Perfect Love and the Agony of Gethsemane

Salam dalam nama Bapa, Putra, dan Roh Kudus.

Hari ini, saya sedang scroll Threads dan menemukan sebuah diskusi yang menarik.

Ada sebuah postingan yang menyatakan bahwa bahkan Yesus berdoa di Taman Getsemani, “Kalau bisa, lalukanlah cawan ini dari pada-Ku.” Kemudian, seseorang bertanya, “Jadi, apakah Yesus takut? Saya kan orang awam. Bisa bantu menjelaskan ayat 1 Yohanes 4:16 dan 1 Yohanes 4:18?”

1 Yohanes 4:16 mengatakan:

“Kita telah mengenal dan telah percaya akan kasih Allah kepada kita. Allah adalah kasih, dan barangsiapa tetap berada di dalam kasih, ia tetap berada di dalam Allah dan Allah di dalam dia.”

Kemudian 1 Yohanes 4:18 mengatakan:

“Di dalam kasih tidak ada ketakutan: kasih yang sempurna melenyapkan ketakutan; sebab ketakutan mengandung hukuman dan barangsiapa takut, ia tidak sempurna di dalam kasih.”

Lalu muncul pertanyaan: Kalau Yesus mengalami ketakutan di Getsemani, apakah itu berarti Ia berada di luar kasih? Dan kalau Ia berada di luar kasih, apakah itu berarti Ia bukan Allah?

Menurut saya, pertanyaan ini menarik. Saya pun mencoba merenungkannya dan mencari penjelasan melalui tafsiran Alkitab.

Menurut Matthew Henry’s Commentary (MHC), Yesus mengalami penderitaan dan ketakutan yang sangat besar di Getsemani. Namun, MHC menjelaskan bahwa penderitaan tersebut bukan disebabkan oleh luka-luka atau siksaan fisik karena pada saat itu belum ada seorang pun yang melukai-Nya. Sebaliknya, penderitaan yang Ia alami berasal dari pergumulan yang begitu dalam di dalam diri-Nya ketika Ia menghadapi apa yang akan segera terjadi.

MHC menjelaskannya demikian:

“. . Yang dialamiNya itu disebut ketakutan yang sangat besar, sebuah pertentangan Apa yang dialamiNya bukanlah rasa sakit atau siksaan badan karena sesungguhnya tidak ada yang melukai Dia saat itu. Akan tetapi, apapun yang membuatnya tersiksa berasal dari dalam diriNya sendiri. . .”

Lalu, bagaimana hal ini berkaitan dengan 1 Yohanes 4:16 dan 1 Yohanes 4:18?

MHC menjelaskan bahwa kasih yang sempurna dalam 1 Yohanes 4:18 melenyapkan ketakutan terhadap penghukuman dan penghakiman Allah. Orang-orang yang sungguh-sungguh mengasihi Allah dan percaya kepada kasih-Nya tidak perlu hidup dalam ketakutan terhadap hukuman yang akan datang. Sebaliknya, kasih Allah memberi mereka keberanian untuk menghadapinya.

". . . Orang-orang yang benar-benar mengasihi Allah karena sifat, nasihat, dan kovenanNya, juga benar-benar yakin akan kasihNya, dan sebagai  akibatnya, mereka juga bebas dari dugaan menakutkan apapun mengenai kuasa dan keadilan penghukumanNya, sebab mereka dipersenjatai untuk menghadapinya.. . ."

Hal ini membuat saya memahami bahwa perkataan “kasih yang sempurna melenyapkan ketakutan” bukan berarti seseorang yang mengasihi Allah tidak akan pernah mengalami rasa takut, kegelisahan, atau penderitaan batin.

Kasih yang sempurna melenyapkan ketakutan akan penghukuman dan keterpisahan dari Allah.

Ada juga perbedaan antara takut terhadap penghukuman Allah dan takut akan Allah dalam arti hormat, gentar, dan takjub kepada-Nya. Rasa takut yang kudus kepada Allah tidak bertentangan dengan kasih. Justru kita dipanggil untuk menghormati dan memuliakan-Nya.

Karena itu, penderitaan Yesus di Getsemani tidak seharusnya langsung dipahami sebagai tanda bahwa Ia tidak memiliki kasih atau bahwa Ia berada di luar kasih Allah.


Ia mengalami penderitaan yang begitu dalam karena Ia dengan rela menghadapi penderitaan yang ada di hadapan-Nya.

Doa-Nya, “Bukan kehendak-Ku, melainkan kehendak-Mulah yang terjadi,” bukanlah penolakan terhadap Bapa. Sebaliknya, doa tersebut menunjukkan ketaatan dan kasih-Nya yang sempurna kepada Bapa.

Dan mungkin, ada sesuatu yang juga penting bagi kita sebagai manusia biasa.

Mengalami ketakutan tidak otomatis berarti iman kita lemah. Merasa cemas tidak berarti kita berhenti mengasihi Allah. Merasa begitu tertekan oleh penderitaan tidak berarti Allah telah meninggalkan kita.


Karena itu, 1 Yohanes 4:18 bukan berarti setiap orang yang pernah merasa takut pasti tidak sempurna dalam kasih. Ayat ini justru mengarahkan kita kepada kasih yang secara perlahan membebaskan kita dari ketakutan akan penghukuman, karena kita tahu bahwa kita dikasihi oleh Allah.

Kasih yang sempurna bukan berarti kita tidak akan pernah gemetar.

Kasih yang sempurna berarti bahwa bahkan ketika kita gemetar, kita tetap dapat mempercayai Dia yang mengasihi kita.

Dan mungkin, inilah salah satu hal indah yang dapat kita pelajari dari Getsemani: ketakutan dan kasih dapat hadir di dalam hati yang sama. Namun, kasih yang sempurna mengajarkan kepada kita kepada siapa kita harus percaya di tengah-tengah ketakutan kita.

Amin.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Today, I was scrolling through Threads and came across an interesting discussion.

Someone posted that even Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane, saying, “If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me.” Then someone else asked:

“So, was Jesus afraid? I’m just an ordinary person. Could someone help explain 1 John 4:16 and 1 John 4:18?

‘We have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in him.’

And:

‘There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. Whoever fears is not made perfect in love.’

How do we understand this? If Jesus was afraid, does that mean He was outside of love? And if He was outside of love, does that mean He was not God?”

I found this question very interesting, so I reflected on it and looked into biblical commentaries.

According to Matthew Henry’s Commentary (MHC), Jesus experienced an overwhelming sense of anguish and fear in Gethsemane. However, MHC explains that His agony was not caused by physical wounds or the pain of crucifixion at that moment. No one was physically hurting Him in the garden. Rather, His suffering came from the immense anguish He experienced within Himself as He faced what was before Him.

MHC describes it this way:

“. . . What He experienced is described as a great agony, a profound inner conflict. What He experienced was not physical pain or bodily suffering, for no one was physically hurting Him at that moment. Rather, whatever caused Him distress came from within Himself. . . .”

So, how does this relate to 1 John 4:16 and 1 John 4:18?

MHC explains that the perfect love spoken of in 1 John removes the fearful expectation of God’s judgment and punishment. Those who truly love God and trust in His love do not have to live in terror of the coming judgment. Instead, His love gives them confidence to face it.

MHC describes it this way:

". . . Those who truly love God for His character, His counsels, and His covenant also have a firm confidence in His love. As a result, they are free from any fearful apprehension concerning the power and justice of His judgment, because they are equipped to face it. . . ."

This helped me understand that “perfect love drives out fear” does not mean that a person who loves God will never experience fear, anguish, or emotional suffering.

Rather, it means that perfect love drives out the fear of condemnation and punishment.

There is also a distinction between being afraid of God’s judgment and having reverent fear of God. Holy fear, awe, and reverence toward God are not contrary to love. In fact, Scripture teaches us to honor and revere Him.

Perhaps this is why the agony of Jesus in Gethsemane should not immediately be understood as a sign that He lacked love or that He was somehow outside of God’s love.


He was in anguish precisely as He willingly faced the suffering that lay before Him.

His prayer, “Not My will, but Yours be done,” reveals not a rejection of the Father, but perfect obedience and perfect love.

And perhaps this is also something important for us as ordinary human beings.

Experiencing fear does not automatically mean that our faith is weak. Feeling anxious does not mean that we have stopped loving God. Being overwhelmed by suffering does not mean that God has left us.


Therefore, 1 John 4:18 is not telling us that a person who ever feels afraid is imperfect in every sense. Rather, it points us toward a love that gradually frees us from the fear of condemnation, because we know that we are loved by God.

