exhortation is all the greater ‘as you see the day approaching’. The Parousia is meant, but the judgment on Jerusalem (five years hence) is probably included.

---

Berdasarkan tulisan tersebut, ketika kita menggunakan kebebasan hidup kita untuk datang beribadah merupakan wujud dari Kasih kita kepada Tuhan yang berakar dari iman kita kepada Tuhan. Ketika kita datang beribadah dan bertemu dengan sesama jemaat, di sana ada rasa ketersalingan kasih.

Hanya saja, saya harus akui kebanyakan dari kita, termasuk saya, apabila selesai beribadah di gereja, bukannya berjemaat, justru langsung pulang. Kita tidak memberi waktu untuk berbicara dengan jemaat yang lain. Ada banyak individualitas di dalam gereja. Saya akui kelemahan saya dalam hal ini.

---

Tetapi, ada gak kaitannya datang ke gereja dengan beresnya problematika hidup?

Saya pribadi tidak merasa problematika hidup saya selesai dengan datang ke gereja. Karena, ketika saya datang ke gereja, saya akan tertegur dengan dosa-dosa saya, bukan cara menyelesaikan problematika saya.

Dalam benak saya, beres atau tidaknya problematika kita itu bergantung dengan relasi pribadi kita dengan Tuhan.

Dalam relasi pribadi kita dengan Tuhan, kita diberi kelegaan dan ketenangan di sana (bdk. Matius 11:28). Kita menyadari bahwa Tuhan akan menolong kita untuk tidak tenggelam dalam problematika kehidupan dan menenangkan badai kehidupan kita (bdk. Matius 14:22–33; Matius 8:23–27). Selain itu, Allah juga berjanji menyertai sampai akhir zaman (bdk. Matius 28:20).

---

Jujur, saya juga merindukan problematika saya usai.
Saya sembuh dari sakit-penyakit saya.
Saya rindu berekonsiliasi dengan Tuan.
Saya rindu bisa deal dengan seluruh trauma saya dan hidup dalam sukacita.

Dulu, saya juga sempat langkah kaki saya terhenti untuk ke gereja, bahkan intensitas berdoa dan baca Alkitab saya mengendor. Saya merasa menjauh dari Tuhan. Tapi, itulah dinamika manusia dengan segala keberdosaannya, meskipun kita sudah aktif melayani.

---

Apakah rencana indah Tuhan selalu berwujud “sembuh dari sakit penyakit”, “rekonsiliasi dengan Tuan”, dan “deal dengan trauma”?

Saya berharap rencana indah itu berwujud 3 hal tersebut,
tapi kalau misalnya tidak, saya harap langkah saya tidak terhenti untuk tetap percaya kepada Allah Tritunggal.

---

Bagaimana denganmu?


Kiranya damai Kristus menyertai akhir minggu kita. 

Amin.

In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit

May this reflection encourage us to come and worship Him.

One day, I came across a comment on Instagram that said:

"If going to church doesn’t solve life’s problems, then what’s the point of going to church?"

I felt called to reflect on it.
Do you, dear friends, also feel called to reflect on it?

If yes, then this reflection is for you.

---

There are many verses in the Bible that invite us to come and worship the Lord. One of them is Hebrews 10:25. Contextually, this verse speaks about perseverance and steadfastness in our faith.

Hebrews 10:25
Do not neglect to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

---

A Catholic Commentary on Holy Scripture – Hebrews 10:19–25
(Excerpt in original English):

§ b 10:19–26 Steadfastness — “Unwavering confidence rooted in faith and working in charity” is the watchword.
20. Christ is the inaugurator of the newly opened way to the Sanctuary through the veil of His flesh, and since He is also High Priest over the House of God, He inspires the boldness of our confidence.
22–24. Sincerity, fullness of faith, the sprinkling and washing that come from repentance and baptism give the conscience freedom of access. “Let us approach … let us hold fast … let us consider each other” are the three exhortatives which urge the practice of the three divine virtues. Hope particularly is founded on the fidelity of God to His promises, and charity must be social.
25. The necessity of “provoking” charity, of frequenting liturgical gatherings, of mutual exhortation is all the greater “as you see the Day approaching.” The Parousia is meant, but the judgment on Jerusalem (five years hence) is probably included.

---

Based on this commentary, using our life’s freedom to come to worship is an act of love toward God, rooted in our faith in Him. When we worship and meet fellow believers, there is a sense of mutual love among us.

However, I must admit that many of us—including myself—often leave immediately after church instead of staying to fellowship. We don’t take time to speak with others in the congregation. There’s a lot of individualism within the church. I acknowledge my own weakness in this.

---

But does going to church have anything to do with solving our life’s problems?

Personally, I don’t think my problems are solved by going to church. Because when I go to church, I’m confronted by my sins—not necessarily given steps to fix my life’s situations.

