Mampirlah Dengar Doaku: Ketika Doa Orang Lain Dijawab, Tapi Doaku Belum (Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior: When Others’ Prayers Are Answered but Mine Are Not)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus.

Pernahkah teman-teman mendengar lagu ini?

"Mampirlah dengar doaku, Yesus penebus. Orang lain Kau hampiri, jangan jalan terus."

Saya merasa lagu itu sangat bagus dan indah. Tapi, mari kita soroti kalimat ini:

"Orang lain Kau hampiri, jangan jalan terus."

Pernahkah kita mempertanyakan alasan doa orang lain dijawab Tuhan, sedangkan doa kita tidak?

Jika kamu pernah merasa demikian, maka tulisan ini cocok untukmu.

Saya merindukan teman hidup yang dapat menjadi sahabat hidup dalam hidup saya. Saya merindukan rumah yang banyak piaraannya. Ini mimpi saya.

Namun, saya belum bisa mencapainya saat ini karena saya perlu membereskan luka batin saya. Sementara itu, saya melihat teman-teman saya sudah memiliki pencapaian hidupnya. Ada yang jadi advokat sukses. Ada yang beli iPad baru.

Lalu, ada rasa iri yang timbul di dalam diri saya.
Aku bertanya, "Apakah Tuhan hanya mengasihi mereka dan tidak mengasihiku?"

Pengalaman emosi ini tidak lepas dari pengalaman luka, di mana ayah saya sering memberikan barang-barang yang diinginkan adik saya. Tapi saya? Minta HP saja tidak diberi.

Ayah saya bilang alasannya karena ia takut adik saya mati. Ia takut menyesal karena tidak bisa memberi barang-barang yang diinginkannya apabila adik saya mati akibat step yang sering dideritanya.

Tapi, saya tidak bisa menerima alasan tersebut.
Apakah ayah saya tidak akan menyesal bila ternyata saya yang duluan mati karena skizoafektif tipe depresi dd / depresi berat dengan ciri psikotik yang saya alami?

Saya sadar untuk membereskan luka batin ini. Tapi, saya bingung memulainya dari mana.

Jadi, saya berdoa untuk mengatasi keirian akibat Allah yang menjawab doa orang. Saya berdoa sambil mengepalkan tangan:

"Tuhan, saya mengasihi mereka."

Karena saya mengingat bahwa kasih itu tidak cemburu.

Puji Tuhan, saat ini saya sudah mati rasa melihat kemajuan dan pencapaian hidup yang terpampang di Instagram. Mungkin ini juga karena pengaruh antidepresan yang saya konsumsi.

Sudah sepatutnya kita berbahagia dengan pencapaian teman-teman kita, meskipun saat ini kita belum memiliki pencapaian apapun. Kita perlu sadar bahwa rahmat setiap orang berbeda-beda. Tetap terus doakan segala mimpi dan harapan yang kita miliki kepada Tuhan. Bukan karena orang lain, tapi karena kita anak-Nya yang membutuhkan kasih sayang Bapa dalam bentuk hadiah atau receiving gift.

Kiranya damai Tuhan kita, Yesus Kristus, dalam persekutuan dengan Roh Kudus menyertai weekend kita.

Amin.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Have you ever heard this hymn?

“Pass me not, O gentle Savior, hear my humble cry. While on others Thou art calling, do not pass me by.”

I find this song so beautiful and moving. But let’s highlight this line:

“While on others Thou art calling, do not pass me by.”

Have you ever questioned why God seems to answer other people’s prayers, but not yours?

If you’ve ever felt that way, then this reflection is for you.

I long for a life partner — someone who can also be a true companion in life. I dream of a home filled with pets. That’s my dream.

But I haven’t reached it yet because I need to work through my inner wounds. Meanwhile, I see my friends already achieving so many things in life. Some have become successful lawyers. Some have bought brand-new iPads.

And then, a feeling of jealousy arises in me.
I ask, “Does God only love them and not me?”

This emotional struggle is deeply rooted in my past, especially in the wounds from childhood. My father used to buy gifts for my younger sibling, while I wasn’t even given a phone when I asked.

He said his reason was because he feared my sibling might die — he didn’t want to live with the regret of not giving gifts to someone who might suddenly be gone due to frequent seizures.

But I couldn’t accept that reason.
Wouldn’t he also regret it if I died first — from schizoaffective disorder, or from severe depression with psychotic features, which I’ve been diagnosed with?

