Sajak Kopi #8

"Entah berapa purnama lagi aku harus menanti, kekasih.

Entah berapa musim harus kulalui, kekasih.

Tak lelah dalam tekat kuminta, kekasih.

Tak lelah dalam tetes kuperjat, kekasih.

Aku Lala Padamu."

"How many moons more must I wait, my beloved.
How many seasons must I pass through, my beloved.
Unwearied in the resolve I ask, my beloved.
Unwearied in the tears I shed, my beloved.
I belong to You."

Nona Nagisa, Bandung, 07 April 2019

📍KOPI ANJIS

---

Ketika Hidup Terasa Pahit: Sebuah Renungan dari Ibrani 12:15 (When Life Feels Bitter: A Reflection from Hebrews 12:15)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus

Bagaimana kabar teman-teman?

Aku berharap teman-teman sedang merasa sukacita.

Atau adakah yang sedang merasa pahit hidupnya?

Jika teman-teman ada yang merasa pahit hidupnya, maka tulisan ini cocok untuk teman-teman.

Aku juga pernah merasa pahit hidupnya.

Sejak kecil, aku sering melihat ayah dan ibuku bertengkar hingga KDRT. Aku dibully banci kaleng dan bencong oleh teman-temanku. Padahal, aku perempuan tulen. Aku tidak mengerti alasannya. Aku tumbuh dengan perasaan iri hati melihat adikku lebih disayang oleh ayahku. Selain itu, aku tumbuh dengan luka pelecehan seksual. Saat dewasa, aku haus akan penerimaan dan kasih sayang.

Semua pengalaman itu menjadikanku seorang perempuan yang penakut. Selain itu, aku menjadi perempuan yang mudah marah-marah. Aku merasa disepelekan. Aku merasa menyendiri. Aku merasa geram. Aku merasa memberontak. Aku merasa kecewa. Aku merasa malu, sangat malu. Aku merasa penuh penyesalan. Aku menjadi perempuan yang mudah menghakimi dan memandang rendah sekitarku. Aku sangat beracun.

---

Suatu ketika, aku membaca ayat ini:

Ibrani 12:15
"Jagalah supaya jangan ada seorang pun menjauhkan diri dari kasih karunia Allah, agar jangan tumbuh akar yang pahit yang menimbulkan kerusuhan dan yang mencemarkan banyak orang."

Lalu, aku membaca penjelasan dalam A Catholic Commentary on Holy Scripture – Hebrews 12:14–24:

15. Charity has an ‘episcopal’ eye; its overseership must ensure that no one defaults from the grace of God, and that no bitter root of poisonous influence causes disturbance resulting in the defilement of the many.

---

Dari ayat ini aku menyadari alasan diriku menjadi sangat racun, yaitu:

• Aku gagal menerima atau mencapai kasih karunia Allah itu sendiri.

• Tidak ada yang benar-benar mengawasi kehidupanku.

• Tidak ada yang mendampingiku untuk meregulasi emosiku, termasuk aku sendiri yang tidak mengawasi diriku sendiri.

---

Apa itu kasih karunia?

Dalam Katekismus Gereja Katolik (KGK) dijelaskan sebagai berikut:

KGK 1996
"Our justification comes from the grace of God. Grace is favor, the free and undeserved help that God gives us to respond to his call to become children of God, adoptive sons, partakers of the divine nature and of eternal life."

KGK 1997
"Grace is a participation in the life of God. It introduces us into the intimacy of Trinitarian life: by Baptism the Christian participates in the grace of Christ, the Head of his Body. As an 'adopted son' he can henceforth call God 'Father,' in union with the only Son. He receives the life of the Spirit who breathes charity into him and who forms the Church."

Intinya, kita mendapat pertolongan yang tidak layak kita terima untuk menjadi anak-Nya melalui Kristus sejak baptisan.

---

Apa korelasinya antara luka batinku dengan panggilan sebagai anak Allah?

Ada korelasinya.

Kalau seseorang sadar bahwa ia dalam Kristus sudah dipanggil sebagai anak Allah, ia akan dengan bebas datang kepada Bapa membawa seluruh luka batinnya untuk dipulihkan. Ia tidak harus bergumul sendirian dan bingung cara meregulasi emosi yang besar itu.

---

Apakah benar kita bergumul sendirian?

Benarkah Bapa tidak hadir di sana meski kita belum mengenal hal yang sudah menjadi rahmat atau kasih karunia kita?

Saya yakin Bapa ada di sana.

---

Yesaya 43:2

"Apabila engkau menyeberang melalui air, Aku akan menyertai engkau, atau melalui sungai-sungai, engkau tidak akan dihanyutkan; apabila engkau berjalan melalui api, engkau tidak akan dihanguskan, dan nyala api tidak akan membakar engkau."

---

Tuhan tidak pernah jauh, bahkan ketika kita merasa ditinggalkan.
Mungkin kita sedang belajar bahwa dalam luka terdalam, justru di situlah kasih karunia-Nya ingin menjemput kita pulang.

Damai Kristus menyertai. 

Amin. 

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

How are you, friends?

I hope you are feeling joyful.

But is there anyone who feels that life has been bitter?

If you are someone who feels the bitterness of life, then this writing is for you.

I, too, have experienced the bitterness of life.

Since childhood, I often saw my father and mother fight, even to the point of domestic violence. I was bullied—called names like “tin can sissy” and “tranny” by my friends. And yet, I am fully a woman. I never understood why. I grew up with jealousy toward my younger sibling, who was more loved by my father. I also carried wounds of sexual abuse. As I grew older, I became desperate for acceptance and love.