Perfect love does not necessarily mean that we will never tremble.

It means that even when we tremble, we can still trust the One who loves us.

And perhaps that is one of the most beautiful things we can learn from Gethsemane: fear and love can exist in the same heart, but perfect love teaches us whom to trust in the midst of our fear.

Amen.

Belajar Setia di Tengah Takut (Learning to Stay Faithful in the Midst of Fear)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, Putra, dan Roh Kudus.

Setelah kupikirkan dan kurenungkan dengan sungguh-sungguh, aku akhirnya menyadari bahwa aku tidak bisa bersama Orang Baru. Ada ketidaknyamanan yang halus tetapi terus-menerus mengetuk hatiku. Tidak ada damai di dalamnya, dan aku merasa bersalah terhadap Abang Sayang. Karena itu, aku memilih untuk tetap setia.

Namun, setelah memilih jalan ini, rasa khawatirku justru semakin terasa. Sampai hari ini aku masih bergumul dengan ketakutan tentang kecukupan finansial. Aku hidup dalam bayang-bayang kekhawatiran: takut tidak cukup, takut kehilangan, bahkan takut Abang pergi terlebih dahulu mengingat perbedaan usia kami yang cukup jauh.

Dalam pergumulan itu, ayat dari 1 Yohanes 4:18 kembali terngiang:
“Di dalam kasih tidak ada ketakutan: kasih yang sempurna melenyapkan ketakutan; sebab ketakutan mengandung hukuman dan barangsiapa takut, ia tidak sempurna di dalam kasih.”

Aku merenungkan kembali apa itu kasih yang sempurna. Dalam doaku, aku teringat bahwa kasih yang sempurna itu bukan berasal dari diriku—melainkan dari Allah sendiri. Kasih yang sempurna adalah kasih yang memperkenankan kita menyapa Dia sebagai Bapa. Kasih yang sempurna adalah ketika Kristus mati untuk menebus dosa manusia. Perenungan ini datang saat aku mendengarkan lagu Bapa Yang Kekal, yang mengingatkanku bahwa kasih-Nya tidak berubah sekalipun hatiku goyah.

Lalu aku bertanya pada diriku sendiri:
“Apakah aku sudah menerima kasih yang sempurna itu?”

Aku percaya, ketika aku berani berseru memanggil Allah sebagai Bapa, di situlah kasih-Nya sudah lebih dulu bekerja. Penebusan itu nyata. Penerimaan itu penuh. Namun, jujur kuakui: saat ini aku seperti mati rasa. Aku tahu kebenarannya, tetapi jiwaku masih berjuang mengecapnya.

Meski begitu, aku percaya kasih Tuhan tidak pernah ditentukan oleh apa yang kurasakan hari ini. Ia tetap bekerja dalam diam. Dan mungkin, justru dalam masa mati rasa inilah, Tuhan sedang membentukku—perlahan, lembut, dan pasti.

Pada akhirnya, aku ingin belajar berjalan perlahan bersama Tuhan. Menerima rasa takutku apa adanya, sambil percaya bahwa kasih-Nya jauh lebih besar daripada seluruh ketidakpastianku. Aku tidak tahu masa depan, tetapi aku tahu siapa yang menggandengku di dalamnya. Dan untuk hari ini, itu sudah cukup.

Amin.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

After much thought and sincere reflection, I finally realized that I could not be with the New Person. There was a subtle, persistent uneasiness in my heart. There was no peace in it, and I felt guilty toward Abang Sayang. Because of that, I chose to remain faithful.

However, after making that decision, my worries only grew stronger. Until today, I am still struggling with fears about financial security. I live in the shadow of anxiety: afraid of not having enough, afraid of losing him, even afraid that Abang might leave this world before me because of our 14-year age difference.

In the midst of these struggles, the verse from 1 John 4:18 echoes in my mind:
“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”

I began to reflect again on what perfect love truly is. In my prayers, I remembered that perfect love does not come from within me—it comes from God Himself. Perfect love is what allows us to call Him Father. Perfect love is Christ who died to redeem the sins of humanity. This reflection came while I was listening to the song Bapa Yang Kekal, which reminded me that His love does not change, even when my heart wavers.

Then I asked myself:
“Have I truly received that perfect love?”

I believe that when I dare to cry out and call God “Father,” His love is already at work within me. Redemption is real. His acceptance is full. Yet I must honestly admit: right now, I feel numb. I know the truth, but my soul is still struggling to feel it.

Even so, I trust that God’s love is never determined by what I feel today. His love continues to work in the quiet. And perhaps, in this season of numbness, God is shaping me—slowly, gently, and surely.

In the end, I want to learn to walk slowly with God. To accept my fears as they are, while trusting that His love is far greater than all my uncertainties. I do not know what the future holds, but I know who is holding my hand in it. And for today, that is enough.

Amen.

Dilema Antara Cinta dan Masa Depan (Dilemma Between Love and the Future)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, Putra, dan Roh Kudus.

Apakah teman-teman pernah merasa dilema?
Bukan karena tidak tahu mana yang baik, tapi karena dua-duanya terasa benar — hanya saja, dalam arah yang berbeda.

Saat ini, aku sedang berada di persimpangan seperti itu.
Aku punya pacar — sebut saja namanya Abang Sayang.
Ia bertanggung jawab, pekerja keras, baik, dan selalu berusaha melindungi keluarganya. Ia bekerja di distributor obat. Kedua orangtuanya sudah tiada. Beberapa hari lalu, ia bercerita: ada apotek yang order melalui dia senilai 24 juta, tapi ternyata gagal bayar. Akibatnya, gajinya dipotong untuk menanggung kerugian perusahaan.
Motornya terpaksa digadaikan 3 juta demi kebutuhan sehari-hari.
Ia tidak punya tabungan, dan baru bisa menabung awal tahun depan.

Lalu, di sisi lain, datang seseorang yang baru.
Sebut saja dia Orang Baru — lulusan Manajemen Logistik Trisakti, bekerja sebagai admin, tinggal dengan orangtua, dan sudah memiliki tabungan. Hidupnya stabil, tenang, dan masa depannya tampak lebih pasti.

Secara logika, tentu pilihan itu mudah. Tapi hati manusia tidak sesederhana hitungan tabungan atau slip gaji. Aku menyayangi Abang Sayang. Aku tidak ingin meninggalkannya saat dia sedang jatuh. Namun, aku juga takut bila aku bertahan hanya karena kasihan, bukan cinta.

Kini, aku bergulat dengan dua pertanyaan:

1. Jika Abang Sayang bangkit secara finansial, apakah aku masih ingin bersamanya karena pribadinya, bukan karena rasa kasihan?

2. Jika aku bersama Orang Baru yang lebih stabil, apakah hatiku akan benar-benar damai, atau justru masih menoleh ke masa lalu dengan rasa bersalah?

Kadang aku merasa, dilema seperti ini bukan sekadar soal cinta, tapi juga tentang siapa diriku dan apa yang sebenarnya aku cari dalam hidup ini — keamanan, cinta, atau keduanya?

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✨ Refleksi untukmu yang membaca ini:
Pernahkah kamu berada di titik di mana cinta dan logika saling tarik menarik?
Apakah kamu lebih memilih hati yang tenang, atau masa depan yang pasti?
Bagikan ceritamu atau refleksimu di kolom komentar — mungkin kita bisa saling menguatkan di tengah dilema yang tak selalu punya jawaban mudah.

In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Have you ever felt torn in a dilemma?
Not because you don’t know which one is right, but because both choices feel right — just in different directions.

Right now, I’m standing at such a crossroads.
I have a boyfriend — let’s call him My Dear One.
He’s responsible, hardworking, kind, and always tries to protect his family. He works at a pharmaceutical distributor. Both of his parents have passed away. A few days ago, he told me that one of the pharmacies ordered through him for 24 million rupiahs, but the payment fell through. As a result, his salary is being deducted to cover the company’s loss.
He had to pawn his motorcycle for 3 million just to meet daily needs.
He has no savings and can only start saving again early next year.

Then, on the other side, someone new appeared.
Let’s call him The New One — a graduate in Logistics Management from Trisakti University, working as an admin, living with his parents, and already having some savings. His life seems stable, calm, and his future looks more certain.

Logically, the choice should be easy. But the human heart isn’t as simple as numbers on a payslip or the amount in a savings account. I care about My Dear One. I don’t want to leave him when he’s down. Yet, I’m also afraid that I might be staying only out of pity, not love.