I know I need to heal from this. But I don’t know where to begin.

So, I pray — to overcome the jealousy I feel when it seems like God answers other people’s prayers. I pray with clenched fists:

“Lord, I love them.”

Because I remember: love is not jealous.

Praise God, I no longer feel anything when I see people’s achievements and life updates on Instagram. Maybe this numbness is also due to the antidepressants I’m taking.

But truly, we ought to rejoice in our friends’ achievements — even when we haven’t achieved anything ourselves. We must remember that each person receives different graces. So, keep praying for your own dreams and hopes — not because of what others have, but because we are His children in need of a Father’s loving gifts.

May the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ, in fellowship with the Holy Spirit, be with us throughout this weekend.

Amen.

Do you still believe that God is Good and your Savior, even though He allowed such crimes to happen in your past?

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus

Dalam bukunya Seni Berdamai dengan Diri Sendiri, Claudia Sabrina menuliskan begini:

"Berbagai cara dilakukan demi mewujudkan harapan, target atau cita-cita tersebut. Berusaha, berpeluh, hingga merapal­kan doa setiap malam tidak pernah alpa dilakukan. Tapi, keputusan tetap ada pada Sang Pemilik Semesta. Ada doa yang langsung dikabulkan oleh Tuhan. Ada doa yang kelak dikabulkan. Ada pula doa yang tidak dikabulkan tapi diganti dengan yang lebih baik. Lalu, bagaimana kalau ternyata doa tidak dikabulkan? Anda pasti kecewa. Rasanya semua usaha yang sudah dilakukan sia-sia. Ketika usaha dan doa Anda tidak dijawab, maka berdamailah dengan diri sendiri..."

Pasti kita semua pernah mengalami keadaan di mana doa kita tidak dijawab oleh Allah, bukan? Tapi mengapa kita diminta berdamai dengan diri sendiri dan bukan berdamai dengan Allah, Sang Pengabul Doa?

Karena, kita selalu berpandangan bahwa Allah itu Maha Baik, Allah itu Sempurna, dan yang salah pasti manusia.

Tapi bagaimana bila konteks kejadiannya seperti ini?

Kita masih kecil, tapi dilecehkan secara seksual oleh orang terdekat kita.
Atau kita sudah menaati hukum dengan sebaik-baiknya, tetapi anggota keluarga kita dibunuh oleh orang lain.
Padahal, kita sudah berdoa, "bebaskanlah kami dari segala yang jahat".

Hal yang menjadi perenungan kita adalah:

1. Kita telah memahami bahwa manusia memiliki kehendak bebas, tapi dunia ini tidak luput dari izin Allah.
2. Kita tahu Allah memiliki rancangan keselamatan kepada kita. Tapi, mengapa pada waktu itu, keselamatan itu tidak terjadi pada kita?

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Apakah kamu marah kepada Allah sebab batasmu dilanggar—tetapi kamu takut berdosa karena marah itu?

Saya pernah marah pada Allah. Saya berteriak pada-Nya:

"Mengapa ini semua terjadi kepadaku?"

Saya mempertanyakan alasan KDRT orangtua saya dan pelecehan seksual waktu saya kecil.

Bagiku, ini merupakan ujian iman yang berat untuk dihadapi. Karena saya perlu menanggapi pertanyaan ini:

Apakah kamu percaya bahwa Allah Maha Baik dan Juruselamat, meskipun Allah mengizinkan tindak pidana itu terjadi dalam kehidupanmu di masa lalu?

Dan inilah jawaban saya:

Allah Tritunggal mengasihi saya. Kristus adalah Juruselamat saya.
Meskipun masa lalu saya buruk dan kelam, saya yakin dan percaya masa depan saya aman di dalam Kristus.

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Bagaimana denganmu?

Kristus meratap bersamamu.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

In her book "Seni Berdamai dengan Diri Sendiri," Claudia Sabrina writes:

“Translated by me: Various efforts are made to achieve hopes, targets, or dreams. Striving, sweating, even praying every night—none are ever skipped. But in the end, the decision belongs to the Creator of the Universe. Some prayers are answered immediately. Some will be answered in time. Some are not answered but are replaced with something better. So, what if the prayer is not answered at all? You’ll surely be disappointed. It feels as if all your efforts were in vain. When your efforts and prayers are left unanswered, make peace with yourself…”

Surely, we’ve all experienced moments when our prayers seem to go unanswered, haven’t we? But why are we encouraged to make peace with ourselves and not with God, the One who answers prayer?

