Batu di Dalam Hati: Saat Rasa Bersalah Membutuhkan Pengampunan (The Stone in My Heart: When Guilt Needs Forgiveness)

Versi Blog (Bahasa Indonesia)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, Putra, dan Roh Kudus.

Semoga tulisan ini mampu memelukmu dan memberikan kekuatan.

Pernahkah teman-teman merasa seolah sedang membawa sebuah batu besar di dalam hati? Berat. Sesak. Tak terlihat, tetapi terasa setiap hari.

Jika teman-teman pernah merasakannya, maka tulisan ini untukmu. Perasaan itu bernama rasa bersalah dan penyesalan.

Aku pun pernah mengalaminya.

Saat aku kelas 2 atau 3 SD, ibuku memintaku menjaga dan mengasuh adikku karena orangtua harus bekerja. Tapi adikku susah makan. Ia GTM. Aku kecil yang belum matang secara emosi merasa frustrasi. Marah. Kesal. Dan akhirnya, aku menginjak adikku. Ia menangis. Aku sadar itu salah, tapi aku hanya diam, membawa batu besar itu dalam diamku yang bertahun-tahun.

Batu itu ikut tumbuh bersamaku. Ia menyelinap dalam tawa dan diamku. Ia berbisik saat aku merenung. Sampai suatu hari di tahun 2018, aku membaca satu ayat di IGNITE GKI yang membuatku berhenti:

> “Marilah kepada-Ku, semua yang letih lesu dan berbeban berat, Aku akan memberi kelegaan kepadamu.”

— Matius 11:28

Aku menangis. Lalu aku datang kepada Tuhan. Aku mengaku dosaku. Tidak hanya kepada-Nya, tapi juga kepada ibuku. Aku memberanikan diri berkata bahwa aku pernah menginjak adikku karena kesal.

Apakah aku dimarahi?

Tidak. Ibuku justru memelukku dan mengampuniku

Teman-teman, mungkin kalian juga membawa batu yang serupa. Takut akan penghakiman. Terbebani oleh rasa bersalah. Tidak paham mengapa dulu bisa kehilangan kendali. Itu tetaplah kesalahan—tetapi Allah di dalam Kristus adalah Allah yang setia dan adil. Datanglah. Akuilah kepada-Nya. Akuilah kepada orangtua, atau orang yang pernah kita lukai.

Mungkin manusia tidak selalu mudah memberi pengampunan. Tapi, hari ini, izinkan aku mengatakannya kepadamu:

Aku mengampunimu. Karena ibuku pernah mengampuniku.

Dan jangan lupa—ampunilah dirimu sendiri. Aku pun sedang belajar melakukannya.

Kiranya damai Kristus menyertai kita dalam proses ini. Langkah demi langkah. Hari demi hari.

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English Version 

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

May this writing embrace you and give you strength.

Have you ever felt as if you were carrying a heavy stone inside your heart? Something unseen, yet unbearably heavy?

If you have, then this writing is for you. That feeling is called guilt and regret.

I’ve felt it too.

When I was in second or third grade, my mother asked me to care for my younger sibling while she and my father were at work. But my sibling was a picky eater—refusing to eat anything. I was young, emotionally immature, and I became frustrated. Angry. Overwhelmed. In that moment, I stepped on my sibling out of rage. He cried. I knew it was wrong, but I stayed silent. And I carried that heavy stone of guilt with me for years.

It grew with me. It whispered in moments of quiet. It weighed down my joy. Until one day in 2018, I read a Bible verse on IGNITE GKI that stopped me in my tracks:

> “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

— Matthew 11:28

I wept. Then I came to God. I confessed my sin—not only to Him, but also to my mother. I gathered the courage to say that I had once hurt my sibling in a moment of anger.

Did she get angry?

No. My mother embraced me and forgave me.

My dear friends, maybe you too are carrying a stone like mine. Afraid of judgment. Drowning in guilt and regret. Confused about why you once lost control. Yes, it was wrong—but the God we know in Christ is faithful and just. Come to Him. Confess to Him. Confess to your parents, or to those you have hurt.

People may not always forgive easily. But today, allow me to say this to you:

I forgive you. Because my mother once forgave me.

And please—do not forget to forgive yourself. I’m learning to do the same.

May the peace of Christ be with us as we walk through the process. Step by step. Day by day.

*This piece was co-written with ChatGPT.