Now, I wrestle with two questions:

If My Dear One rises again financially, would I still want to be with him because of who he is, not because I feel sorry for him?

If I choose The New One who’s more stable, would my heart truly be at peace — or would I still glance back at the past with guilt?

Sometimes I feel that this dilemma isn’t just about love,
but also about who I am, and what I truly seek in life —
security, love, or both?

✨ A reflection for you who are reading this:
Have you ever stood at the point where love and logic pull you in opposite directions?
Would you rather choose a peaceful heart, or a certain future?
Share your story or reflection in the comments — perhaps we can strengthen one another amidst dilemmas that don’t always have easy answers.

Cukupkah Kasih Karunia-Nya di Tengah Depresi? (Is His Grace Enough in the Midst of Depression? ✨)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus.

Ada satu pertanyaan yang akhir-akhir ini sering muncul dalam hatiku: “Haruskah aku bermegah dalam kelemahanku? Haruskah aku bersaksi tentang kuasa Tuhan, bahkan di tengah depresiku?”

Sudah banyak malam pertobatan yang kulalui bersama Kristus. Aku sudah lepas dari rokok. Aku sudah lepas dari alkohol. Aku sudah lepas dari seks bebas. Aku sedang dalam proses pelepasan dari pornografi. Aku sedang dalam proses pelepasan dari masturbasi. Akhir-akhir ini, aku bersih dari dosa-dosa yang dulu begitu mengikatku.

Namun, kenyataan lain hadir: aku didiagnosa skizoafektif tipe depresi, atau depresi berat dengan ciri psikotik. Aku bergumul dengan kondisi ini sambil merenungkan perikop Paulus dalam 2 Korintus 12:1–10, tentang penglihatan dan duri dalam daging.

Aku pun bertanya dalam doa: “Apakah jangan-jangan aku diizinkan mengalami depresi agar tidak meninggikan diri atas perjalanan pertobatan ini? Bagaimana jika Tuhan berkata: ‘Cukuplah kasih karunia-Ku bagimu, sebab justru dalam kelemahanlah kuasa-Ku menjadi sempurna?’”

Apa yang aku pelajari dari pergumulan ini

1. Depresi menjadi ruang pengingat.
   Lewat depresi, aku belajar untuk tidak mengandalkan diriku sendiri. Hanya kasih karunia-Nya yang mampu menopangku.

2. Aku bisa berani jujur.
   Aku tidak perlu menutupi depresiku. Justru, di tengah kerentanan ini, aku bisa tetap bersaksi bahwa kasih setia Tuhan nyata menopangku.

3. Kesetiaan kecil adalah saksi besar.
   Kuasa Tuhan mungkin tidak selalu hadir lewat mujizat instan. Ia hadir lewat kesetiaan untuk tetap berdoa meski hati hampa, lewat keberanian datang ke psikiater, dan lewat komitmen meninggalkan kebiasaan lama. Semua ini adalah bukti bahwa kasih karunia bekerja.

Jadi, bagaimana caranya bermegah di tengah depresi?

Bukan dengan menolak kenyataan. Bukan juga dengan memamerkan luka. Tapi dengan mengizinkan orang lain melihat bagaimana kasih karunia Kristus menolongku bertahan dan tetap berjalan, meski langkah terasa berat.

“Sebab ketika aku lemah, maka aku kuat.” (2 Korintus 12:10)

Jujur, aku berharap bisa sembuh. Karena, aku mau menikah. Aku mau punya anak yang bersih dari penyakit jiwa.  

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✨ Refleksi untukmu yang membaca:
Pernahkah engkau merasa rapuh, tapi justru di sanalah engkau melihat tangan Tuhan menopangmu? Bagaimana kalau hari ini kita belajar bermegah bukan karena kita kuat, tetapi karena kasih karunia Kristus cukup?

Kalau kamu sedang bergumul juga, aku ingin mengajakmu untuk berani jujur pada Tuhan—dan mungkin juga pada orang terdekat—tentang kelemahanmu. Percayalah, kuasa-Nya nyata dalam kerentananmu.

In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

There’s a question that has been echoing in my heart lately: “Should I boast in my weakness? Should I testify to God’s power, even in the midst of my depression?”

I have walked through many nights of repentance with Christ. I have been freed from cigarettes. I have been freed from alcohol. I have been freed from promiscuity. I am in the process of being freed from pornography. I am in the process of being freed from masturbation. Recently, I have been living clean from the sins that once tightly bound me.

Yet another reality remains: I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, depressive type—or major depressive disorder with psychotic features. I wrestle with this condition while reflecting on Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 12:1–10, about visions and the thorn in the flesh.

I ask in prayer: “Could it be that I was allowed to experience depression so that I would not exalt myself because of this journey of repentance? What if God is saying to me: ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness’?”

What I have learned from this struggle

Depression is a space of reminder.
Through depression, I learn not to rely on myself. Only His grace sustains me.

I can dare to be honest.
I don’t have to hide my depression. Instead, in this vulnerability, I can testify that God’s faithful love truly sustains me.

Small acts of faithfulness are a great witness.
God’s power does not always appear through instant miracles. It is present in the faithfulness to keep praying even when my heart feels empty, in the courage to see a psychiatrist, and in the commitment to leave behind old habits. All of these are proof that His grace is at work.

So, how do I boast in the midst of depression?

Not by denying reality. Not by showcasing my wounds. But by allowing others to see how the grace of Christ helps me endure and keep walking, even when the steps feel heavy.

“For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:10)

Honestly, I do hope to be healed. Because I want to get married. I want to have children who are free from mental illness.

✨ A reflection for you who are reading this:
Have you ever felt fragile, yet in that very place, you saw the hand of God upholding you? What if today we learn to boast—not because we are strong, but because Christ’s grace is enough?

If you are also struggling, I invite you to be honest with God—and perhaps with someone close to you—about your weakness. Believe that His power is revealed in your vulnerability.

Mengapa Yesus Memberitahukan Penderitaan-Nya? (Why Did Jesus Foretell His Suffering?)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus ✝️

Pernahkah kamu merenung, apa sebenarnya faedah Yesus memberitahukan penderitaan-Nya lebih dahulu kepada murid-murid-Nya?

Dalam pembelajaran kelas Matrikulasi atau Katekumen, hal ini dijelaskan sebagai bentuk persiapan: agar murid-murid tidak kaget ketika penderitaan itu benar-benar terjadi. Namun, semakin direnungkan, semakin terasa ada makna yang lebih dalam.

Yesus bukan sekadar memberi peringatan, melainkan juga memperlihatkan ke-Allahan-Nya. Sebab, tidak ada manusia yang bisa mengetahui dengan tepat apa yang akan dialaminya di masa depan—kecuali Allah sendiri yang mengetahui segala rancangan. Pemberitahuan penderitaan itu menjadi tanda bahwa Yesus benar-benar adalah Tuhan, yang tidak hanya berjalan menuju salib, tetapi juga sudah melihat keselamatan yang menanti di baliknya.

Maka, ketika kita membaca bagian Injil ini, kita diajak bukan hanya untuk memahami penderitaan Kristus, melainkan juga untuk menguatkan iman kita. Bahwa hidup kita pun ada di dalam tangan Allah yang tahu segala sesuatu—bahkan sebelum kita mengalaminya.

✨ Pertanyaannya sekarang: apakah kita berani berjalan dalam rancangan-Nya, meskipun jalannya tidak selalu nyaman, karena percaya bahwa Dia sudah melihat akhir yang baik?

🙏 Kalau kamu juga pernah merenungkan hal ini, atau mungkin sedang berjuang mempercayai rencana Tuhan di tengah situasi sulit, tuliskan refleksimu di kolom komentar. Mari kita saling menguatkan dalam iman.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit ✝️

Have you ever wondered, what is the real purpose of Jesus foretelling His suffering to His disciples?

In catechumen or matriculation classes, this is often explained as a form of preparation: so that the disciples would not be shocked when His suffering actually happened. Yet, the more I reflect on it, the more I see a deeper meaning.

Jesus was not merely giving a warning—He was revealing His divinity. No human being can predict with certainty what they will go through in the future, except God Himself who knows every plan. The foretelling of His suffering stands as a sign that Jesus truly is God, who not only walked toward the cross but had already seen the salvation waiting beyond it.

So when we read this passage of the Gospel, we are invited not only to understand Christ’s suffering but also to strengthen our faith. Our lives, too, are in the hands of God who knows everything—even before we experience it.