In my understanding, whether our problems are resolved or not depends on our personal relationship with God.

In that relationship, we are given rest and peace (cf. Matthew 11:28).
We come to know that God helps us not to sink into life’s problems and calms the storms in our lives (cf. Matthew 14:22–33; Matthew 8:23–27).
Moreover, He has promised to be with us always, until the end of the age (cf. Matthew 28:20).

---

Truthfully, I also long for my problems to be resolved.
I long to be healed from my illnesses.
I long to be reconciled with Tuan.
I long to face all my traumas and live in joy.

There was a time when my steps to church halted, and my prayer and Bible-reading life faded. I felt distant from God. But that is the reality of being human in our sinfulness—even when we are actively serving in ministry.

---

Does God’s beautiful plan always look like “healing from illness,” “reconciliation with Tuan,” and “resolving trauma”?

I hope His beautiful plan includes those three things.
But even if it doesn’t, I pray that my steps will never stop trusting in the Triune God.

---

What about you?

May the peace of Christ be with you this weekend.

Amen.

Careless, Then Whispering Regret

Hello Guys,

Semoga tulisan ini dapat memeluk kesalahan kita terhadap orang yang kita cintai.

Teman-teman, pasti sering dengar intro lagu George Michael – Careless Whisper. Dulu, waktu kita kecil, kita hanya tahu alunan trompet (atau saxophone, ya?) yang sangat indah. Namun, ketika kita dewasa, kita memahami liriknya—dan hancur pelan-pelan di dalamnya.

Apakah teman-teman pernah melakukan kesalahan dan pengkhianatan?

Jika pernah, kita sudah seharusnya merasa bersalah dan bertobat.

Saat ini, saya merasakan bersalah karena telah mengkhianati kepercayaan sahabat saya, Tuan. Kami sudah bersepakat bahwa tidak ada teman laki-laki lain, tapi saya tetap menghadirkan teman laki-laki lain karena saya ingin mengetahui ambang batas amarahnya. Saya takut dengan kekerasan, tapi betapa bodohnya saya yang justru mengkhianati kepercayaannya.

Saat itu, saya merasa tidak bersalah karena, toh, kita semua berteman. Hal yang luput dari kesadaran saya ialah: saya sudah berjanji untuk tidak menghadirkan teman laki-laki lain. Oleh sebab itu, saat saya mendengar lagu ini, saya merasa terpuruk. Karena saya menyia-nyiakan kesempatan yang telah ia beri pada saya. Hal ini yang membuat saya careless.

I'm never gonna dance again
Guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool
I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste the chance that I'd been given
So I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you, oh

Saya menyadari bahwa tidak ada hal yang bisa menghapus kesalahan. Saya pun tidak pernah berdoa agar waktu bisa diputar. Namun, saya memutuskan untuk cut off beberapa pertemanan dengan para lelaki. Saya membatasi beberapa teman laki-laki. Saya memutuskan untuk selibat, apabila dia tidak kembali lagi. Karena, menurut penilaian saya atas pengalaman tersebut, janji pertemanan saja tidak bisa saya penuhi—apalagi janji perkawinan.

Saya harap keputusan ini mampu menebus diri saya sendiri, meskipun Kristus-lah yang sesungguhnya menebus saya.

Namun, Tuhan hadir dalam hubungan ini. Saya dikasih kesempatan tiga kali untuk memperbaiki hubungan ini olehnya—dan gagal semua. Saya kalah dengan luka saya sendiri. Dia pun terluka dengan lukanya sendiri.

Tapi saya mengernyitkan dahi ketika mendengar lirik outro-nya:

(Now that you're gone)
Was what I did so wrong, so wrong
That you had to leave me alone?

Pencipta lagu masih mempertanyakan: sebegitu besarkah kesalahannya, sehingga dia ditinggalkan? Padahal, dia sudah berbuat curang.

Mengapa ya... kami dipertemukan hanya untuk saling melukai?


Have a nice day!

Hello Guys,

I hope this writing can embrace the mistakes we've made toward those we love.

Friends, you must be familiar with the intro of George Michael – Careless Whisper. Back when we were kids, we only knew the beautiful sound of the trumpet (or was it saxophone?). But as we grow older, we start to understand the lyrics—and slowly fall apart inside.

Have you ever made a mistake or betrayed someone?

If you have, then we should truly feel guilty and repent.

Right now, I feel guilty because I betrayed the trust of my close friend, Tuan. We had an agreement: no other male friends. But I still brought other male friends into the picture—because I wanted to test the limits of his anger. I was afraid of violence, yet how foolish of me to betray his trust like that.

At the time, I didn’t feel guilty, because, well, we were all just friends. But what I failed to realize was that I had made a promise—not to bring other men into our space. That’s why, when I heard this song again, I felt crushed. Because I had wasted the chance he had given me. That’s what made me careless.