Because we often assume that God is always Good, always Perfect, and that the one at fault must be the human.

But what if the context looks like this?

You were just a child, and someone close to you sexually abused you.
Or you followed the law with all your heart, and yet someone murdered your family member.
And all the while, you had prayed, "deliver us from evil."

This leads us to a deeper reflection:

We understand that humans have free will.
Yet this world does not escape God's sovereign permission.
We believe God has a plan of salvation for us.
But why, at that moment, did that salvation seem absent?

Are you angry at God because your boundaries were violated—
but you’re afraid that your anger might be sinful?

I have been angry at God before.
I cried out to Him:

“Why did all of this happen to me?”

I questioned the reasons behind my parents’ domestic violence
and the sexual abuse I endured as a child.

For me, it became a severe test of faith.
Because I had to face this question:

Do you still believe that God is Good and your Savior,
even though He allowed such crimes to happen in your past?

And here is my answer:

The Triune God loves me. Christ is my Savior.
Though my past was painful and dark, I believe and trust
that my future is safe in Christ.

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How about you?
Christ weeps with you.

Efek Samping

Kita yang tua ini pernah sangat menggilai kopi

Kita menyecap pahitnya

Diiringi sedikit manisnya gula

Selalu ada efek samping, Tuan

Begitu juga dengan kopi

Menyandu kafein meradangkan lambung

Perihnya menghentikanku menggilai kopi

Terjadi juga pada kita

Nona Nagisa,

Bandung, 30 Desember 2019

#SAJAKKOPI

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Pengangguran

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#sajakkopi

Tiada yang lebih pahit

Dibanding kehidupan seorang pengangguran

Pulang tak beruang

Tak pulang pun tak ada uang

Bahkan mengalahkan pahitnya kopi

Tiada yang lebih dingin

Dibanding relung hati seorang pengangguran

Ingin memberi tak ada uang

Tak memberi pun tak ada uang

Bahkan mengalahkan dinginnya hujan di malam hari

Nona Nagisa,

Bandung, 28 Desember 2019

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Keheningan Allah yang Menyelamatkan dan Depresi (God’s Redemptive Silence and the Dark Night of the Soul )

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus 

Saya baru menyadari bahwa penyakit depresi yang saya alami bukan hanya sekadar sakit jiwa biasa, tetapi merupakan respons atas keheningan Allah.

Henry Blackaby sebagaimana dikutip oleh Philip Yancey dalam buku berjudul Doa berbicara begini:

“Anda dapat merespons keheningan Allah dalam dua cara. Salah satu respons adalah Anda masuk ke dalam depresi, rasa bersalah, dan mengutuk diri sendiri. Respons lain adalah Anda memiliki harapan bahwa Allah akan membawa Anda ke pengetahuan yang lebih mendalam mengenai diri-Nya.”

Hal yang kurasakan saat menghadapi keheningan Allah adalah kecewa. Aku kecewa karena aku memiliki ekspektasi tertentu akan suatu keadaan. Atas ketidaktercapaian ekspektasi tersebut, aku menyalahkan diriku sendiri. Aku menganalisis dan mengintrospeksi diri untuk mencari letak kesalahanku. Atas kesalahanku, aku berasumsi bahwa aku tidak layak mendapatkan rahmat tersebut.

Aku memandang bahwa aku telah ditolak Allah. Sebab, aku tidak baik dalam menjaga dan merawat rahmat-Nya. Hal ini yang kurasakan saat retaknya hubunganku dengan Tuan. Aku baru belajar berharap pada umur 30 tahun, meskipun aku tidak percaya bahwa Tuhan akan mengabulkan harapanku.

Ini merupakan pengalaman kesekian kali aku berhadapan dengan diamnya Tuhan dalam permasalahan retaknya relasi dengan pasangan. Namun, saat dulu, aku selalu menghabiskan waktuku dengan mabuk dan merokok. Mungkin, saat ini merupakan masa pertobatanku untuk mengenal kasih Tuhan lebih dalam tanpa mabuk dan rokok pasca hilangnya orang yang kukasihi.

Sebagai seseorang yang mengidap depresi, tentu saja aku belajar mengenai “diamnya Tuhan karena meninggalkan kita” dengan “diamnya Tuhan karena sedang mengerjakan sesuatu.”