✨ The question is: are we willing to walk in His plan, even when the path is uncomfortable, trusting that He has already seen the good ending?

🙏 If you’ve also reflected on this, or if you’re struggling to trust God’s plan in the midst of challenges, share your thoughts in the comments below. Let’s strengthen one another in faith.

Do you still believe that God is Good and your Savior, even though He allowed such crimes to happen in your past?

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus

Dalam bukunya Seni Berdamai dengan Diri Sendiri, Claudia Sabrina menuliskan begini:

"Berbagai cara dilakukan demi mewujudkan harapan, target atau cita-cita tersebut. Berusaha, berpeluh, hingga merapal­kan doa setiap malam tidak pernah alpa dilakukan. Tapi, keputusan tetap ada pada Sang Pemilik Semesta. Ada doa yang langsung dikabulkan oleh Tuhan. Ada doa yang kelak dikabulkan. Ada pula doa yang tidak dikabulkan tapi diganti dengan yang lebih baik. Lalu, bagaimana kalau ternyata doa tidak dikabulkan? Anda pasti kecewa. Rasanya semua usaha yang sudah dilakukan sia-sia. Ketika usaha dan doa Anda tidak dijawab, maka berdamailah dengan diri sendiri..."

Pasti kita semua pernah mengalami keadaan di mana doa kita tidak dijawab oleh Allah, bukan? Tapi mengapa kita diminta berdamai dengan diri sendiri dan bukan berdamai dengan Allah, Sang Pengabul Doa?

Karena, kita selalu berpandangan bahwa Allah itu Maha Baik, Allah itu Sempurna, dan yang salah pasti manusia.

Tapi bagaimana bila konteks kejadiannya seperti ini?

Kita masih kecil, tapi dilecehkan secara seksual oleh orang terdekat kita.
Atau kita sudah menaati hukum dengan sebaik-baiknya, tetapi anggota keluarga kita dibunuh oleh orang lain.
Padahal, kita sudah berdoa, "bebaskanlah kami dari segala yang jahat".

Hal yang menjadi perenungan kita adalah:

1. Kita telah memahami bahwa manusia memiliki kehendak bebas, tapi dunia ini tidak luput dari izin Allah.
2. Kita tahu Allah memiliki rancangan keselamatan kepada kita. Tapi, mengapa pada waktu itu, keselamatan itu tidak terjadi pada kita?

---

Apakah kamu marah kepada Allah sebab batasmu dilanggar—tetapi kamu takut berdosa karena marah itu?

Saya pernah marah pada Allah. Saya berteriak pada-Nya:

"Mengapa ini semua terjadi kepadaku?"

Saya mempertanyakan alasan KDRT orangtua saya dan pelecehan seksual waktu saya kecil.

Bagiku, ini merupakan ujian iman yang berat untuk dihadapi. Karena saya perlu menanggapi pertanyaan ini:

Apakah kamu percaya bahwa Allah Maha Baik dan Juruselamat, meskipun Allah mengizinkan tindak pidana itu terjadi dalam kehidupanmu di masa lalu?

Dan inilah jawaban saya:

Allah Tritunggal mengasihi saya. Kristus adalah Juruselamat saya.
Meskipun masa lalu saya buruk dan kelam, saya yakin dan percaya masa depan saya aman di dalam Kristus.

---

Bagaimana denganmu?

Kristus meratap bersamamu.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

In her book "Seni Berdamai dengan Diri Sendiri," Claudia Sabrina writes:

“Translated by me: Various efforts are made to achieve hopes, targets, or dreams. Striving, sweating, even praying every night—none are ever skipped. But in the end, the decision belongs to the Creator of the Universe. Some prayers are answered immediately. Some will be answered in time. Some are not answered but are replaced with something better. So, what if the prayer is not answered at all? You’ll surely be disappointed. It feels as if all your efforts were in vain. When your efforts and prayers are left unanswered, make peace with yourself…”

Surely, we’ve all experienced moments when our prayers seem to go unanswered, haven’t we? But why are we encouraged to make peace with ourselves and not with God, the One who answers prayer?

Because we often assume that God is always Good, always Perfect, and that the one at fault must be the human.

But what if the context looks like this?

You were just a child, and someone close to you sexually abused you.
Or you followed the law with all your heart, and yet someone murdered your family member.
And all the while, you had prayed, "deliver us from evil."

This leads us to a deeper reflection:

We understand that humans have free will.
Yet this world does not escape God's sovereign permission.
We believe God has a plan of salvation for us.
But why, at that moment, did that salvation seem absent?

Are you angry at God because your boundaries were violated—
but you’re afraid that your anger might be sinful?

I have been angry at God before.
I cried out to Him:

“Why did all of this happen to me?”

I questioned the reasons behind my parents’ domestic violence
and the sexual abuse I endured as a child.

For me, it became a severe test of faith.
Because I had to face this question:

Do you still believe that God is Good and your Savior,
even though He allowed such crimes to happen in your past?

And here is my answer:

The Triune God loves me. Christ is my Savior.
Though my past was painful and dark, I believe and trust
that my future is safe in Christ.

---

How about you?
Christ weeps with you.

Keheningan Allah yang Menyelamatkan dan Depresi (God’s Redemptive Silence and the Dark Night of the Soul )

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus 

Saya baru menyadari bahwa penyakit depresi yang saya alami bukan hanya sekadar sakit jiwa biasa, tetapi merupakan respons atas keheningan Allah.

Henry Blackaby sebagaimana dikutip oleh Philip Yancey dalam buku berjudul Doa berbicara begini:

“Anda dapat merespons keheningan Allah dalam dua cara. Salah satu respons adalah Anda masuk ke dalam depresi, rasa bersalah, dan mengutuk diri sendiri. Respons lain adalah Anda memiliki harapan bahwa Allah akan membawa Anda ke pengetahuan yang lebih mendalam mengenai diri-Nya.”

Hal yang kurasakan saat menghadapi keheningan Allah adalah kecewa. Aku kecewa karena aku memiliki ekspektasi tertentu akan suatu keadaan. Atas ketidaktercapaian ekspektasi tersebut, aku menyalahkan diriku sendiri. Aku menganalisis dan mengintrospeksi diri untuk mencari letak kesalahanku. Atas kesalahanku, aku berasumsi bahwa aku tidak layak mendapatkan rahmat tersebut.

Aku memandang bahwa aku telah ditolak Allah. Sebab, aku tidak baik dalam menjaga dan merawat rahmat-Nya. Hal ini yang kurasakan saat retaknya hubunganku dengan Tuan. Aku baru belajar berharap pada umur 30 tahun, meskipun aku tidak percaya bahwa Tuhan akan mengabulkan harapanku.

Ini merupakan pengalaman kesekian kali aku berhadapan dengan diamnya Tuhan dalam permasalahan retaknya relasi dengan pasangan. Namun, saat dulu, aku selalu menghabiskan waktuku dengan mabuk dan merokok. Mungkin, saat ini merupakan masa pertobatanku untuk mengenal kasih Tuhan lebih dalam tanpa mabuk dan rokok pasca hilangnya orang yang kukasihi.

Sebagai seseorang yang mengidap depresi, tentu saja aku belajar mengenai “diamnya Tuhan karena meninggalkan kita” dengan “diamnya Tuhan karena sedang mengerjakan sesuatu.”

Pada masa aku berdosa dulu, aku merasa terkapar. Dadaku berat seperti membawa batu. Aku berteriak dan tantrum kepada Tuhan, tetapi aku tidak mendengar suara-Nya. Karena, aku tidak membiarkan Dia berbicara melalui firman-Nya. Aku hanya datang ke gereja sekali, sehabis itu aku kembali mabuk dan merokok serta mencari laki-laki padahal laki-laki tersebut tidak memberikan kasih sayang—justru memanfaatkanku. Tapi, entah mengapa aku melakukan itu. Aku merasa diamnya Tuhan karena meninggalkanku yang berdosa ini. 

Pada masa aku bertobat saat ini, aku tidak terkapar lagi. Aku berdoa kepada-Nya dan aku membiarkan diriku mendengar suara-Nya melalui pembacaan renungan, kadang-kadang misa harian, dan misa Minggu. Algoritma TikTok-ku juga kuatur agar selalu ada kesaksian dan ayat Alkitab berseliweran.

Kemudian, aku membaca kesaksian teman-temanku di Instagram. Aku mendapat kekuatan dari situ. Aku mencari suara-Nya dan Dia kutemukan. Dia kutemukan dalam firman-Nya. Aku selalu menemukan kalimat,

“Berdoalah, sampai engkau melihat yang kau doakan.”