All of these experiences turned me into a fearful woman. I also became someone who often lashed out in anger. I felt belittled. I felt alone. I felt furious. I felt rebellious. I felt disappointed. I felt ashamed—deeply ashamed. I was full of regret. I became someone who easily judged and looked down on others. I became deeply toxic.

Then one day, I read this verse:

Hebrews 12:15
"See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."

Then I came across this explanation in A Catholic Commentary on Holy Scripture – Hebrews 12:14–24:

15. Charity has an ‘episcopal’ eye; its overseership must ensure that no one defaults from the grace of God, and that no bitter root of poisonous influence causes disturbance resulting in the defilement of the many.

From this verse, I realized the reason I had become so toxic:

I had failed to receive or reach the grace of God.

There was no one truly watching over my life.

No one accompanied me in regulating my emotions—including myself. I did not watch over my own soul.

---

What is grace?

The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) explains it as follows:

CCC 1996
"Our justification comes from the grace of God. Grace is favor, the free and undeserved help that God gives us to respond to his call to become children of God, adoptive sons, partakers of the divine nature and of eternal life."

CCC 1997
"Grace is a participation in the life of God. It introduces us into the intimacy of Trinitarian life: by Baptism the Christian participates in the grace of Christ, the Head of his Body. As an 'adopted son' he can henceforth call God 'Father,' in union with the only Son. He receives the life of the Spirit who breathes charity into him and who forms the Church."

In essence, grace is the undeserved help we receive to become His children through Christ, beginning from our baptism.

---

What is the correlation between my inner wounds and my calling as a child of God?

There is a strong correlation.

When someone becomes aware that in Christ they have been called to be a child of God, they will freely come to the Father, bringing all their inner wounds to be healed. They don’t have to struggle alone or be confused about how to regulate those overwhelming emotions.

---

Are we truly struggling alone?

Is it true that the Father is absent—even if we haven’t yet recognized the grace that has already been given to us?

I believe the Father is there.

---

Isaiah 43:2

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you."

God is never far, even when we feel abandoned.
Perhaps we are learning that in our deepest wounds, it is precisely there that His grace longs to come and find us.

Peace of Christ be with you.

Amen.

Sajak Kopi #7

---

Seperti bunga mawar yang berduri. Untuk merengkuh sesuatu yang indah harus penuh dengan pedih hati.

Like a rose with thorns.
To embrace something beautiful, one must endure heartache.

#sajak #sajakkopi

Nagisa, Setiabudhi, 22 Januari 2018

22:15

---

cabe

Apa kabarnya si Tuan

Kemanakah aku harus berlari menanyakan kabar si Tuan?

Tuan si empunya tawa yang teduh

Masih saja aku berkutat dengan kabar si Tuan

Padahal ia lebih sibuk dengan varian baru sambel bisnisnya itu

Tak sedikit pun ia menoleh ke arahku

Terkadang aku iri pada segenap cabe-cabe yang mengitari kehidupannya

Namun,

Aku lebih bersyukur menjadi diriku dibandingkan cabe-cabe yang hancur lebur digilas ulekan batu

How is Tuan doing?
Where should I run to ask about Tuan?
Sir, the owner of that gentle laughter
I still fuss over news of Tuan
Even though he’s busier with the new variant of his chili business
Not once does he glance in my direction
Sometimes I envy all the chilies surrounding his life
Yet,
I am more grateful to be myself than the chilies
Crushed and ground in a stone mortar

Nona Nagisa,

Jakarta, 29 Juni 2025

Surat dari Ibu

Nak,
Meski aku belum melihat wajahmu.
Tapi,
Aku telah mengasihimu
Seperti terang surya yang menyinari dunia
Sebelum tanah terbentuk

Nak
Jika suatu saat kamu mengerti kehidupan
Percayalah kamu akan tumbuh dengan baik
Seperti teratai yang merekah di tengah lumpur
Dan
Hidupmu akan jauh lebih baik dari hidupku

Tidurlah nak,
Tiada satu pun yang dapat menyakitimu
Sebab,
kamu aman dalam dekapanku

Child,
Even though I have not seen your face,
I have already loved you
Like the sunlight that shines upon the world
Before the earth was formed.

Child,
If someday you come to understand life,
Believe that you will grow well
Like a lotus blooming in the midst of mud,
And
Your life will be far better than mine.

Sleep now, child,
Nothing can harm you,
For
You are safe in my embrace.

Nona Nagisa,
Bandung, 17 September 2018

---

Sajak Kopi #5

---

Socrates pernah berkata

Dunia yang tak dipikirkan adalah dunia yang tak pantas dijalani.

Kamu adalah Duniaku.

Kamu yang tak dipikirkan adalah duniaku yang tak pantas dijalani.

Socrates once said, "A world unthought is a world not worth living in.

You are my world.

You unthought are my world not worth living in.

Nona Nagisa, Braga, 20 Januari 2018

#sajak #sajakkopi

---

Saat Gereja Tak Menyelesaikan Masalah (When Church Doesn’t Fix Everything)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus

Semoga tulisan ini dapat mengajak kita untuk datang beribadah kepadaNya.

Suatu hari, saya menemukan komentar di Instagram seperti ini:

"Kalau ke gereja ternyata gak menyelesaikan problem hidup, lalu ke gereja buat apa?"

Saya terpanggil untuk merenungkannya juga.
Apakah teman-teman juga terpanggil untuk merenungkannya?

Jika iya, maka tulisan ini untuk teman-teman.