I'm never gonna dance again
Guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool
I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste the chance that I'd been given
So I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you, oh

I realized that nothing can erase what I’ve done. I never even prayed for time to rewind. But, I decided to cut off some friendships with men. I've set boundaries with a few male friends.. I chose to stay celibate, in case he never comes back—because based on this experience, if I can’t keep a friendship promise, how could I ever keep a marriage vow?

I hope this decision helps redeem myself—although Christ is the one who truly redeems me.

Still, God was present in this relationship. He gave me three chances to fix it—and I failed all three. I lost to my own wounds. He was wounded by his own, too.

But I frowned when I heard the outro lyrics:

(Now that you're gone)
Was what I did so wrong, so wrong
That you had to leave me alone?

The songwriter still questions: Was my mistake that terrible, that you had to leave me? Even though he had already cheated.

Why were we brought together... only to hurt each other?

Have a nice day!

Yes, You Look Wonderful Tonight

Hello Guys, 👋

Hope Renung Nagisa finds you well. 🌊✨

Beberapa waktu yang lalu, saya menemukan komentar netizen yang menceritakan bahwa istrinya mewajibkan dirinya menafkahi sekian juta berdasarkan standar TikTok 😮📱, padahal laki-lakinya sudah menafkahi istrinya dengan seluruh gajinya. Kalau saya tidak salah ingat, gaji suaminya Rp 7 juta. 💸 Akibatnya, mereka berpisah. 💔

Untuk kamu, perempuan-perempuan yang sedang bingung menetapkan standar pasangan 💭👩‍❤️‍👨, mungkin tulisan ini cocok untukmu.

Saya pribadi merindukan seseorang yang tidak selingkuh 🚫💔, tidak KDRT 🚫👊, bertanggung jawab 💼, bisa menjadi tempat bersandar 🤗, minimal kuliah S1 🎓, dan bisa memuji saya dengan tulus 🥹🌷.

Saya merindukan seseorang yang bisa memuji keindahan saya sama seperti di lagu Wonderful Tonight yang dibawakan oleh Eric Clapton. 🎶💕

And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight." 💌🌙

Saya merasa sedih saat mendengar lagu ini. 😢 Sejujurnya, saya belum pernah merasakan rasanya dipuji oleh laki-laki. Saya gak tahu rasanya dibilang cantik atau indah oleh orang yang saya cintai. 😔💭 Saya merindukan seseorang yang mengagumi saya karena saya cerdas 🧠💖, bukan hanya tertarik dengan tubuh saya. 🫥

Saya merindukan seseorang yang melihat dan menyadari dari kedalaman mata saya bahwa saya ini mencintainya. 👀❤️ Saya merindukan orang yang seperti si laki-laki dalam lagu ini. Menurut saya, lagu ini menceritakan tentang pengakuan dan peneguhan untuk perempuan supaya merasa aman. 🛏️🌸

Realitanya, saya adalah orang yang diam-diam mengagumi seseorang 😶‍🌫️. Tapi, saat itu, saya tidak sempat mengakui bahwa saya begitu mengaguminya. Saya tidak sempat memujinya bahwa dia itu tampan. 🥺💬 Apabila dia membaca tulisan ini, semoga dia sadar bahwa dia sangat tampan di mata saya. 🙏💓

Nah, teman-teman 👭👬, apabila kalian mendapatkan seseorang yang setia 💍, lemah lembut 🕊️, bertanggung jawab 🎯, bisa menjadi sandaran 🌳, dan sering memuji kalian dengan tulus 💬✨—itu sudah sangat cukup. Saya menemui seorang yang bertanggung jawab seperti bapak saya 👨‍👧, tapi saya belum pernah menemukan seseorang yang bare minimum seperti itu. Kita tidak perlu mematok total pendapatan seseorang untuk bersama kita 💵🚫, sepanjang dia bertanggung jawab, itu sudah cukup. 🙌

Sekian, dear. 💌

Have a nice day! 🌞💖

Hello Guys, 👋

Hope Renung Nagisa finds you well. 🌊✨

Some time ago, I came across a comment from a netizen sharing that his wife required him to financially support her with an amount aligned with TikTok standards 😮📱—even though he was already giving her his entire salary. If I remember correctly, he earned Rp 7 million per month. 💸 As a result, they ended up separating. 💔

To all the women out there who are confused about setting standards for a partner 💭👩‍❤️‍👨—maybe this reflection is for you.

Personally, I long for someone who doesn’t cheat 🚫💔, doesn’t abuse 🚫👊, is responsible 💼, someone I can lean on 🤗, at least holds a bachelor’s degree 🎓, and can sincerely praise me 🥹🌷.

