Salam dalam nama Bapa, Putra, dan Roh Kudus.
Pernahkah kamu merasa bodoh sekali di hadapan Tuhan?
Aku pernah. Dan aku ingin jujur bercerita di sini—bukan untuk mengangkat diriku, tapi untuk menunjukkan betapa baiknya Tuhan kita.
Awal dari Kebodohan Itu
Suatu hari, aku menyimpan benci kepada seseorang—sebut saja Tuan. Semua berawal karena aku merasa kesaksianku di Instagram tidak diterima. Ia tidak pernah berkata langsung, tapi aku merasa tersindir lewat postingan temannya.
Padahal, aku bersaksi dengan maksud untuk kemuliaan Tuhan, terinspirasi dari renungan harian. Tapi aku memang menyeret kisah tentang Tuan, sehingga akhirnya kesaksianku bercampur dengan perasaanku sendiri.
Dari sana, aku memilih benci. Aku berkata kepada Tuhan bahwa aku ingin “bertengkar” dengan-Nya. Aku menolak mengambil Perjamuan Kudus. Aku sengaja tidak mau mengampuni Tuan—dengan harapan Tuhan juga tidak mengampuni aku, supaya aku bisa masuk neraka. Bayangkan, sebodoh itu aku!
Puncaknya: Waham dan Pengakuan di Publik
Aku baru sadar bahwa kesaksianku keliru setelah aku menyadari bahwa kesaksianku itu dibawah waham. Aku punya waham bahwa sosok “X” adalah lambang setan. Suatu malam, aku bermimpi X akan mengadukan seluruh dosaku kepada keluarga. Karena takut, aku pun mengaku dosa di hadapan publik lewat kesaksian.
Tapi justru setelah sadar, aku semakin merasa berdosa. Kesaksian yang lahir dari waham itu ditolak Tuan, dan dari sanalah kebencianku mulai luntur.
Titik Sadar
Saat aku merasa kesepian dan seolah ditinggalkan Tuhan, aku menangis hebat. Dan justru di situlah aku sadar: bagaimana mungkin aku pernah memilih neraka dan jauh dari Tuhan, padahal kesepian kecil saja sudah begitu menghancurkan aku?
Tuhan tetap baik. Keluargaku masih sehat. Aku masih bisa bekerja dan menerima gaji. Bahkan doaku dikabulkan—aku berdoa ingin bisa curhat dengan Romo, dan Tuhan memberikannya.
Aku Menangis, Tuhan Menyambut
Akhirnya aku hanya bisa menangis, memohon ampun, meminta Tuhan kembali. Karena sungguh, aku tidak tahan sendirian dan ditinggalkan-Nya.
Dan aku belajar: kebodohan manusia tidak pernah bisa mengalahkan kasih Tuhan.
💡 Refleksi untuk kita semua
Mungkin kamu juga pernah merasa bodoh, salah langkah, bahkan memberontak terhadap Tuhan. Jika iya, ingatlah: kamu tidak sendirian. Tuhan tidak berubah setia, bahkan saat kita jatuh ke dalam kebodohan kita sendiri.
👉 Mari kita kembali pada-Nya, memohon ampun, dan bersandar hanya kepada kasih-Nya. Karena hanya di dalam Dia, kita menemukan damai sejati.
Damai Kristus besertamu. ✝️
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Have you ever felt utterly foolish before God?
I have. And I want to honestly share this here — not to lift myself up, but to show how good our God truly is.
The Beginning of That Foolishness
One day, I harbored hatred toward someone — let’s call him Mr. T. It all started because I felt my testimony on Instagram was not accepted. He never said it directly, but I felt hurt by a post from one of his friends.
The truth is, I testified with the intention of glorifying God, inspired by my daily devotion. But I dragged Mr. T’s story into it, and my testimony became mixed with my personal feelings.
From there, I chose hatred. I told God that I wanted to “quarrel” with Him. I refused to take Holy Communion. I deliberately wouldn’t forgive Mr. T — hoping that God would refuse to forgive me too, so I could end up in hell. Imagine how foolish I was!
The Peak: Delusion and Public Confession
I only realized my testimony was wrong after I understood it had come from a delusion. I had a delusion that the figure “X” was a symbol of Satan. One night I dreamed X would report all my sins to my family. Out of fear, I confessed my sins publicly through that testimony.
But when I came to my senses, I felt even more guilty. The testimony born of delusion was rejected by Mr. T, and from there my hatred began to fade.
The Moment of Awakening
When I felt lonely and seemingly abandoned by God, I wept bitterly. And in that breaking, I realized: how could I ever choose hell and separation from Him, when even a small taste of loneliness was already tearing me apart?
God remained good. My family is still healthy. I can still work and receive a salary. Even my prayer was answered — I prayed for someone I could confide in, a priest, and God gave me that.
I Wept, and God Welcomed Me
In the end, all I could do was cry, ask forgiveness, and beg God to come back to me. Truly, I cannot bear being alone and abandoned by Him.
And I learned: human foolishness can never overcome God’s love.
💡 Reflection for all of us
Maybe you have felt foolish, taken a wrong turn, or even rebelled against God. If so, remember: you are not alone. God’s faithfulness does not change, even when we fall into our own foolishness.
👉 Let us return to Him, ask for forgiveness, and lean wholly on His love. For only in Him do we find true peace.
May the peace of Christ be with you. ✝️
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