---

Ada banyak ayat-ayat dalam Alkitab yang mengajak kita untuk datang beribadah kepada Tuhan. Salah satunya adalah Ibrani 10:25. Secara kontekstual, ayat ini menjelaskan tentang ketekunan atau keteguhan iman kita.

Ibrani 10:25
Janganlah kita menjauhkan diri dari pertemuan-pertemuan ibadah kita, seperti dibiasakan oleh beberapa orang, tetapi marilah kita saling menasihati, dan semakin giat melakukannya menjelang hari Tuhan yang mendekat.

---

A Catholic Commentary on Holy Scripture – Hebrews 10:19–25
Teks Asli (Inggris):

§ b 10:19–26 Steadfastness — ‘Unwavering confidence rooted in faith and working in charity’ is the watchword.
20. Christ is the inaugurator of the newly opened way to the Sanctuary through the veil of his flesh, and since he is also High Priest over the House of God, he inspires the boldness of our confidence.
22–24. Sincerity, fullness of faith, the sprinkling and washing that come from repentance and baptism give the conscience freedom of access. ‘Let us approach ... let us hold fast ... let us consider each other’ are the three exhortatives which urge the practice of the three divine virtues. Hope particularly is founded on the fidelity of God to his promises, and charity must be social.
25. The necessity of ‘provoking’ charity, of frequenting liturgical gatherings, of mutual exhortation is all the greater ‘as you see the day approaching’. The Parousia is meant, but the judgment on Jerusalem (five years hence) is probably included.

---

Berdasarkan tulisan tersebut, ketika kita menggunakan kebebasan hidup kita untuk datang beribadah merupakan wujud dari Kasih kita kepada Tuhan yang berakar dari iman kita kepada Tuhan. Ketika kita datang beribadah dan bertemu dengan sesama jemaat, di sana ada rasa ketersalingan kasih.

Hanya saja, saya harus akui kebanyakan dari kita, termasuk saya, apabila selesai beribadah di gereja, bukannya berjemaat, justru langsung pulang. Kita tidak memberi waktu untuk berbicara dengan jemaat yang lain. Ada banyak individualitas di dalam gereja. Saya akui kelemahan saya dalam hal ini.

---

Tetapi, ada gak kaitannya datang ke gereja dengan beresnya problematika hidup?

Saya pribadi tidak merasa problematika hidup saya selesai dengan datang ke gereja. Karena, ketika saya datang ke gereja, saya akan tertegur dengan dosa-dosa saya, bukan cara menyelesaikan problematika saya.

Dalam benak saya, beres atau tidaknya problematika kita itu bergantung dengan relasi pribadi kita dengan Tuhan.

Dalam relasi pribadi kita dengan Tuhan, kita diberi kelegaan dan ketenangan di sana (bdk. Matius 11:28). Kita menyadari bahwa Tuhan akan menolong kita untuk tidak tenggelam dalam problematika kehidupan dan menenangkan badai kehidupan kita (bdk. Matius 14:22–33; Matius 8:23–27). Selain itu, Allah juga berjanji menyertai sampai akhir zaman (bdk. Matius 28:20).

---

Jujur, saya juga merindukan problematika saya usai.
Saya sembuh dari sakit-penyakit saya.
Saya rindu berekonsiliasi dengan Tuan.
Saya rindu bisa deal dengan seluruh trauma saya dan hidup dalam sukacita.

Dulu, saya juga sempat langkah kaki saya terhenti untuk ke gereja, bahkan intensitas berdoa dan baca Alkitab saya mengendor. Saya merasa menjauh dari Tuhan. Tapi, itulah dinamika manusia dengan segala keberdosaannya, meskipun kita sudah aktif melayani.

---

Apakah rencana indah Tuhan selalu berwujud “sembuh dari sakit penyakit”, “rekonsiliasi dengan Tuan”, dan “deal dengan trauma”?

Saya berharap rencana indah itu berwujud 3 hal tersebut,
tapi kalau misalnya tidak, saya harap langkah saya tidak terhenti untuk tetap percaya kepada Allah Tritunggal.

---

Bagaimana denganmu?


Kiranya damai Kristus menyertai akhir minggu kita. 

Amin.

In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit

May this reflection encourage us to come and worship Him.

One day, I came across a comment on Instagram that said:

"If going to church doesn’t solve life’s problems, then what’s the point of going to church?"

I felt called to reflect on it.
Do you, dear friends, also feel called to reflect on it?

If yes, then this reflection is for you.

---

There are many verses in the Bible that invite us to come and worship the Lord. One of them is Hebrews 10:25. Contextually, this verse speaks about perseverance and steadfastness in our faith.

Hebrews 10:25
Do not neglect to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

---

A Catholic Commentary on Holy Scripture – Hebrews 10:19–25
(Excerpt in original English):

§ b 10:19–26 Steadfastness — “Unwavering confidence rooted in faith and working in charity” is the watchword.
20. Christ is the inaugurator of the newly opened way to the Sanctuary through the veil of His flesh, and since He is also High Priest over the House of God, He inspires the boldness of our confidence.
22–24. Sincerity, fullness of faith, the sprinkling and washing that come from repentance and baptism give the conscience freedom of access. “Let us approach … let us hold fast … let us consider each other” are the three exhortatives which urge the practice of the three divine virtues. Hope particularly is founded on the fidelity of God to His promises, and charity must be social.
25. The necessity of “provoking” charity, of frequenting liturgical gatherings, of mutual exhortation is all the greater “as you see the Day approaching.” The Parousia is meant, but the judgment on Jerusalem (five years hence) is probably included.

