Di Mana Pun Aku Pergi, Tuhan Ada di Sana (Wherever I Go, God Is There)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus.

Semoga melalui tulisan ini, Kristus dapat menyapamu.

Teman-teman, pernahkah kalian merasa bahwa setelah rajin dan giatnya melayani Tuhan, bukannya mendapat berkat, justru malah mendapat penderitaan?

Apa tanggapan teman-teman atas penderitaan itu? Apakah semakin mendekat pada Tuhan, atau justru semakin menjauh?

Dalam kasus saya, saya tidak hanya menjauh. Saya putar balik.

Pada saat hubungan saya dengan Tuan sedang kritis, saya mencoba bargaining dengan Tuhan. Saya makin giat saat teduh, renungan harian, dan membaca kitab satu tahun.

Saat itu, ada satu frasa yang menggetarkan hati saya, “Ikutlah Aku.” Selain itu, ada ayat yang menggetarkan hati saya, yaitu Lukas 22:32:

“Tetapi Aku telah berdoa untuk engkau, supaya imanmu jangan gugur. Dan engkau, jikalau engkau sudah insaf, kuatkanlah saudara-saudaramu.”

Saat itu, saya tidak mengerti kenapa ayat itu begitu menggetarkan batin saya.

Singkat cerita, saya menderita skizoafektif tipe depresi dd/ depresi berat dengan ciri psikotik akibat melihat Tuan yang saya kasihi sudah punya gandengan baru. Selain itu, saya menghadapi banyak pergumulan lain.

Ketika itu, saya putar balik. Saya mau kembali ke kehidupan lama saya. Tapi, saya urungkan niat itu. Akhirnya, saya merasa benci pada apa pun. Saya marah dan memberontak. Saya memberontak setiap kali mendengar firman Tuhan. Saya mengutuk.

Setelah saya menemukan kesalahan saya, saya malu dan amarah serta ego saya pun menurun. Saya merasa melalui ayat Lukas tersebut, Tuhan sudah tahu bahwa saya akan putar balik dan berniat kembali ke kehidupan lama saya yang penuh dosa dan hawa nafsu. Namun, Dia berdoa bagi saya agar iman saya tidak gugur. Itu adalah kasih terbesar yang pernah saya rasakan dalam perjalanan rohani saya.

Kemudian, saya kembali ke jalan menuju Tuhan lagi. Saya pribadi tidak memahami tolok ukur insaf itu apa. Namun, saya bersaksi semata-mata untuk memenuhi tugas panggilan: “kuatkanlah saudara-saudaramu.”

Teman-teman, seringkali kita memilih menjauh dari hadirat Tuhan saat mengalami penderitaan. Kadang kita berpikir, mengapa ini terjadi kepada saya? Saya sedang tidak berdosa. Saya sudah melayani Tuhan.

Ya, teman-teman bisa memilih menjauh dan tidak mendengarkan suara-Nya. Tapi teman-teman perlu sadar bahwa kemanapun kita melangkah, Tuhan ada di sana.

Mazmur 139:7-10 (TB)

“Ke mana aku dapat pergi menjauhi roh-Mu, ke mana aku dapat lari dari hadapan-Mu? Jika aku naik ke langit, Engkau ada di sana, jika aku membuat tempat tidurku di dunia orang mati, di situ pun Engkau ada. Jika aku terbang dengan sayap fajar, dan membuat kediaman di ujung laut, juga di sana tangan-Mu akan menuntun aku, dan tangan kanan-Mu memegang aku.”

Teman-teman bisa saja berkata, “Kalau Tuhan ada di mana-mana, mengapa Tuhan tidak bertindak?”

Alkitab mengajarkan bahwa penderitaan berfungsi untuk memurnikan iman. Saat saya menulis ini, hubungan yang sudah saya bargainingkan itu berpotensi tidak kembali. Tapi, saya tetap berdoa bagi hubungan ini, meskipun si Tuan itu sudah bodo amat sama saya, apalagi saya yang salah. Saat ini, saya kembali membaca kitab suci dan renungan semata-mata karena kebutuhan saya, bukan lagi karena bargaining. Itu pun karena kekuatan Tuhan. 

Setelah membaca tulisan ini, apa keputusanmu?

Damai Kristus menyertaimu. 

Greetings in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

May Christ greet you through this writing.

Friends, have you ever felt that after faithfully and diligently serving God, instead of receiving blessings, you end up receiving suffering?

What is your response to that suffering? Does it bring you closer to God or make you drift away?

In my case, I did not just drift away. I turned back.

When my relationship with Tuan was critical, I tried to bargain with God. I became more diligent in my devotions, daily reflections, and reading through the Bible in a year.

At that time, there was one phrase that deeply moved my heart: “Follow Me.” Besides that, there was a verse that touched me deeply, Luke 22:32:

“But I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

At that time, I didn’t understand why that verse stirred my soul so much.

Long story short, I suffered from schizoaffective disorder with severe depression dd/ depression with psychotic features, caused by seeing Tuan that I loved already had someone new. Besides that, I faced many other struggles.

At that moment, I turned back. I wanted to return to my old life. But I gave up that intention. Eventually, I felt hatred toward everything. I was angry and rebellious. I rebelled every time I heard God’s word. I cursed.

After realizing my mistakes, shame came upon me, and my anger and ego subsided. I felt that through the Luke verse, God already knew I would turn back and intend to return to my old life full of sin and lust. Yet, He prayed for me so that my faith would not fail. That is the greatest love I have ever felt in my spiritual journey.

Then, I returned to the path toward God again. I personally do not understand what exactly the measure of being “turned back” is. However, I testify simply to fulfill the calling: “strengthen your brothers.”

Friends, often we choose to distance ourselves from God’s presence when we experience suffering. Sometimes we think, why is this happening to me? I am not sinning. I am already serving God.

Yes, friends, you can choose to distance yourself and ignore His voice. But you need to realize that wherever we go, God is there.

Psalm 139:7-10 (NIV)

“Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.”

Friends might say, “If God is everywhere, why doesn’t He act?”

The Bible teaches that suffering serves to refine our faith. As I write this, the relationship I bargained for might not be restored. But I continue to pray for it, even though that person seems to no longer care about me, especially since I was wrong. Now, I return to reading the Scriptures and devotionals purely out of need, no longer bargaining. And that is by God’s strength.

After reading this, what will be your decision?

May the peace of Christ be with you.