I yearn for someone who sees beauty in me the way Eric Clapton does in Wonderful Tonight. 🎶💕

And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight." 💌🌙

This song makes me feel sad. 😢 To be honest, I’ve never experienced being praised by a man. I don’t know what it feels like to be told I’m beautiful by someone I love. 😔💭 I long for someone who admires my intellect 🧠💖—not just someone who’s attracted to my body. 🫥

I long for someone who can see and recognize through my eyes that I truly love him. 👀❤️ I long for someone like the man in that song. To me, that song is about affirmation—about making a woman feel safe and cherished. 🛏️🌸

In reality, I’m the kind of person who silently admires someone 😶‍🌫️. But back then, I didn’t get the chance to tell him how much I admired him. I didn’t get to say that he looked handsome to me. 🥺💬 If he ever reads this, I hope he knows that he looked very handsome in my eyes. 🙏💓

So, dear friends 👭👬—if you’ve found someone who’s loyal 💍, gentle 🕊️, responsible 🎯, someone to lean on 🌳, and who praises you sincerely 💬✨—that’s already more than enough. I’ve met responsible men like my father 👨‍👧, but I’ve yet to meet someone who fulfills even these bare minimum standards. You don’t need to demand a certain income to be with someone 💵🚫—as long as he’s truly responsible, that’s enough. 🙌

That’s all, dear. 💌

Have a nice day! 🌞💖

Pancasila

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus

Semoga tulisan ini dapat mengantarkan kita kepada keimanan yang semakin teguh.

Kita telah sepakat di dalam Pancasila mengenai Ketuhanan Yang Mahaesa bahwa kita menyembah Tuhan yang Satu. Saya pernah mengingat bahwa ada berita yang saat itu sangat booming di Indonesia bahwa seorang Tokoh  menyatakan bahwa Allah Tritunggal tidak selaras dengan Pancasila. Karena, Tuhannya 3 bukan 1 seperti yang diamanatkan dalam Pancasila. Hal itu membuat gereja membuat kebaktian pengajaran tentang Dogma dan penjelasan keselarasan 

Tapi, saat ini, saya tidak akan bahas Teologia, melainkan Hukum dan kebahasaan. 

Saat itu, saya tidak punya keberanian untuk menjawab tuduhan tersebut, tapi, saat ini saya punya keberanian itu.

Dalam bahasa Indonesia, Esa dalam Tuhan Yang Mahaesa berarti bersifat tunggal, tidak bersekutu. Secara etimologi, Esa diambil dari bahasa Sanskerta yang berarti Master atau Syiwa. 

Bersifat Tunggal. Bersifat sendiri dalam bahasa Indonesia berarti mempunyai Sifat, sedangkan Tunggal berarti Satu-satunya

Jadi, dalam permenunganku dan imanku mengenai Allah Tritunggal dihubungkan dengan Sila Satu adalah Allah Tritunggal satu-satunya Allah yang mempunyai sifat kasih, bukan allah lain. 

Apabila kita baca dokumen Naskah Pedoman Penghayatan dan Pengamalan Pancasila (Ekaprasetia Pancakarsa) dalam Tap MPR II/MPR/1978. Kita akan menemukan mengenai makna dari sila pertama

 

Hal yang ditekankan dari Sila pertama adalah 

1. Orang Indonesia punya Tuhan berdasarkan agama dan kepercayaan

2. Orang Indonesia punya sikap menghormati

3. Orang Indonesia tidak boleh memaksakan agamanya kepada orang lain. 

Sila Satu bersumber dari Prinsip Ketuhanan yang ditawarkan Bung Karno dalam sidang BPUPKI. Dalam pidato Bung Karno yang berjudul Lahirnya Pancasila dijelaskan dengan sangat indah mengenai Prinsip Ketuhanan sebagai prinsip kelima. Berikut saya tampilkan fotonya. 

 

 

 

Ketuhanan yang Mahaesa tidak dimaksudkan sebagai Tuhan jumlah 1, tapi Ketuhanan yang berkebudayaan. 

Jadi, kalau kamu memandang agama apapun tidak selaras dengan Pancasila hanya karena jumlah Tuhannya, kamu keliru. 

Kalau kamu membunuh karena beda agama, kamu tidak bisa tinggal di Indonesia. Kalau kamu mempersulit kepercayaan tertentu dalam urusan administrasi misalnya rumah Ibadah, kamu gak cocok tinggal di Indonesia. Kalau kamu memaksakan seseorang mengucap pengakuan iman tertentu, padahal kamu tahu agamanya dia apa, kamu tidak layak tinggal di Indonesia.

Hal yang seharusnya dibahas di gereja adalah cara menyelaraskan Amanat Agung dengan Sila Pertama.

Tapi, saya yakin dan percaya bahwa orang Kristen Indonesia punya akal budinya masing-masing dalam menjalankan Amanat Agung ini.  Kuncinya adalah satu, jangan maksa.