---

Based on this commentary, using our life’s freedom to come to worship is an act of love toward God, rooted in our faith in Him. When we worship and meet fellow believers, there is a sense of mutual love among us.

However, I must admit that many of us—including myself—often leave immediately after church instead of staying to fellowship. We don’t take time to speak with others in the congregation. There’s a lot of individualism within the church. I acknowledge my own weakness in this.

---

But does going to church have anything to do with solving our life’s problems?

Personally, I don’t think my problems are solved by going to church. Because when I go to church, I’m confronted by my sins—not necessarily given steps to fix my life’s situations.

In my understanding, whether our problems are resolved or not depends on our personal relationship with God.

In that relationship, we are given rest and peace (cf. Matthew 11:28).
We come to know that God helps us not to sink into life’s problems and calms the storms in our lives (cf. Matthew 14:22–33; Matthew 8:23–27).
Moreover, He has promised to be with us always, until the end of the age (cf. Matthew 28:20).

---

Truthfully, I also long for my problems to be resolved.
I long to be healed from my illnesses.
I long to be reconciled with Tuan.
I long to face all my traumas and live in joy.

There was a time when my steps to church halted, and my prayer and Bible-reading life faded. I felt distant from God. But that is the reality of being human in our sinfulness—even when we are actively serving in ministry.

---

Does God’s beautiful plan always look like “healing from illness,” “reconciliation with Tuan,” and “resolving trauma”?

I hope His beautiful plan includes those three things.
But even if it doesn’t, I pray that my steps will never stop trusting in the Triune God.

---

What about you?

May the peace of Christ be with you this weekend.

Amen.

Sajak Kopi #4

---

Kristus mengajarkan untuk menyangkal diri, memikul salib, untuk dapat mengikut-Nya. Dan kulakukan itu dalam menghadapi kamu.

Christ taught us to deny ourselves and take up our cross in order to follow Him. And I do that in facing you.

Nagisa, 17 Januari 2018

04:16

#sajak #sajakkopi

---

Sajak Kopi #3

---

Kristus mengajarkan untuk menyangkal diri, memikul salib, untuk dapat mengikutNya. Dan kulakukan itu dalam menghadapi kamu.

Nona Nagisa, 17 Januari 2018

04:16

#sajak #sajakkopi

---

Dingin Sajak Kopi #2

Ditengah-tengah keramaian, hanya kau yang merasakan senyapnya malam dan dinginnya kalbu.

In the midst of the crowd, only you feel the silence of the night and the coldness of your heart.

Nona Nagisa,

“If Jesus Carried the Cross… Why Must I?”

Salam dalam kasih Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus.

 

Semoga tulisan ini dapat memberikan pencerahan sedikit bagi kita untuk memahami alasan kita memikul salib sendiri 

 

Suatu hari, ada animasi donghaeng yang berjudul "The Cross" sedang lewat di FYP Tiktok saya. Dalam episode "The Cross", digambarkan seseorang yang memikul salib besar dan merasa ingin menyerah, lalu mencoba memotong salibnya agar lebih ringan — namun pada akhirnya, ia menyadari bahwa salib yang dipikul justru menjadi jembatan yang menyelamatkannya. 🕊️

Pada animasi tersebut, ada seseorang yang menulis komentar seperti ini, 

"NO ONE has explained to me why if Jesus carried the cross for us, why must we do it to?"

 

Apabila teman-teman memiliki perenungan yang sama, tulisan ini cocok untuk teman-teman.

 

Saya merenungkan pertanyaan tersebut terlebih dahulu untuk menanyakan jawaban yang tepat untuk tulisan tersebut. 

Matius 16:24-28 

“24 Lalu Yesus berkata kepada murid-murid-Nya, “Jika seseorang mau menjadi pengikut-Ku, ia harus menyangkal dirinya, memikul salibnya, dan mengikut Aku. 25 Sebab, siapa yang mau menyelamatkan nyawanya, ia akan kehilangan nyawanya; siapa yang kehilangan nyawanya karena Aku, ia akan memperolehnya. 26 Apa gunanya seseorang memperoleh seluruh dunia tetapi kehilangan nyawanya? Apakah yang dapat diberikannya sebagai ganti nyawanya? 27 Sebab, Anak Manusia akan datang dalam kemuliaan Bapa-Nya bersama dengan malaikat-malaikat-Nya; pada waktu itu Ia akan membalas setiap orang menurut perbuatannya. 28 Sungguh Aku berkata kepadamu: Di antara orang yang hadir di sini ada yang tidak akan mengalami kematian sebelum mereka melihat Anak Manusia datang sebagai Raja.”

Menurutku, aku sebagai murid-Nya harus memikul salib karena aku meneladani Kristus. Selain itu, aku memikul salib menunjukkan kesetiaanku padaNya. Dalam A Catholic Commentary on Holy Scripture dituliskan § f 24–28: Death the Way to Life