Maka, aku selalu berdoa agar dikuduskan hati, pikiran, dan mataku. Aku selalu berdoa agar dikuduskan dengan Tuanku itu.

Aku juga seringkali membaca ayat ini:

Yesaya 41:10 (TB)
“Jangan takut, sebab Aku menyertai engkau,
jangan bimbang, sebab Aku ini Allahmu;
Aku akan meneguhkan, bahkan akan menolong engkau;
Aku akan memegang engkau dengan tangan kanan-Ku yang membawa kemenangan.”

Entah kenapa saya percaya diam-Nya karena sedang mengerjakan sesuatu. Meskipun, saya tidak melihat sesuatu apa pun.

Aku tidak tahu bagaimana pengharapanku pada Allah selain daripada mendoakan hubungan ini terus menerus—meskipun kadang bosan mendoakannya. Namun, aku banyak mengikuti kegiatan bermanfaat sambil menunggu. Aku mengikuti kursus menyanyi. Aku mengikuti kursus Kitab Suci. Aku bergabung dengan Legio Maria dan pelayanan paduan suara.

Teman-teman, kita harus belajar positif terhadap Allah. Kita perlu belajar berpandangan bahwa keheningan Allah adalah menyelamatkan kita dari keputusan yang salah.

Saat ini, saya rindu akan perkawinan. Tetapi saya ini rupanya masih membawa luka masa lalu yang sangat dalam. Oleh sebab itu, rusaknya relasi persahabatan masih lebih baik daripada rusaknya relasi dalam rumah tangga—apalagi kekristenan melarang perceraian.

Aku masih percaya bahwa Allah itu baik dan setia. Aku masih percaya bahwa rancangan-Nya membawa keselamatan bagiku. Namun, aku sedang merenungkan: masihkah Tuan ada dalam rancangan agung-Nya Allah atau tidak?

Aku bersedia berjalan dalam iman yang kecil ini, meski aku tidak bisa melihat apa-apa di depan sana. Karena aku percaya bahwa Allah hadir dalam kehidupanku.

Kurasa momen keheningan Allah juga merupakan ujian bagi imanku untuk menumbuhkan kesetiaan, kelemahlembutan, dan penguasaan diri. Agar aku semakin kudus di hadapan Allah.

 Damai Kristus menyertaimu. 

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

I have recently realized that the depression I suffer is not merely a mental illness, but a response to the silence of God.

Henry Blackaby, as quoted by Philip Yancey in his book Doa, once said:

"You can respond to God's silence in two ways. One response is to fall into depression, guilt, and self-condemnation. The other is to hope that God will lead you to a deeper knowledge of Himself."

What I felt in the face of God's silence was disappointment. I was disappointed because I had certain expectations about a situation. When those expectations were not met, I blamed myself. I analyzed and introspected, looking for the fault within me. Because of my faults, I assumed I was unworthy of that grace.

I saw myself as someone rejected by God—because I had not cared for or stewarded His grace well. That’s how I felt when my relationship with Tuan fell apart. I only learned to hope at the age of 30, even though I still did not believe that God would grant me what I hoped for.

This is not the first time I’ve encountered God’s silence in the matter of a broken relationship. In the past, I drowned myself in alcohol and cigarettes. Perhaps now is my season of repentance—to know God’s love more deeply, without intoxication and smoke, in the wake of losing someone I loved.

As someone living with depression, I’ve come to learn the difference between “God’s silence because He has left us” and “God’s silence because He is working on something.”

In my past sinful life, I felt utterly collapsed. My chest was heavy like carrying a stone. I shouted and threw tantrums at God, but I heard nothing. That was because I didn’t allow Him to speak through His Word. I went to church once, then returned to drinking, smoking, and seeking men who offered no love—only exploitation. Yet I didn’t know why I kept doing it. I felt like God was silent because He had abandoned me in my sin.

Now, in this season of repentance, I am no longer collapsed. I pray to Him, and I allow myself to hear His voice through devotionals, occasional daily Mass, and weekly Sunday Mass. I even curated my TikTok algorithm to fill my feed with testimonies and Bible verses.

I also read testimonies from my friends on Instagram. I find strength there. I seek His voice, and I find Him. I find Him in His Word. I often come across this phrase:

"Pray until you see what you are praying for."

And so, I always pray for the purification of my heart, my thoughts, and my eyes. I pray to be sanctified with Tuan.

I also often return to this verse:

Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
“So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Somehow, I believe that His silence means He is working on something—even though I cannot see anything yet.

I don't know how else to hope in God other than to keep praying for this relationship—though I sometimes grow weary of praying. Still, I keep myself occupied with meaningful activities while I wait. I attend vocal lessons. I take part in Bible study. I joined the Legion of Mary and serve in the church choir.

Friends, we must learn to think positively of God. We must learn to believe that God's silence may actually be saving us from making the wrong decision.

At this moment, I long for marriage. But I realize that I still carry wounds from the past—deep ones. That’s why I believe a broken friendship is better than a broken marriage, especially since Christianity forbids divorce.

I still believe that God is good and faithful. I still believe His plans are for my salvation. However, I’m currently reflecting: Is Tuan still part of God’s divine plan for me—or not?

I am willing to walk in this small faith, even if I see nothing ahead. Because I believe God is present in my life.

I believe that this moment of God's silence is a test of my faith—to grow in faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. So that I may be ever more holy before Him.

Peace of Christ be with you.

Mengapa Tuhan Mengeraskan Hati Firaun? (Why Did God Harden Pharaoh’s Heart?)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus

Bagaimana kabarmu, teman-teman?

Aku harap teman-teman dalam keadaan sukacita.

Aku merenungkan sebuah pertanyaan yang bersumber dari Keluaran 4:21,

Firman TUHAN kepada Musa:
"Pada waktu engkau hendak kembali ini ke Mesir, ingatlah, supaya segala mujizat yang telah Kuserahkan ke dalam tanganmu, kauperbuat di depan Firaun. Tetapi Aku akan mengeraskan hatinya, sehingga ia tidak membiarkan bangsa itu pergi."

"Mengapa Tuhan menghukum Mesir, apabila hati Firaun Tuhan sendiri yang keraskan?"

Aku bertanya pada teman-teman, aku mencari di komentar Kitab Suci Katolik maupun Protestan, tapi tidak ada jawaban yang memuaskanku.

Aku pun semakin mencari jawaban setelah aku menemukan ayat lain yang konteksnya sama dengan perenunganku, yaitu Keluaran 7:3-4:

7:3 Tetapi Aku akan mengeraskan hati Firaun, dan Aku akan memperbanyak tanda-tanda dan mujizat-mujizat yang Kubuat di tanah Mesir.
7:4 Bilamana Firaun tidak mendengarkan kamu, maka Aku akan mendatangkan tangan-Ku kepada Mesir dan mengeluarkan pasukan-Ku, umat-Ku, orang Israel, dari tanah Mesir dengan hukuman-hukuman yang berat.

Namun, aku masih tetap percaya pada Tuhan. Tidak sedikitpun luntur kepercayaanku yang saat ini ada hanya karena hal ini.

Lalu, aku menemukan komentar Ramban terkait hal ini. Aku merasa puas dengan jawaban ini.

AND I WILL HARDEN PHARAOH’S HEART.
The Rabbis said in Midrash Rabbah: “G-d revealed to Moses that He was destined to harden Pharaoh’s heart in order to bring judgment upon him for he caused them to work in cruel bondage.”
It is also stated there [in Midrash Rabbah]: “For I have hardened his heart.” Rabbi Yochanan said, “This provides a pretext for the heretics to say that G-d did not allow Pharaoh to repent.” Rabbi Shimon ben Lakish said, “The mouths of the heretics be closed! Only, if it concerneth the scorners, He scorneth them. When He warns one on three occasions and he does not turn from his ways, He closes the door of repentance on him in order to punish him for his sin. Such was the case with wicked Pharaoh.
After the Holy One, blessed be He, sent him five times [the request to let His people go] and he paid no attention to His words, the Holy One, blessed be He, said to him: You have stiffened your neck and hardened your heart; I will double your defilement.”

The Rabbis [in the above Midrash] have thus discussed the question which all ask: “If G-d hardened his heart, what then was Pharaoh’s sin?” For this there are two explanations, and both of them are true.

1. Pharaoh, in his wickedness, had unjustifiably perpetrated such great evils against Israel that justice required that the ways of repentance be withheld from him, as is so indicated in many places in the Torah and in the Writings. He was judged according to his wickedness which he had originally committed of his own will.