Pada masa aku berdosa dulu, aku merasa terkapar. Dadaku berat seperti membawa batu. Aku berteriak dan tantrum kepada Tuhan, tetapi aku tidak mendengar suara-Nya. Karena, aku tidak membiarkan Dia berbicara melalui firman-Nya. Aku hanya datang ke gereja sekali, sehabis itu aku kembali mabuk dan merokok serta mencari laki-laki padahal laki-laki tersebut tidak memberikan kasih sayang—justru memanfaatkanku. Tapi, entah mengapa aku melakukan itu. Aku merasa diamnya Tuhan karena meninggalkanku yang berdosa ini. 

Pada masa aku bertobat saat ini, aku tidak terkapar lagi. Aku berdoa kepada-Nya dan aku membiarkan diriku mendengar suara-Nya melalui pembacaan renungan, kadang-kadang misa harian, dan misa Minggu. Algoritma TikTok-ku juga kuatur agar selalu ada kesaksian dan ayat Alkitab berseliweran.

Kemudian, aku membaca kesaksian teman-temanku di Instagram. Aku mendapat kekuatan dari situ. Aku mencari suara-Nya dan Dia kutemukan. Dia kutemukan dalam firman-Nya. Aku selalu menemukan kalimat,

“Berdoalah, sampai engkau melihat yang kau doakan.”

Maka, aku selalu berdoa agar dikuduskan hati, pikiran, dan mataku. Aku selalu berdoa agar dikuduskan dengan Tuanku itu.

Aku juga seringkali membaca ayat ini:

Yesaya 41:10 (TB)
“Jangan takut, sebab Aku menyertai engkau,
jangan bimbang, sebab Aku ini Allahmu;
Aku akan meneguhkan, bahkan akan menolong engkau;
Aku akan memegang engkau dengan tangan kanan-Ku yang membawa kemenangan.”

Entah kenapa saya percaya diam-Nya karena sedang mengerjakan sesuatu. Meskipun, saya tidak melihat sesuatu apa pun.

Aku tidak tahu bagaimana pengharapanku pada Allah selain daripada mendoakan hubungan ini terus menerus—meskipun kadang bosan mendoakannya. Namun, aku banyak mengikuti kegiatan bermanfaat sambil menunggu. Aku mengikuti kursus menyanyi. Aku mengikuti kursus Kitab Suci. Aku bergabung dengan Legio Maria dan pelayanan paduan suara.

Teman-teman, kita harus belajar positif terhadap Allah. Kita perlu belajar berpandangan bahwa keheningan Allah adalah menyelamatkan kita dari keputusan yang salah.

Saat ini, saya rindu akan perkawinan. Tetapi saya ini rupanya masih membawa luka masa lalu yang sangat dalam. Oleh sebab itu, rusaknya relasi persahabatan masih lebih baik daripada rusaknya relasi dalam rumah tangga—apalagi kekristenan melarang perceraian.

Aku masih percaya bahwa Allah itu baik dan setia. Aku masih percaya bahwa rancangan-Nya membawa keselamatan bagiku. Namun, aku sedang merenungkan: masihkah Tuan ada dalam rancangan agung-Nya Allah atau tidak?

Aku bersedia berjalan dalam iman yang kecil ini, meski aku tidak bisa melihat apa-apa di depan sana. Karena aku percaya bahwa Allah hadir dalam kehidupanku.

Kurasa momen keheningan Allah juga merupakan ujian bagi imanku untuk menumbuhkan kesetiaan, kelemahlembutan, dan penguasaan diri. Agar aku semakin kudus di hadapan Allah.

 Damai Kristus menyertaimu. 

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

I have recently realized that the depression I suffer is not merely a mental illness, but a response to the silence of God.

Henry Blackaby, as quoted by Philip Yancey in his book Doa, once said:

"You can respond to God's silence in two ways. One response is to fall into depression, guilt, and self-condemnation. The other is to hope that God will lead you to a deeper knowledge of Himself."

What I felt in the face of God's silence was disappointment. I was disappointed because I had certain expectations about a situation. When those expectations were not met, I blamed myself. I analyzed and introspected, looking for the fault within me. Because of my faults, I assumed I was unworthy of that grace.

I saw myself as someone rejected by God—because I had not cared for or stewarded His grace well. That’s how I felt when my relationship with Tuan fell apart. I only learned to hope at the age of 30, even though I still did not believe that God would grant me what I hoped for.

This is not the first time I’ve encountered God’s silence in the matter of a broken relationship. In the past, I drowned myself in alcohol and cigarettes. Perhaps now is my season of repentance—to know God’s love more deeply, without intoxication and smoke, in the wake of losing someone I loved.