“Like master, like man: the disciple must himself be prepared to shoulder a cross in imitation of Christ. The saying is even more natural in this passage than it is in 10:38 (see note) because it here follows a prediction of the Passion. 25. The exhortation is reinforced by a prospect of the great issues involved (cf. 10:39)—no less than the loss or gain of eternal life. 26. How great this gain appears from a literary balance of the world’s riches against the supernatural life of the soul; it appears too from the obvious inability of those riches to purchase that life. That ‘soul’ here is regarded as the principle of supernatural, not merely natural, life is clear from the context and, on the dogmatic side, from the unanimity of Catholic interpretation; cf. § 52h and A. Bea, Bi 14 (1933) 435–47. 27. Man cannot buy eternal life: it will be awarded according to his works, i.e. according to his loyalty to Christ’s cause, 25. The fitting judge of this loyalty is Christ himself. Of him, with his cross, one might be tempted to be ashamed (Mk, Lk) but the true dignity and reward of his following will appear from his glory and his sentence in the final judgment. § 28. This sentence, though juxtaposed to 27 was perhaps originally a separate dictum, as Mk 8:39 seems to hint. In the present context it appears to imply that the dignity of Christ’s discipleship will be manifested even before the final judgment, nay, in the lifetime of some of the bystanders. The Kingdom of the Son (not ‘of the Father’, cf. 13:43 note) will establish itself shortly ‘in power’ (Mk; cf. 1 Cor 4:20). This power, following the ‘weakness’ of the Cross, 1 Cor 1:23–25, manifests itself progressively from the Resurrection onwards, Rom 1:4 ff. To those who could see it the glory of this spiritual Kingdom on earth was already plain in St Paul’s time, e.g.
1 Thess 2:12, Eph 2:6 f. The destruction of Jerusalem in A.D. 70 served only to show that the Kingdom stood alone.
The presence on earth of such a kingdom, acknowledging Christ as its king, will be evidence that the Son of Man has entered into (ἐν for εἰς, as often in biblical Greek) his kingdom, i.e. has been solemnly invested as King in heaven. It will be the realization of Daniel’s vision in which the ‘coming’ of one like a ‘son of man’ was a coming not to earth but to the Ancient of Days on his heavenly throne to receive power and a kingdom.”

 

Selain itu, aku memikul salibku sebagai bentuk bahwa aku sedang dalam masa pertobatan yang mana pertobatan merupakan jalan mencapai keselamatan yang akan selesai kujalani saat aku pulang ke rumah Bapa di Surga nanti. Nomor 1435 Katekismus Gereja Katolik berbunyi

“Pertobatan terjadi dalam kehidupan sehari-hari melalui perbuatan-perbuatan, bantuan, bagi orang miskin, pelaksanaan dan pembelaan keadilan dan hukum Tuhan (lih. Am 5:24); Yesus menamai tindakan-tindakan ini, “pengakuan kesalahan diri, terguran persaudaraan, menerima peringatan dari diri sendiri, pemeriksaan batin, bimbingan rohani, penerimaan sengsara, dan ketabahan dalam kehidupan sehari-hari.” Setiap hari memikul salibnya dan mengikuti Kristus adalah jalan yang paling arum untuk pertobatan. (bdk. Luk 9:23).”  

 

Apa sih makna salib untuk teman-teman?

Bagiku, salib bermakna pembelajaran mengampuni pasca penderitaan terjadi. Rm. Eko Wahyu, OSC menjelaskan 3 bentuk salib dalam pandangan OSC, yaitu:

1. Salib Merah, adalah penderitaan sebagai akibat dari kesalahan orang lain yang kita persembahkan sebagai silih atas dosa-dosa
2.  Salib Hitam, adalah penderitaan sebagai akibat dari kesalahan atau dosa kita sendiri
3.  Salib Putih, adalah penderitaan yang diizinkan Tuhan untuk memurnikan kita

 

Apakah aku berani memikul salib?

Tidak. Aku takut menderita. Aku menjawab ini dari suara kerapuhanku sendiri. Tapi, aku yakin Roh Kudus memampukanku.  Ada 3 bentuk salib yang saat ini sedang kupikul yang mana aku perlu belajar berdamai dan mengampuni segala sesuatu yang terjadi.

1. Salib merah: aku harus belajar mengampuni mama dan papa atas luka pertengkaran yang berujung KDRT saat masa kecilku.
2. Salib hitam: Ada banyak dosaku yang membuat diriku sendiri menderita. Salah satunya, aku harus belajar mengampuni diriku sendiri karena aku telah melukai Tuan, sahabatku, sehingga aku kehilangan dirinya. Oleh sebab itu, aku perlu bertobat dari segala kesalahan dan dosaku.
3. Salib putih: aku harus belajar mengampuni supir jemputan, dan orang-orang lain yang pernah melakukan pelecehan seksual terhadapku.

Tidak hanya diriku sendiri, aku yakin semua orang punya salibnya masing-masing. 

Apakah aku sudah bisa mengampuni?

Aku tidak tahu.

Manusia tidak akan kuat melepaskan pengampunan pada dunia ini, begitu juga aku. Karena, pengampunan merupakan kekuatan Tuhan sebagaimana yang dijelaskan oleh Rm. Eko Wahyu, OSC. Oleh sebab itu, kita perlu meminta kekuatan pengampunan tersebut kepada Tuhan.

Kiranya Bapa dalam perantaraan anakNya, Kristus dalam persekutuan Roh Kudus menganugerahi kita kekuatan untuk memikul salib dan mengampuni segala sesuatu yang terjadi dalam kehidupan kita.

 

Amin. 

 

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

May this writing offer a bit of clarity for us in understanding why we must carry our own cross.

The Cross Animation and a Stirring Question

One day, a Donghaeng animation titled "The Cross" appeared on my TikTok FYP. In the episode "The Cross", a person is shown carrying a large cross and feeling ready to give up. They try to cut the cross shorter to make it lighter—only to realize in the end that the cross they were carrying became the very bridge that saved them. 🕊️ In that animation, someone wrote a comment:
"NO ONE has explained to me why if Jesus carried the cross for us, why must we do it too?"