2. Half of the plagues came upon him because of his transgressions, for in connection with them it is only said: And Pharaoh’s heart was hardened; And Pharaoh hardened his heart. Thus Pharaoh refused to let the children of Israel go for the glory of G-d. But when the plagues began bearing down upon him and he became weary to suffer them, his heart softened and he bethought himself to send them out on account of the onslaught of the plagues, not in order to do the will of his Creator. Then G-d hardened his spirit and made his heart obstinate, so that His name may be declared [throughout all the earth]. Similar in meaning is the verse, Thus will I magnify Myself…

Before the plagues, And I will harden his heart, and he will not let the people go, was merely His warning to Moses of what He was destined to do to Pharaoh in the last five plagues, it being similar to that which He said, And I know that the king of Egypt will not give you leave to go.
This then is the meaning of the verse [before us], And I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and multiply My signs. That is to say, “I will harden his heart so that My wonders may be multiplied in the land of Egypt,” since in the last five plagues, as well as at the drowning in the sea, it is said, And the Eternal hardened the heart of Pharaoh, for “the king’s heart is in the hand of the Eternal; He turneth it whithersoever He will.”

---

Hal yang perlu kita lakukan adalah kita perlu membedakan mana dosa Firaun dan mana hati Firaun yang dikeraskan Tuhan.

Kita dapat melihat dalam Keluaran 1 bagaimana orang Israel ditindas di Mesir dan bayi-bayi laki-laki diperintahkan untuk dibunuh. Itulah dosa Firaun.

Tetapi, pada saat Firaun menolak bangsa Israel untuk keluar pergi beribadah dari Mesir. Ini rangkaian karya Allah untuk menunjukkan mukjizatNya di tanah Mesir.

Lalu, apabila kekerasan hati Firaun itu Allah yang buat, apakah ada kemungkinan Firaun lebih memilih lunak hatinya? Apakah ada kemungkinan kita bisa lunak hatinya meski Allah merancangkan kita sebagai keras hati?

Ya, ada kemungkinan Firaun bisa saja lunak hati, termasuk kita.
Karena, setiap kita diberkahi kehendak bebas yang mana Allah menghormati kehendak bebas kita.

Sekian perenungan hari ini. 

Damai Kristus menyertai 

In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit

How are you, dear friends?

I hope you are all in joy and peace.

I’ve been reflecting on a question that comes from Exodus 4:21:

The LORD said to Moses,
“When you return to Egypt, see that you perform before Pharaoh all the wonders I have put in your hand.
But I will harden his heart so that he will not let the people go.”

"Why would God punish Egypt, if it was God Himself who hardened Pharaoh’s heart?"

I asked this to some friends. I searched for answers in both Catholic and Protestant Bible commentaries, but none of them satisfied me.

I continued my search for an answer, especially after I found another passage with the same context that deepened my reflection: Exodus 7:3–4:

7:3 But I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and I will multiply My signs and wonders in the land of Egypt.
7:4 Yet Pharaoh will not listen to you. Then I will lay My hand on Egypt and bring out My armies, My people the Israelites, from the land of Egypt by great acts of judgment.

Still, I continue to believe in God. My faith has not diminished in the slightest, even as I wrestle with this question.

Then, I found Ramban’s commentary on this. And I finally felt at peace with his answer.

---

AND I WILL HARDEN PHARAOH’S HEART.

The Rabbis said in Midrash Rabbah:
“God revealed to Moses that He was destined to harden Pharaoh’s heart in order to bring judgment upon him, for he caused them to work in cruel bondage.”
It is also stated there: “For I have hardened his heart.”

Rabbi Yochanan said,
“This provides a pretext for the heretics to say that God did not allow Pharaoh to repent.”

Rabbi Shimon ben Lakish said,
“Let the mouths of the heretics be shut! Only, if it concerns the scorners, He scorns them.
When He warns someone three times and they do not turn from their ways, He closes the door of repentance upon them, in order to punish them for their sin.
Such was the case with wicked Pharaoh.

After the Holy One, blessed be He, sent him five times [the request to let His people go], and he paid no attention to His words, the Holy One said to him:
You have stiffened your neck and hardened your heart; I will double your defilement.”

The Rabbis in the above Midrash addressed the question everyone asks:
“If God hardened Pharaoh’s heart, then what was Pharaoh’s sin?”

There are two explanations, and both are true.

First, Pharaoh—out of his own wickedness—had committed great injustices against Israel. Divine justice demanded that the path of repentance be closed off from him.
This is affirmed in many parts of the Torah and the Writings.
He was judged according to the evil he originally committed by his own will.

Second, half of the plagues were brought upon him because of his transgressions.
About these, Scripture says: “Pharaoh’s heart was hardened” and “Pharaoh hardened his heart.”

Pharaoh refused to let Israel go—not to honor God—but only to relieve the pressure from the plagues.
When the plagues pressed upon him and he grew weary, his heart softened and he thought to release them—not to do the will of his Creator, but to end his suffering.

So then, God hardened his spirit and made his heart obstinate,
so that His name might be proclaimed throughout all the earth.
This is similar to the verse: “Thus will I magnify Myself…”

Before the plagues, “I will harden his heart, and he will not let the people go,” was merely a warning to Moses about what God would do to Pharaoh during the last five plagues.
It echoes another verse: “I know that the king of Egypt will not let you go.”

Thus, the meaning of the verse before us, “I will harden Pharaoh’s heart and multiply My signs,”
is this:
“I will harden his heart so that My wonders may be multiplied in the land of Egypt.”
Indeed, in the last five plagues, and even during the drowning in the sea, it is written:
“The LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh,”
for “the king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wills.”

---

What we must do is learn to distinguish between what was Pharaoh’s sin, and what was Pharaoh’s heart hardened by God.

We can look back to Exodus 1, where the Israelites were oppressed in Egypt, and their baby boys were ordered to be killed. That was Pharaoh’s sin.

But when Pharaoh refused to let Israel go and worship in the wilderness,
that was God’s work—to display His wonders in Egypt.

Now, if Pharaoh’s hardened heart was caused by God,
could there still have been a possibility for Pharaoh to choose to soften his heart?
Could we also soften our hearts even if God intended otherwise?

Yes, there was still a possibility.
Pharaoh could have chosen a softened heart, just like we can.
Because each of us has been given the gift of free will,
and God honors that freedom.

---

That is all for today’s reflection.

May the peace of Christ be with you. ✨

Ketika Hidup Terasa Pahit: Sebuah Renungan dari Ibrani 12:15 (When Life Feels Bitter: A Reflection from Hebrews 12:15)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus

Bagaimana kabar teman-teman?

Aku berharap teman-teman sedang merasa sukacita.

Atau adakah yang sedang merasa pahit hidupnya?

Jika teman-teman ada yang merasa pahit hidupnya, maka tulisan ini cocok untuk teman-teman.

Aku juga pernah merasa pahit hidupnya.

Sejak kecil, aku sering melihat ayah dan ibuku bertengkar hingga KDRT. Aku dibully banci kaleng dan bencong oleh teman-temanku. Padahal, aku perempuan tulen. Aku tidak mengerti alasannya. Aku tumbuh dengan perasaan iri hati melihat adikku lebih disayang oleh ayahku. Selain itu, aku tumbuh dengan luka pelecehan seksual. Saat dewasa, aku haus akan penerimaan dan kasih sayang.

Semua pengalaman itu menjadikanku seorang perempuan yang penakut. Selain itu, aku menjadi perempuan yang mudah marah-marah. Aku merasa disepelekan. Aku merasa menyendiri. Aku merasa geram. Aku merasa memberontak. Aku merasa kecewa. Aku merasa malu, sangat malu. Aku merasa penuh penyesalan. Aku menjadi perempuan yang mudah menghakimi dan memandang rendah sekitarku. Aku sangat beracun.

---

Suatu ketika, aku membaca ayat ini:

Ibrani 12:15
"Jagalah supaya jangan ada seorang pun menjauhkan diri dari kasih karunia Allah, agar jangan tumbuh akar yang pahit yang menimbulkan kerusuhan dan yang mencemarkan banyak orang."

Lalu, aku membaca penjelasan dalam A Catholic Commentary on Holy Scripture – Hebrews 12:14–24:

15. Charity has an ‘episcopal’ eye; its overseership must ensure that no one defaults from the grace of God, and that no bitter root of poisonous influence causes disturbance resulting in the defilement of the many.