As someone living with depression, I’ve come to learn the difference between “God’s silence because He has left us” and “God’s silence because He is working on something.”

In my past sinful life, I felt utterly collapsed. My chest was heavy like carrying a stone. I shouted and threw tantrums at God, but I heard nothing. That was because I didn’t allow Him to speak through His Word. I went to church once, then returned to drinking, smoking, and seeking men who offered no love—only exploitation. Yet I didn’t know why I kept doing it. I felt like God was silent because He had abandoned me in my sin.

Now, in this season of repentance, I am no longer collapsed. I pray to Him, and I allow myself to hear His voice through devotionals, occasional daily Mass, and weekly Sunday Mass. I even curated my TikTok algorithm to fill my feed with testimonies and Bible verses.

I also read testimonies from my friends on Instagram. I find strength there. I seek His voice, and I find Him. I find Him in His Word. I often come across this phrase:

"Pray until you see what you are praying for."

And so, I always pray for the purification of my heart, my thoughts, and my eyes. I pray to be sanctified with Tuan.

I also often return to this verse:

Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
“So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Somehow, I believe that His silence means He is working on something—even though I cannot see anything yet.

I don't know how else to hope in God other than to keep praying for this relationship—though I sometimes grow weary of praying. Still, I keep myself occupied with meaningful activities while I wait. I attend vocal lessons. I take part in Bible study. I joined the Legion of Mary and serve in the church choir.

Friends, we must learn to think positively of God. We must learn to believe that God's silence may actually be saving us from making the wrong decision.

At this moment, I long for marriage. But I realize that I still carry wounds from the past—deep ones. That’s why I believe a broken friendship is better than a broken marriage, especially since Christianity forbids divorce.

I still believe that God is good and faithful. I still believe His plans are for my salvation. However, I’m currently reflecting: Is Tuan still part of God’s divine plan for me—or not?

I am willing to walk in this small faith, even if I see nothing ahead. Because I believe God is present in my life.

I believe that this moment of God's silence is a test of my faith—to grow in faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. So that I may be ever more holy before Him.

Peace of Christ be with you.

Kopi Susu

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Kopi Susu

Menyeruput kembali kopi susu

Membangkitkan kembali kenangan yang terendap duka

Merasakan Sari Roti Coklat menggema dalam pikiranku

Menyentuhku di tengah senda gurau

Sangat manis dalam kenangan

Pahit dibalik kenyataan

Nona Nagisa,

Bandung, 01 Maret 2019

📍CAFE BLACK ROMANTICK

#sajakkopi

#sajakmalam

#kopisusu

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Mungkinkah?

Mungkinkah kita akan berjumpa lagi, Tuan?

Pikiranku melayang-layang membayangkan bila kita berjumpa

Masihkah engkau tersenyum padaku seperti dahulu?

Masihkah engkau menyentuh hangat pundakku seperti dahulu?

Ataukah yang kau pandang adalah keingkaranku yang menyelubungiku dalam gelap?

Nona Nagisa,

Jakarta, 8 Juli 2024

Sajak Kopi #11

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Cuaca dingin menyusum

Meneteskan rintik dari awan kelabu

Mengharumkan penat di segala penjuru

Membirukan pilu di sudut lesung

Kelabu di secangkir kopi

Menghantarkan cahaya lembayung senja

Melukiskan bayang sendu yang tidak berufuk

Isikan senyum hampa di roman muka

Nona, Bandung, 20 November 2018

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Sajak Kopi #10

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#sajakkopi

Di tengah hiruk pikuk pengunjung kedai

Ditemani lantunan saksofon yang mengalun teduh

Kuseruput lekukan wajah orientalmu

Terlukis abstrak di secangkir Cappuccino

Larut aku mendaki hidung seperti dasun tunggal

Bangir menjulang hingga ke ujung pakal lesung pipitmu

Menibakan aku ke dalam gencatan senjata di Gaza

Yang tak akan pernah usai hingga Almasih menjelang

Nona Nagisa, Bandung, 15 November 2018

📍WARUNK UPNORMAL

#sajakkopi #sajak

🕘 21:06

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Menyesal

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Sudah sering aku menyesal.

Aku pernah menyesal dan seperti Petrus.

Aku pernah menyesal dan seperti Yudas.

Hari itu aku menyesal dan aku seperti Daud.

Kini aku bangkit dari perkabunganku.