If you've ever had the same question, this reflection is for you.

A Biblical Answer: Matthew 16:24–28

I began reflecting on that question, looking for a meaningful answer. Matthew 16:24–28 says:

“Then Jesus told His disciples, ‘If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it...’” (continue as in the text)

Catholic Interpretation: A Catholic Commentary on Holy Scripture

To me, carrying the cross as a disciple means imitating Christ. It’s a sign of my loyalty to Him. In A Catholic Commentary on Holy Scripture, § f 24–28: Death the Way to Life, it is written:

“Like master, like man: the disciple must himself be prepared to shoulder a cross in imitation of Christ. The saying is even more natural in this passage than it is in 10:38 (see note) because it here follows a prediction of the Passion. 25. The exhortation is reinforced by a prospect of the great issues involved (cf. 10:39)—no less than the loss or gain of eternal life. 26. How great this gain appears from a literary balance of the world’s riches against the supernatural life of the soul; it appears too from the obvious inability of those riches to purchase that life. That ‘soul’ here is regarded as the principle of supernatural, not merely natural, life is clear from the context and, on the dogmatic side, from the unanimity of Catholic interpretation; cf. § 52h and A. Bea, Bi 14 (1933) 435–47. 27. Man cannot buy eternal life: it will be awarded according to his works, i.e. according to his loyalty to Christ’s cause, 25. The fitting judge of this loyalty is Christ himself. Of him, with his cross, one might be tempted to be ashamed (Mk, Lk) but the true dignity and reward of his following will appear from his glory and his sentence in the final judgment. § 28. This sentence, though juxtaposed to 27 was perhaps originally a separate dictum, as Mk 8:39 seems to hint. In the present context it appears to imply that the dignity of Christ’s discipleship will be manifested even before the final judgment, nay, in the lifetime of some of the bystanders. The Kingdom of the Son (not ‘of the Father’, cf. 13:43 note) will establish itself shortly ‘in power’ (Mk; cf. 1 Cor 4:20). This power, following the ‘weakness’ of the Cross, 1 Cor 1:23–25, manifests itself progressively from the Resurrection onwards, Rom 1:4 ff. To those who could see it the glory of this spiritual Kingdom on earth was already plain in St Paul’s time, e.g.
1 Thess 2:12, Eph 2:6 f. The destruction of Jerusalem in A.D. 70 served only to show that the Kingdom stood alone.
The presence on earth of such a kingdom, acknowledging Christ as its king, will be evidence that the Son of Man has entered into (ἐν for εἰς, as often in biblical Greek) his kingdom, i.e. has been solemnly invested as King in heaven. It will be the realization of Daniel’s vision in which the ‘coming’ of one like a ‘son of man’ was a coming not to earth but to the Ancient of Days on his heavenly throne to receive power and a kingdom.”

Repentance and the Cross: Reflection on Catechism 1435

I also carry my cross as a sign that I am walking the path of repentance. Repentance is the journey toward salvation, which will be completed when I return home to the Father in Heaven. The Catechism of the Catholic Church, no. 1435, states:

“Conversion is accomplished in daily life by gestures of reconciliation, concern for the poor, the exercise and defense of justice and right... Taking up one's cross each day and following Jesus is the surest way of penance.” (cf. Luke 9:23)

The Meaning of the Cross in My Life: Red, Black, and White

So, what does the cross mean to you? To me, the cross means the journey of learning to forgive after suffering. Fr. Eko Wahyu, OSC, explains three kinds of crosses:

1. Red Cross: Suffering caused by the fault of others, which we offer as reparation for sins.

2. Black Cross: Suffering caused by our own sins or mistakes.

3. White Cross: Suffering allowed by God to purify us.

Personal Testimony: Forgiving and Carrying the Cross

Am I brave enough to carry the cross? No. I fear suffering. That is the honest answer from my fragile self. But I believe the Holy Spirit strengthens me.  I carry three types of crosses that require me to learn to make peace and forgive all that has happened:

1. Red Cross: I must learn to forgive my parents for the wounds of childhood quarrels that ended in domestic violence.

2. Black Cross: Many of my sins have caused my own suffering. One example: I need to forgive myself for hurting my dear friend, Tuan, which led to losing him. I must repent.

3. White Cross: I must learn to forgive the driver and other individuals who committed acts of sexual abuse against me.

     I know I'm not alone—everyone carries their own cross in life.

Have I truly forgiven? I don’t know. No human can offer full forgiveness on their own in this world. I surely can’t. Forgiveness is God’s strength, as Fr. Eko Wahyu, OSC, says. That’s why we must ask God for the grace to forgive.

May the Father, through His Son, in the communion of the Holy Spirit, grant us the strength to carry our crosses and forgive everything we face in life.

Amen.

 

 

 

 

Kesepian Sajak Kopi #1

---

Ada saat kau ingin sepi. Tapi kau hanya diam karena semua orang membutuhkanmu.

Ada saat kau ingin keramaian. Tapi kau hanya diam karena semua orang tidak membutuhkanmu.

Diantara sepi itu 

Belum pernah kudatangi Pujangga Agungku saat kuingin keramaian

Belum pernah kusambut Pujangga Agungku saat Ia membutuhkan kehadiranku.

O Pujangga Agung 

Kiranya kau buang ke ujung langit

Kiranya kau hempaskan ke dalam lautan

Seluruh kefanaanku dalam sikap dan sifat

There are times when you want solitude. But you're silent because everyone needs you.

There are times when you want crowds. But you're silent because everyone doesn't need you.