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Dari ayat ini aku menyadari alasan diriku menjadi sangat racun, yaitu:

• Ketiadaan kasih karunia Allah yang mengawasi
  

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Apa itu kasih karunia?

Dalam Katekismus Gereja Katolik (KGK) dijelaskan sebagai berikut:

KGK 1996
"Our justification comes from the grace of God. Grace is favor, the free and undeserved help that God gives us to respond to his call to become children of God, adoptive sons, partakers of the divine nature and of eternal life."

KGK 1997
"Grace is a participation in the life of God. It introduces us into the intimacy of Trinitarian life: by Baptism the Christian participates in the grace of Christ, the Head of his Body. As an 'adopted son' he can henceforth call God 'Father,' in union with the only Son. He receives the life of the Spirit who breathes charity into him and who forms the Church."

Intinya, kita mendapat pertolongan yang tidak layak kita terima untuk menjadi anak-Nya melalui Kristus sejak baptisan.

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Apa korelasinya antara luka batinku dengan panggilan sebagai anak Allah?

Ada korelasinya.

Kalau seseorang sadar bahwa ia dalam Kristus sudah dipanggil sebagai anak Allah, ia akan dengan bebas datang kepada Bapa membawa seluruh luka batinnya untuk dipulihkan. Ia tidak harus bergumul sendirian dan bingung cara meregulasi emosi yang besar itu.

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Apakah benar kita bergumul sendirian?

Benarkah Bapa tidak hadir di sana meski kita belum mengenal hal yang sudah menjadi rahmat atau kasih karunia kita?

Saya yakin Bapa ada di sana.

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Yesaya 43:2

"Apabila engkau menyeberang melalui air, Aku akan menyertai engkau, atau melalui sungai-sungai, engkau tidak akan dihanyutkan; apabila engkau berjalan melalui api, engkau tidak akan dihanguskan, dan nyala api tidak akan membakar engkau."

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Tuhan tidak pernah jauh, bahkan ketika kita merasa ditinggalkan.
Mungkin kita sedang belajar bahwa dalam luka terdalam, justru di situlah kasih karunia-Nya ingin menjemput kita pulang.

Damai Kristus menyertai. 

Amin. 

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

How are you, friends?

I hope you are feeling joyful.

But is there anyone who feels that life has been bitter?

If you are someone who feels the bitterness of life, then this writing is for you.

I, too, have experienced the bitterness of life.

Since childhood, I often saw my father and mother fight, even to the point of domestic violence. I was bullied—called names like “tin can sissy” and “tranny” by my friends. And yet, I am fully a woman. I never understood why. I grew up with jealousy toward my younger sibling, who was more loved by my father. I also carried wounds of sexual abuse. As I grew older, I became desperate for acceptance and love.

All of these experiences turned me into a fearful woman. I also became someone who often lashed out in anger. I felt belittled. I felt alone. I felt furious. I felt rebellious. I felt disappointed. I felt ashamed—deeply ashamed. I was full of regret. I became someone who easily judged and looked down on others. I became deeply toxic.

Then one day, I read this verse:

Hebrews 12:15
"See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."

Then I came across this explanation in A Catholic Commentary on Holy Scripture – Hebrews 12:14–24:

15. Charity has an ‘episcopal’ eye; its overseership must ensure that no one defaults from the grace of God, and that no bitter root of poisonous influence causes disturbance resulting in the defilement of the many.

From this verse, I realized the reason I had become so toxic:

The absence of God’s overseeing grace

 

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What is grace?

The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) explains it as follows:

CCC 1996
"Our justification comes from the grace of God. Grace is favor, the free and undeserved help that God gives us to respond to his call to become children of God, adoptive sons, partakers of the divine nature and of eternal life."

CCC 1997
"Grace is a participation in the life of God. It introduces us into the intimacy of Trinitarian life: by Baptism the Christian participates in the grace of Christ, the Head of his Body. As an 'adopted son' he can henceforth call God 'Father,' in union with the only Son. He receives the life of the Spirit who breathes charity into him and who forms the Church."

In essence, grace is the undeserved help we receive to become His children through Christ, beginning from our baptism.

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What is the correlation between my inner wounds and my calling as a child of God?

There is a strong correlation.

When someone becomes aware that in Christ they have been called to be a child of God, they will freely come to the Father, bringing all their inner wounds to be healed. They don’t have to struggle alone or be confused about how to regulate those overwhelming emotions.

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Are we truly struggling alone?

Is it true that the Father is absent—even if we haven’t yet recognized the grace that has already been given to us?

I believe the Father is there.

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Isaiah 43:2

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you."

God is never far, even when we feel abandoned.
Perhaps we are learning that in our deepest wounds, it is precisely there that His grace longs to come and find us.

Peace of Christ be with you.

Amen.

Saat Gereja Tak Menyelesaikan Masalah (When Church Doesn’t Fix Everything)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus

Semoga tulisan ini dapat mengajak kita untuk datang beribadah kepadaNya.

Suatu hari, saya menemukan komentar di Instagram seperti ini:

"Kalau ke gereja ternyata gak menyelesaikan problem hidup, lalu ke gereja buat apa?"

Saya terpanggil untuk merenungkannya juga.
Apakah teman-teman juga terpanggil untuk merenungkannya?

Jika iya, maka tulisan ini untuk teman-teman.

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Ada banyak ayat-ayat dalam Alkitab yang mengajak kita untuk datang beribadah kepada Tuhan. Salah satunya adalah Ibrani 10:25. Secara kontekstual, ayat ini menjelaskan tentang ketekunan atau keteguhan iman kita.

Ibrani 10:25
Janganlah kita menjauhkan diri dari pertemuan-pertemuan ibadah kita, seperti dibiasakan oleh beberapa orang, tetapi marilah kita saling menasihati, dan semakin giat melakukannya menjelang hari Tuhan yang mendekat.

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A Catholic Commentary on Holy Scripture – Hebrews 10:19–25
Teks Asli (Inggris):

§ b 10:19–26 Steadfastness — ‘Unwavering confidence rooted in faith and working in charity’ is the watchword.
20. Christ is the inaugurator of the newly opened way to the Sanctuary through the veil of his flesh, and since he is also High Priest over the House of God, he inspires the boldness of our confidence.
22–24. Sincerity, fullness of faith, the sprinkling and washing that come from repentance and baptism give the conscience freedom of access. ‘Let us approach ... let us hold fast ... let us consider each other’ are the three exhortatives which urge the practice of the three divine virtues. Hope particularly is founded on the fidelity of God to his promises, and charity must be social.
25. The necessity of ‘provoking’ charity, of frequenting liturgical gatherings, of mutual exhortation is all the greater ‘as you see the day approaching’. The Parousia is meant, but the judgment on Jerusalem (five years hence) is probably included.

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Berdasarkan tulisan tersebut, ketika kita menggunakan kebebasan hidup kita untuk datang beribadah merupakan wujud dari Kasih kita kepada Tuhan yang berakar dari iman kita kepada Tuhan. Ketika kita datang beribadah dan bertemu dengan sesama jemaat, di sana ada rasa ketersalingan kasih.

Hanya saja, saya harus akui kebanyakan dari kita, termasuk saya, apabila selesai beribadah di gereja, bukannya berjemaat, justru langsung pulang. Kita tidak memberi waktu untuk berbicara dengan jemaat yang lain. Ada banyak individualitas di dalam gereja. Saya akui kelemahan saya dalam hal ini.

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Tetapi, ada gak kaitannya datang ke gereja dengan beresnya problematika hidup?

Saya pribadi tidak merasa problematika hidup saya selesai dengan datang ke gereja. Karena, ketika saya datang ke gereja, saya akan tertegur dengan dosa-dosa saya, bukan cara menyelesaikan problematika saya.

Dalam benak saya, beres atau tidaknya problematika kita itu bergantung dengan relasi pribadi kita dengan Tuhan.

Dalam relasi pribadi kita dengan Tuhan, kita diberi kelegaan dan ketenangan di sana (bdk. Matius 11:28). Kita menyadari bahwa Tuhan akan menolong kita untuk tidak tenggelam dalam problematika kehidupan dan menenangkan badai kehidupan kita (bdk. Matius 14:22–33; Matius 8:23–27). Selain itu, Allah juga berjanji menyertai sampai akhir zaman (bdk. Matius 28:20).

---

Jujur, saya juga merindukan problematika saya usai.
Saya sembuh dari sakit-penyakit saya.
Saya rindu berekonsiliasi dengan Tuan.
Saya rindu bisa deal dengan seluruh trauma saya dan hidup dalam sukacita.