Karena sudah terjadi hukumanku dan bangkit mengikuti Kristus.

Apalagi yang harus dikabungkan kalau itu sudah inkrah Tuhan?

Nona Nagisa, Bandung, 20 April 2018

#sajakkopi #sajak

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Memilih Kristus di Antara Dua Tuan (Choosing Christ Over Mammon)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus

Pada tanggal 16 Juni 2025 s.d. 21 Juni 2025, saya ada dinas ke luar kota. Saya sangat bersukacita sekali karena bisa melihat wilayah lain di luar domisili saya.

Pada saat pulang dinas, saya mempertanggungjawabkan tugas saya dengan membuat laporan. Saat itu, laporan pertanggungjawaban saya dikembalikan. Karena, penggunaan anggarannya terlalu real. Saya harus mark up rincian penggunaan anggaran atau mengembalikan anggaran yang tidak digunakan.

Saat itu, saya memutuskan untuk mengembalikan anggaran yang tidak digunakan sebesar Rp200.000,-. Meskipun saya butuh duit.

Kenapa?
Saya ingin memilih Kristus dibandingkan Mammon.

Matius 6:24 (TB)
"Tak seorangpun dapat mengabdi kepada dua tuan. Karena jika demikian, ia akan membenci yang seorang dan mengasihi yang lain, atau ia akan setia kepada yang seorang dan tidak mengindahkan yang lain. Kamu tidak dapat mengabdi kepada Allah dan kepada Mamon."

Saat itu, saya langsung berdoa dengan seenak jidatnya,

"Tuhan, bertanggungjawablah atas penghidupan saya kalau Engkau masih memanggil saya untuk hidup."

Esok harinya, sepupu jauh saya melangsungkan perkawinan. Saya ikut menortor. Lalu, saya dapat Rp250.000 dan 5 Dollar Australia.

Tuhan mendengar doa dan Maha Memelihara hidup saya.

Saya bersukacita karena saya bisa memilih pilihan yang baik.

Damai Kristus menyertai.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

From June 16th to June 21st, 2025, I was on an official trip out of town. I was filled with great joy because I had the opportunity to see a region beyond my place of residence.

Upon returning from the trip, I prepared my accountability report. However, the report was returned because the financial details were considered "too real." I was told to mark up the budget details or return the unused funds.

At that moment, I chose to return the unused amount of Rp200,000, even though I needed the money.

Why?
Because I wanted to choose Christ over Mammon.

Matthew 6:24 (NIV)
"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money."

Right then, I casually prayed,

"Lord, if You still call me to live, then please take responsibility for my livelihood."

The next day, a distant cousin of mine had a wedding. I joined the traditional Batak dance (tortor). Then, I received Rp250,000 and 5 Australian Dollars.

God heard my prayer and faithfully provided for me.

I rejoiced because I had chosen what was right.

May the peace of Christ be with you.

Sajak Kopi #9

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📍KOPI TOKO DJAWA

#sajakkopi September 2, 2023

Suasana ramai

dengan hati yang sepi.

Dinginnya malam

tak lebih dingin

dari dinginnya hati.

Pahitnya kopi tak

sepahit hati kelu

Nona Nagisa.

Bandung, 13 April 2018

#SAJAK #SAJAKKOPI

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Mengapa Tuhan Mengeraskan Hati Firaun? (Why Did God Harden Pharaoh’s Heart?)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus

Bagaimana kabarmu, teman-teman?

Aku harap teman-teman dalam keadaan sukacita.

Aku merenungkan sebuah pertanyaan yang bersumber dari Keluaran 4:21,

Firman TUHAN kepada Musa:
"Pada waktu engkau hendak kembali ini ke Mesir, ingatlah, supaya segala mujizat yang telah Kuserahkan ke dalam tanganmu, kauperbuat di depan Firaun. Tetapi Aku akan mengeraskan hatinya, sehingga ia tidak membiarkan bangsa itu pergi."

"Mengapa Tuhan menghukum Mesir, apabila hati Firaun Tuhan sendiri yang keraskan?"

Aku bertanya pada teman-teman, aku mencari di komentar Kitab Suci Katolik maupun Protestan, tapi tidak ada jawaban yang memuaskanku.