Amidst that solitude

I've never visited my Great Poet when I wanted crowds

I've never welcomed my Great Poet when He needed my presence.

O Great Poet

May you throw me to the edge of the sky

May you throw me into the ocean

All my mortality in attitude and character

---

Nona Nagisa,

Minggu, 22 Juni 2025

Nara

---

Malam ini,

Nara sangat berbeda

Ia begitu hangat sekali

Ditemani alunan harmoni PSM UNPAD

Bukan,

Bukan tiupan surga yang menghangatkan

Tapi,

Lebih dari itu

Secangkir Luwak berteman Hasil keringatku

Telah membakar seluruh kalbu

Tonight,

Nara is very different

She is so warm

Accompanied by the harmonious strains of PSM UNPAD

No,

It's not the breath of heaven that warms

But,

More than that

A cup of Luwak, my sweat-filled friend

Has set my whole heart on fire

Nona Nagisa,

Bandung, 20 Juli 2018

---

the War

"Tak ada yang mustahil bagi Allah"
Teriak batinku diiringi tetesan darah dalam iman yang kian meredup
"Tak akan ada yang mampu menyelamatkan ini"
Bisik mataku kepada otak yang terkapar kelelahan

"Nothing is impossible for God,"

My inner voice cried, accompanied by drops of blood in my fading faith.

"No one will be able to save this,"

My eyes whispered to my exhausted brain.

Palu, 20 Juni 2025

Lebih baik

Jangan pernah mendoakan orang panjang umur

Tak ada gunanya tanpa sehat selalu

Sebab,

Lebih baik mati cepat

Daripada mati perlahan-lahan

Jangan pernah berkata-kata manis

Dalam bait-bait puisi

Sebab,

Lebih baik dengan tegas menyatakan untuk membunuh

Daripada mendayu-dayu tapi meracuni

Never wish someone a long life

It's useless without always being healthy

Because,

It's better to die quickly

Instead of dying slowly

Never say sweet words

In poetry verses

Because,

It's better to firmly declare to kill

Rather than lilting but poisoning

Nona Nagisa,

Bandung, 05 Agustus 2018

---

Mati

Tidak ada yang menyeramkan

Di balik kata mati

Yang kutinggalkan

Dalam bait-bait puisi ini

Tidak, Tuan

Kematianku hanyalah sebuah pertanda

Tanda ada yang mencintaimu dengan sangat

Terbawa hingga ke liang lahat

O senyum manismu tetap benderang dibalik kelopak mata

Kala mata terpejam tertimbun tanah

There's nothing scary

Behind the word 'death'

What I left behind

In the verses of this poem

No, Sir

My death is just a sign

A sign that someone loves you deeply

Carried to the grave

Oh, your sweet smile remains bright behind my eyelids

When my eyes are closed, buried in the ground

Nona Nagisa,

Bandung, 08 Agustus 2018

---

ingat

Jangan takut diterjang ombak tinggi
Ataupun kehadiran Roh Jahat
Ingatlah dalam kesesakan jiwamu
Allah adalah Allah yang bertahta di atas segalanya

Hadapilah ketika dia tersenyum
Karena kehadiran orang lain menggantikan tempatmu
Kala ketidakadilan melingkupi relung hatimu
Ingatlah dalam kesesakan jiwamu
Allah adalah Allah yang bertahta di atas segalanya

Berserulah dengan nada yang nyaring
Ingatlah dalam kesesakan jiwamu
Allah adalah Allah yang bertahta di atas segalanya
Bahkan dalam telut penuh caci mengalir ke ujung mata

Don't be afraid of being hit by high waves

Or the presence of evil spirits

Remember in the trouble of your soul

Allah is the Allah who reigns above all

Face it when he smiles

Because the presence of someone else takes your place

When injustice surrounds the recesses of your heart

Remember in the trouble of your soul

Allah is the Allah who reigns above all

Shout in a loud voice

Remember in the trouble of your soul

Allah is the Allah who reigns above all

Even in an egg full of smut flowing to the corner of the eye

Nona Nagisa,
Bandung, 12 Agustus 2018

---

Gengsi

---

Tak dapat tangan menggenggam

Sebab gengsi

Tak dapat merengkuh

Sebab gengsi

Tak dapat kasih diucap

Sebab gengsi

Tak dapat mengecup

Sebab gengsi

Segala tak dapat menjadi pilu

Kala raga dijemputNya

Meski segala 'tak dapat' dilakukan

Namun,

Tak terbalaskan

Unable to hold hands

Because of pride

Unable to embrace

Because of pride

Unable to express love

Because of pride

Unable to kiss

Because of pride

Everything cannot become sad

When the body is taken away

Even though everything 'cannot' be done

However,

Unrequited

Nona Nagisa,

Bandung, 19 Juli 2018

---

Sajak Hujan

Kuberteduh dibawah bilik bambu
Berdiri sambil memeluk tubuhku
Sekedar menghangatkan diri dari tiupan angin yang menusuk

Sekilas kuteringat akan lesung pipimu
Yang selalu menghiasi senyummu
Kala itu

I took shelter under a bamboo canopy

Standing while hugging my body

Just to warm myself from the piercing wind

I was briefly reminded of your dimples

That always adorned your smile

At that time

Nona Nagisa,
Cikarang, 25 Oktober 2024

---

Tuan

Tuan si empunya senyum yang indah

Hendak pergi menggapai mimpi-mimpinya

Tak bisa kutahan-tahan langkah kakinya

Meski terjal benar perjalanan hidupnya

Dapatkah aku menemaninya di belakang?