Dulu, saya juga sempat langkah kaki saya terhenti untuk ke gereja, bahkan intensitas berdoa dan baca Alkitab saya mengendor. Saya merasa menjauh dari Tuhan. Tapi, itulah dinamika manusia dengan segala keberdosaannya, meskipun kita sudah aktif melayani.

---

Apakah rencana indah Tuhan selalu berwujud “sembuh dari sakit penyakit”, “rekonsiliasi dengan Tuan”, dan “deal dengan trauma”?

Saya berharap rencana indah itu berwujud 3 hal tersebut,
tapi kalau misalnya tidak, saya harap langkah saya tidak terhenti untuk tetap percaya kepada Allah Tritunggal.

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Bagaimana denganmu?


Kiranya damai Kristus menyertai akhir minggu kita. 

Amin.

In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit

May this reflection encourage us to come and worship Him.

One day, I came across a comment on Instagram that said:

"If going to church doesn’t solve life’s problems, then what’s the point of going to church?"

I felt called to reflect on it.
Do you, dear friends, also feel called to reflect on it?

If yes, then this reflection is for you.

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There are many verses in the Bible that invite us to come and worship the Lord. One of them is Hebrews 10:25. Contextually, this verse speaks about perseverance and steadfastness in our faith.

Hebrews 10:25
Do not neglect to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

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A Catholic Commentary on Holy Scripture – Hebrews 10:19–25
(Excerpt in original English):

§ b 10:19–26 Steadfastness — “Unwavering confidence rooted in faith and working in charity” is the watchword.
20. Christ is the inaugurator of the newly opened way to the Sanctuary through the veil of His flesh, and since He is also High Priest over the House of God, He inspires the boldness of our confidence.
22–24. Sincerity, fullness of faith, the sprinkling and washing that come from repentance and baptism give the conscience freedom of access. “Let us approach … let us hold fast … let us consider each other” are the three exhortatives which urge the practice of the three divine virtues. Hope particularly is founded on the fidelity of God to His promises, and charity must be social.
25. The necessity of “provoking” charity, of frequenting liturgical gatherings, of mutual exhortation is all the greater “as you see the Day approaching.” The Parousia is meant, but the judgment on Jerusalem (five years hence) is probably included.

---

Based on this commentary, using our life’s freedom to come to worship is an act of love toward God, rooted in our faith in Him. When we worship and meet fellow believers, there is a sense of mutual love among us.

However, I must admit that many of us—including myself—often leave immediately after church instead of staying to fellowship. We don’t take time to speak with others in the congregation. There’s a lot of individualism within the church. I acknowledge my own weakness in this.

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But does going to church have anything to do with solving our life’s problems?

Personally, I don’t think my problems are solved by going to church. Because when I go to church, I’m confronted by my sins—not necessarily given steps to fix my life’s situations.

In my understanding, whether our problems are resolved or not depends on our personal relationship with God.

In that relationship, we are given rest and peace (cf. Matthew 11:28).
We come to know that God helps us not to sink into life’s problems and calms the storms in our lives (cf. Matthew 14:22–33; Matthew 8:23–27).
Moreover, He has promised to be with us always, until the end of the age (cf. Matthew 28:20).

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Truthfully, I also long for my problems to be resolved.
I long to be healed from my illnesses.
I long to be reconciled with Tuan.
I long to face all my traumas and live in joy.

There was a time when my steps to church halted, and my prayer and Bible-reading life faded. I felt distant from God. But that is the reality of being human in our sinfulness—even when we are actively serving in ministry.

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Does God’s beautiful plan always look like “healing from illness,” “reconciliation with Tuan,” and “resolving trauma”?

I hope His beautiful plan includes those three things.
But even if it doesn’t, I pray that my steps will never stop trusting in the Triune God.

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What about you?

May the peace of Christ be with you this weekend.

Amen.

Careless, Then Whispering Regret

Hello Guys,

Semoga tulisan ini dapat memeluk kesalahan kita terhadap orang yang kita cintai.

Teman-teman, pasti sering dengar intro lagu George Michael – Careless Whisper. Dulu, waktu kita kecil, kita hanya tahu alunan trompet (atau saxophone, ya?) yang sangat indah. Namun, ketika kita dewasa, kita memahami liriknya—dan hancur pelan-pelan di dalamnya.

Apakah teman-teman pernah melakukan kesalahan dan pengkhianatan?

Jika pernah, kita sudah seharusnya merasa bersalah dan bertobat.

Saat ini, saya merasakan bersalah karena telah mengkhianati kepercayaan sahabat saya, Tuan. Kami sudah bersepakat bahwa tidak ada teman laki-laki lain, tapi saya tetap menghadirkan teman laki-laki lain karena saya ingin mengetahui ambang batas amarahnya. Saya takut dengan kekerasan, tapi betapa bodohnya saya yang justru mengkhianati kepercayaannya.

Saat itu, saya merasa tidak bersalah karena, toh, kita semua berteman. Hal yang luput dari kesadaran saya ialah: saya sudah berjanji untuk tidak menghadirkan teman laki-laki lain. Oleh sebab itu, saat saya mendengar lagu ini, saya merasa terpuruk. Karena saya menyia-nyiakan kesempatan yang telah ia beri pada saya. Hal ini yang membuat saya careless.

I'm never gonna dance again
Guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool
I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste the chance that I'd been given
So I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you, oh

Saya menyadari bahwa tidak ada hal yang bisa menghapus kesalahan. Saya pun tidak pernah berdoa agar waktu bisa diputar. Namun, saya memutuskan untuk cut off beberapa pertemanan dengan para lelaki. Saya membatasi beberapa teman laki-laki. Saya memutuskan untuk selibat, apabila dia tidak kembali lagi. Karena, menurut penilaian saya atas pengalaman tersebut, janji pertemanan saja tidak bisa saya penuhi—apalagi janji perkawinan.

Saya harap keputusan ini mampu menebus diri saya sendiri, meskipun Kristus-lah yang sesungguhnya menebus saya.

Namun, Tuhan hadir dalam hubungan ini. Saya dikasih kesempatan tiga kali untuk memperbaiki hubungan ini olehnya—dan gagal semua. Saya kalah dengan luka saya sendiri. Dia pun terluka dengan lukanya sendiri.

Tapi saya mengernyitkan dahi ketika mendengar lirik outro-nya:

(Now that you're gone)
Was what I did so wrong, so wrong
That you had to leave me alone?

Pencipta lagu masih mempertanyakan: sebegitu besarkah kesalahannya, sehingga dia ditinggalkan? Padahal, dia sudah berbuat curang.

Mengapa ya... kami dipertemukan hanya untuk saling melukai?


Have a nice day!

Hello Guys,

I hope this writing can embrace the mistakes we've made toward those we love.

Friends, you must be familiar with the intro of George Michael – Careless Whisper. Back when we were kids, we only knew the beautiful sound of the trumpet (or was it saxophone?). But as we grow older, we start to understand the lyrics—and slowly fall apart inside.

Have you ever made a mistake or betrayed someone?

If you have, then we should truly feel guilty and repent.

Right now, I feel guilty because I betrayed the trust of my close friend, Tuan. We had an agreement: no other male friends. But I still brought other male friends into the picture—because I wanted to test the limits of his anger. I was afraid of violence, yet how foolish of me to betray his trust like that.

At the time, I didn’t feel guilty, because, well, we were all just friends. But what I failed to realize was that I had made a promise—not to bring other men into our space. That’s why, when I heard this song again, I felt crushed. Because I had wasted the chance he had given me. That’s what made me careless.

I'm never gonna dance again
Guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool
I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste the chance that I'd been given
So I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you, oh

I realized that nothing can erase what I’ve done. I never even prayed for time to rewind. But, I decided to cut off some friendships with men. I've set boundaries with a few male friends.. I chose to stay celibate, in case he never comes back—because based on this experience, if I can’t keep a friendship promise, how could I ever keep a marriage vow?

I hope this decision helps redeem myself—although Christ is the one who truly redeems me.

Still, God was present in this relationship. He gave me three chances to fix it—and I failed all three. I lost to my own wounds. He was wounded by his own, too.

But I frowned when I heard the outro lyrics:

(Now that you're gone)
Was what I did so wrong, so wrong
That you had to leave me alone?

The songwriter still questions: Was my mistake that terrible, that you had to leave me? Even though he had already cheated.

Why were we brought together... only to hurt each other?

Have a nice day!