Aku pun semakin mencari jawaban setelah aku menemukan ayat lain yang konteksnya sama dengan perenunganku, yaitu Keluaran 7:3-4:

7:3 Tetapi Aku akan mengeraskan hati Firaun, dan Aku akan memperbanyak tanda-tanda dan mujizat-mujizat yang Kubuat di tanah Mesir.
7:4 Bilamana Firaun tidak mendengarkan kamu, maka Aku akan mendatangkan tangan-Ku kepada Mesir dan mengeluarkan pasukan-Ku, umat-Ku, orang Israel, dari tanah Mesir dengan hukuman-hukuman yang berat.

Namun, aku masih tetap percaya pada Tuhan. Tidak sedikitpun luntur kepercayaanku yang saat ini ada hanya karena hal ini.

Lalu, aku menemukan komentar Ramban terkait hal ini. Aku merasa puas dengan jawaban ini.

AND I WILL HARDEN PHARAOH’S HEART.
The Rabbis said in Midrash Rabbah: “G-d revealed to Moses that He was destined to harden Pharaoh’s heart in order to bring judgment upon him for he caused them to work in cruel bondage.”
It is also stated there [in Midrash Rabbah]: “For I have hardened his heart.” Rabbi Yochanan said, “This provides a pretext for the heretics to say that G-d did not allow Pharaoh to repent.” Rabbi Shimon ben Lakish said, “The mouths of the heretics be closed! Only, if it concerneth the scorners, He scorneth them. When He warns one on three occasions and he does not turn from his ways, He closes the door of repentance on him in order to punish him for his sin. Such was the case with wicked Pharaoh.
After the Holy One, blessed be He, sent him five times [the request to let His people go] and he paid no attention to His words, the Holy One, blessed be He, said to him: You have stiffened your neck and hardened your heart; I will double your defilement.”

The Rabbis [in the above Midrash] have thus discussed the question which all ask: “If G-d hardened his heart, what then was Pharaoh’s sin?” For this there are two explanations, and both of them are true.

1. Pharaoh, in his wickedness, had unjustifiably perpetrated such great evils against Israel that justice required that the ways of repentance be withheld from him, as is so indicated in many places in the Torah and in the Writings. He was judged according to his wickedness which he had originally committed of his own will.

2. Half of the plagues came upon him because of his transgressions, for in connection with them it is only said: And Pharaoh’s heart was hardened; And Pharaoh hardened his heart. Thus Pharaoh refused to let the children of Israel go for the glory of G-d. But when the plagues began bearing down upon him and he became weary to suffer them, his heart softened and he bethought himself to send them out on account of the onslaught of the plagues, not in order to do the will of his Creator. Then G-d hardened his spirit and made his heart obstinate, so that His name may be declared [throughout all the earth]. Similar in meaning is the verse, Thus will I magnify Myself…

Before the plagues, And I will harden his heart, and he will not let the people go, was merely His warning to Moses of what He was destined to do to Pharaoh in the last five plagues, it being similar to that which He said, And I know that the king of Egypt will not give you leave to go.
This then is the meaning of the verse [before us], And I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and multiply My signs. That is to say, “I will harden his heart so that My wonders may be multiplied in the land of Egypt,” since in the last five plagues, as well as at the drowning in the sea, it is said, And the Eternal hardened the heart of Pharaoh, for “the king’s heart is in the hand of the Eternal; He turneth it whithersoever He will.”

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Hal yang perlu kita lakukan adalah kita perlu membedakan mana dosa Firaun dan mana hati Firaun yang dikeraskan Tuhan.

Kita dapat melihat dalam Keluaran 1 bagaimana orang Israel ditindas di Mesir dan bayi-bayi laki-laki diperintahkan untuk dibunuh. Itulah dosa Firaun.

Tetapi, pada saat Firaun menolak bangsa Israel untuk keluar pergi beribadah dari Mesir. Ini rangkaian karya Allah untuk menunjukkan mukjizatNya di tanah Mesir.

Lalu, apabila kekerasan hati Firaun itu Allah yang buat, apakah ada kemungkinan Firaun lebih memilih lunak hatinya? Apakah ada kemungkinan kita bisa lunak hatinya meski Allah merancangkan kita sebagai keras hati?

Ya, ada kemungkinan Firaun bisa saja lunak hati, termasuk kita.
Karena, setiap kita diberkahi kehendak bebas yang mana Allah menghormati kehendak bebas kita.

Sekian perenungan hari ini. 

Damai Kristus menyertai 

In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit

How are you, dear friends?

I hope you are all in joy and peace.

I’ve been reflecting on a question that comes from Exodus 4:21:

The LORD said to Moses,
“When you return to Egypt, see that you perform before Pharaoh all the wonders I have put in your hand.
But I will harden his heart so that he will not let the people go.”