Kurenungkan di kala hujan turun sambil menyembunyikan ratapan dan kertak gigi

Benarkah aku dapat menemani?

Bilakah tuan tidak lekas sirna kala berjumpa keangkaraan?

Bilakah tuan tidak lekas patah terkulai kala berjumpa keingkaran?

The owner has a beautiful smile

Want to go achieve his dreams

I couldn't stop his footsteps

Even though his journey in life has been really steep

Can I accompany him behind?

I think about it when the rain falls while hiding wailing and gnashing of teeth

Can I really accompany you?

If you don't immediately disappear when you encounter cruelty?

If you don't immediately fall down when you encounter disobedience?

Jakarta, 19 Oktober 2023

Revised 12 Juni 2025

Nona Nagisa

"Ikutlah Aku": Untuk yang Merasa Fasik ("Follow Me": For Those Who Feel Wicked)

Salam dalam nama Bapa, dan Putra, dan Roh Kudus.

Semoga melalui tulisan ini teman-teman menemukan kelegaan dan pelepasan.

---

Teman-teman, pagi ini, saya membaca renungan dari Instagram. Renungan tersebut membahas tentang ketidakadilan dan kefasikan yang bersumber dari Mazmur 129:4–5:

"TUHAN itu adil, Ia memotong tali-tali orang fasik. Semua orang yang membenci Sion akan mendapat malu dan akan mundur."

Dalam kasus ini, saya yang merasa sebagai orang yang fasik. Saya merasa sebagai orang yang berbuat tidak adil. Karena, tanpa menyadari kesalahan sendiri, saya mendoakan kehancuran orang yang saya cintai. Saya merasa putus asa. Saya merasa malu. Saya merasa ingin menyendiri. Saya merasa terekspos. Saya merasa inferior. Saya merasa kewalahan. Saya merasa cemas.

Dulu, saya sempat benci dan marah atas segala sesuatu yang terjadi. Saya lupa bahwa segala sesuatu yang terjadi merupakan konsekuensi dari tindakan saya yang tidak bisa berkomitmen untuk tidak ada laki-laki lain selain si Tuan.

Saya merasa fasik. Tapi, saya ingat, saya telah dipanggil oleh-Nya pada tahun 2023. Frasa "Ikutlah Aku" sangat menggetarkan saya.

Dengan mantap, meski saya masih ada sedikit rasa takut kehilangan, saya mengikut Kristus. Saya cemas akan apa yang akan terjadi di hadapan saya. Namun, saya menerima panggilan-Nya untuk insaf dan menguatkan saudara-saudara.

---

Adakah di antara teman-teman yang juga merasa fasik?

Teman-teman merasa fasik.
Teman-teman merasa bukan Umat Tuhan.

Tapi, di satu sisi, teman-teman telah dibaptis dalam nama Bapa, Putra, dan Roh Kudus. Teman-teman juga merupakan keturunan Abraham.

Teman-teman merenungkan,
"Apakah aku tidak dapat tempat di hati-Nya karena kefasikanku?
Meskipun aku juga keturunan Abraham?
Meskipun aku juga telah dibaptis?"

Ya, saya mengerti perasaan teman-teman.
Saya juga berada di titik kefasikan ini.

---

Tapi, ingat teman-teman, Kristus datang mencari yang hilang, tersesat, bukan orang benar. Kristus mencari orang yang fasik seperti kita. (Markus 2:17)

Yesus mendengarnya dan berkata kepada mereka:
"Bukan orang sehat yang memerlukan tabib, tetapi orang sakit; Aku datang bukan untuk memanggil orang benar, melainkan orang berdosa."

Kiranya, melalui tulisan ini, Kristus mengundangmu untuk mengikut-Nya.

"Ikutlah Aku!"

Apa tanggapanmu?

---

Damai Kristus menyertai.

Amin.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

May this writing bring you relief and release, dear friends.

This morning, I read a devotional on Instagram. The message reflected on injustice and wickedness, drawn from Psalm 129:4–5:

"The LORD is righteous; he has cut the cords of the wicked. May all who hate Zion be put to shame and turned backward."

In this case, I felt like the wicked one. I felt like someone who had acted unjustly. Because, without realizing my own faults, I had prayed for the downfall of someone I loved. I felt hopeless. I felt ashamed. I wanted to withdraw. I felt exposed. I felt inferior. I felt overwhelmed. I felt anxious.

In the past, I was angry and bitter about everything that had happened. I forgot that all of it was the consequence of my own actions—of my inability to commit to having no other man besides si Tuan.

I felt wicked.
But I remembered that I was called by Him in 2023.
The phrase "Follow Me" deeply moved me.

With determination—though still shadowed by a little fear of losing—I followed Christ. I was anxious about what lay ahead of me. Still, I received His call to repent and to strengthen my brothers and sisters.

Is there anyone among you who also feels wicked?

You feel wicked.
You feel like you are not God's people.

But, on the other hand, you were baptized in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
You are also a descendant of Abraham.

And you wonder,
"Do I have no place in His heart because of my wickedness?
Even though I am also a child of Abraham?
Even though I have been baptized?"

Yes, I understand those feelings.
I have also stood at that point of wickedness.

But remember, friends, Christ came to seek the lost, the strayed—not the righteous.
Christ came for the wicked ones like us. (Mark 2:17)

On hearing this, Jesus said to them:
"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

May it be that through this writing, Christ is calling you to follow Him.

"Follow Me!"

What are your thoughts?

Peace of Christ be with you.

Amen.