"Why would God punish Egypt, if it was God Himself who hardened Pharaoh’s heart?"

I asked this to some friends. I searched for answers in both Catholic and Protestant Bible commentaries, but none of them satisfied me.

I continued my search for an answer, especially after I found another passage with the same context that deepened my reflection: Exodus 7:3–4:

7:3 But I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and I will multiply My signs and wonders in the land of Egypt.
7:4 Yet Pharaoh will not listen to you. Then I will lay My hand on Egypt and bring out My armies, My people the Israelites, from the land of Egypt by great acts of judgment.

Still, I continue to believe in God. My faith has not diminished in the slightest, even as I wrestle with this question.

Then, I found Ramban’s commentary on this. And I finally felt at peace with his answer.

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AND I WILL HARDEN PHARAOH’S HEART.

The Rabbis said in Midrash Rabbah:
“God revealed to Moses that He was destined to harden Pharaoh’s heart in order to bring judgment upon him, for he caused them to work in cruel bondage.”
It is also stated there: “For I have hardened his heart.”

Rabbi Yochanan said,
“This provides a pretext for the heretics to say that God did not allow Pharaoh to repent.”

Rabbi Shimon ben Lakish said,
“Let the mouths of the heretics be shut! Only, if it concerns the scorners, He scorns them.
When He warns someone three times and they do not turn from their ways, He closes the door of repentance upon them, in order to punish them for their sin.
Such was the case with wicked Pharaoh.

After the Holy One, blessed be He, sent him five times [the request to let His people go], and he paid no attention to His words, the Holy One said to him:
You have stiffened your neck and hardened your heart; I will double your defilement.”

The Rabbis in the above Midrash addressed the question everyone asks:
“If God hardened Pharaoh’s heart, then what was Pharaoh’s sin?”

There are two explanations, and both are true.

First, Pharaoh—out of his own wickedness—had committed great injustices against Israel. Divine justice demanded that the path of repentance be closed off from him.
This is affirmed in many parts of the Torah and the Writings.
He was judged according to the evil he originally committed by his own will.

Second, half of the plagues were brought upon him because of his transgressions.
About these, Scripture says: “Pharaoh’s heart was hardened” and “Pharaoh hardened his heart.”

Pharaoh refused to let Israel go—not to honor God—but only to relieve the pressure from the plagues.
When the plagues pressed upon him and he grew weary, his heart softened and he thought to release them—not to do the will of his Creator, but to end his suffering.

So then, God hardened his spirit and made his heart obstinate,
so that His name might be proclaimed throughout all the earth.
This is similar to the verse: “Thus will I magnify Myself…”

Before the plagues, “I will harden his heart, and he will not let the people go,” was merely a warning to Moses about what God would do to Pharaoh during the last five plagues.
It echoes another verse: “I know that the king of Egypt will not let you go.”

Thus, the meaning of the verse before us, “I will harden Pharaoh’s heart and multiply My signs,”
is this:
“I will harden his heart so that My wonders may be multiplied in the land of Egypt.”
Indeed, in the last five plagues, and even during the drowning in the sea, it is written:
“The LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh,”
for “the king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wills.”

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What we must do is learn to distinguish between what was Pharaoh’s sin, and what was Pharaoh’s heart hardened by God.

We can look back to Exodus 1, where the Israelites were oppressed in Egypt, and their baby boys were ordered to be killed. That was Pharaoh’s sin.

But when Pharaoh refused to let Israel go and worship in the wilderness,
that was God’s work—to display His wonders in Egypt.

Now, if Pharaoh’s hardened heart was caused by God,
could there still have been a possibility for Pharaoh to choose to soften his heart?
Could we also soften our hearts even if God intended otherwise?

Yes, there was still a possibility.
Pharaoh could have chosen a softened heart, just like we can.
Because each of us has been given the gift of free will,
and God honors that freedom.

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That is all for today’s reflection.

May the peace of Christ be with you. ✨

Pohon

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Hanya bisa melihat pohon itu terus tumbuh hijau dan semakin tinggi.

Entah kutak tau seberapa banyak titik embun yang menetes dan daun yang menguning berguguran.

Yang kulihat dari sini pohon itu tetap kokoh dan tegak.

Tak lagi kurasakan dari dekat seberapa kuat angin itu menerpanya.

Nona Nagisa,

Bandung, 13 April 2018.

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